He's had the ring for 11 months!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Supernurse :  “Don’t kick him out to make him propose.  Don’t do it because you’re angry. Do it because you’re tired of watching your best friend watch you suffer and do nothing about it. Do it because you value you.  Do it because he doesn’t value you enough.  Because all that is okay.  He’s allowed to watch you suffer and not value you. He may love you but he sure doesn’t mind watching you spiral enough to do something for you that he doesn’t want to do.  Because he values himself enough not to.”

This is so spot on!

Post # 32
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

Just for some perspective, I have a friend who bought a ring with her partner and he then waited over a year to propose. They also had a child together before purchasing the ring. She was excited for the first couple of months always thinking it was coming but then realised he was waiting for a moment that felt right to him and decided to put it out of her head. He wouldn’t have spent the money on a ring he didn’t intend to use and she didn’t want to feel that when it came, it was because she had nagged him into it. A little over a year after the purchase he proposed in a lovely way when it was just the 2 of them and their child and they couldn’t be happier. 

Post # 33
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

Concepts of “judgement”, “truth”, “fairness” “pressure” et al get tossed around here like confetti.

If you TALKED about the PLANNED 2nd pregnancy, TALK about why or why not your “arrangement” is or is not as important or sustaining as having two children, THEN ACT ACCORDINGLY and INITIATE THE DISCUSSION.

And by the way, your situation is by no means unique. There are lots of women who post here in exactly the same circumstances as you are in right now, and their reactions are often similar to yours. Usually one of the “old bats” (like me) and fairly often some of the younger women as well, will point out that the best relationships are relatively balanced, so unless your man is also weeping and longing for taking the next step YOU’VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO, AND IT’S TIME.

Hopes that all works out just as you hope it will.

Post # 34
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the problem is that he sees no reason to get married.  You had one kid accidentally, then one planned.  In all this time he hasn’t rushed to get married at all.  There is a difference between getting married because you had kids and getting married because you want to get married.  It sounds like he just doesn’t want to get married and is getting married because you want to do it.  That’s not the best reason but it might be why he’s stalling on proposing

Post # 35
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

i can see a couple of sides to this. if my partner was staging massive freakouts and trying to kick me out of our home during disagreements it would definitely give me pause about committing myself to marrying them. on the other hand if my partner had my engagement ring in the house for nearly a year without proposing, all the while knowing the emotional toll it was taking on me…i don’t know that i could have stuck around so long. 

i think that guys who want to propose find a way to make it happen and guys who don’t want to find a way to put it off. 🙁

Post # 38
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

Damn what is he doing !!! Hopefully you get it soon.  I would be freaking out so I totally understand what you’re going through. 

Post # 39
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to resign yourself to being a single mother. I would hope you considered the financial implications of that prior to choosing to have another child with this man, but if not, I suggest you start thinking now. 

He doesn’t want to marry you. If he cared about you and wanted to marry you, he’d consider how he’s hurting you by refusing to propose. He’s just making excuses– and even if he’s not, do you really want him putting “the perfect proposal” above of your feelings? It’s a shame your kids will have to grow up without both parents being together, but clearly the two of you have different goals. 

Post # 40
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

Reading this is sounds like your SO is a lot like my SO.  Yes he has the ring, and when you say that you think you should have a say in the proposal I have to disagree.  The proposal is all on him and he wants it to be a surprise.  I think it is because you keep bringing the fact he hasnt proposed yet and it turns into fights is what is delaying it.  He wants you to let it be for a while and try to not think of it that way when he does propose it will be a surprise and special.

Post # 41
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee

mtrinh1 :  They’re about to have a 2nd child and she has known about the ring for almost a year. The Special Surprise boat sailed a long time ago.  

Post # 42
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

Hopefully he proposes before he ruins your relationship, with his dicking around. Resentment has to be setting in with you at this point. I wouldn’t decide anything while you are hormonal but when you reach your limit you will know.

Post # 43
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee

Several bees have said it, and I am going to say it again.

What kind of jackass watches their partner drowning in self-doubts, anxiety, and misery for mo this — years, sometimes — and is unmoved by their distress?  What kind of person thinks the element of surprise is more important than their partners feelings and self image? 

Post # 44
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

misslucy :  while carrying one of their babies and raising the other 👀

Post # 45
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

This is ridiculous of him. I feel like he is holding onto “boy-hood” aka he has kids and a live-in partner and the only amount of freedom he probably has is not being married. It is childish and unfair to you…However, the people we love can act stupid sometimes. I would give him one last chance and an ultimatum. Tell him the fairytale is over, and that he has one week to propose. Good luck… Keep us posted. xx

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