Post # 1
I’m a regular bee going under cover for obvious reasons.
The other night, SO went out late with his friends. I opted not to go because I had to work in the morning and I was tired to be honest. He was on my computer earlier today. 20 minutes ago I went to check my email, and his was still left open. Of course it being late at night, I honestly didn’t even realize I was on his. I clicked on an email because I wasn’t familiar with who it was from.
Inside was a receipt for $400 for a traffic ticket! It was dated from the night and time he went out with his friends the other day. We had a big argument the other week about telling each other everything, and he promised he always will. He only works part time, so $400 is a LOT to us.
We are just about to get engaged and buying households items for our new apartment so we’re trying to conserve money. To boot, today he made a large ($500) purchase on something just for leisure and fun and I helped put money towards it because he was worried he wouldn’t be able to make car payments/etc, and I knew he really wanted it. Granted, if I knew what I know now I would never have done that.
I asked him a bunch of times how his night was the other day, what they did, and he never once even hinted at the ticket.
I don’t expect him to tell me about everything like small tickets (he got another one a few months ago for $20 for parking violations that he told me about – which it happens, whatever). I’m honestly more upset then anything right now that he didn’t tell me about this one, especially seeing as money is tight right now.
The email didn’t say what the ticket was for, but if it was for parking, wouldn’t that be a lot?
Bees, should I confront him? It really bothers me. I honestly wasn’t snooping, but I feel like he’s going to play defensive and get angry.
Post # 3
@tornandconfused: If you share finances, then I would absolutely confront him about it. It’s not okay to hide things when you’re both paying for things together, especially when it comes to big ticket items like $400 traffic tickets.
Post # 4
Post # 5
@tornandconfused: i would talk to my FH about the ticket 400.00 is alot of $$ he should have told you hes scared to i bet. i hope this goes well for you hun good luck!
Post # 6
@somethingaquamarine: +1, yeah that’s not cool. You should talk to him.
Post # 7
How would you go about it? Anytime I talk to him about money, it’s always the same “You’re not my mom,” or “it’s my money.” Yes, we do not have a joint bank account yet, but we’ve been dating 5 yrs, we’re both well into our 20s, and he has my engagement ring bought so we’re literally weeks from being engaged.
Thanks bees, a friend I talked to about this thought I was crazy.
Post # 8
@tornandconfused: I would just tell him exactly what you posted here. And if he doesn’t understand why you’re entitled to know and care about these kinds of financial issues, he’s quite foolish. You’re going to be getting married so big financial issues now will of course impact you both.
Post # 9
@tornandconfused: If you have seperate finances like you said in your second post then I guess it really is a case of his money and he can do what he likes with it. Until you two decide and agree to join finances then there is not a lot you can do.
If you are upset about giving him money to buy something whe he is crying poor then talk to him about that. But I wouldn’t bring up the ticket.
Post # 10
i’d literally say ‘hey i thought my email was open, so i clicked on an email i didn’t recognize, turns out it was yours – why didn’t you tell me about the ticket?’
and then stress that you get that tickets happen but since money is tight right now, the 500 dollar purchase should have been put off (it happened after the ticket right?) and that you’re a bit upset that he wouldn’t mention such a large sum to you.
and yeah, there’s the argument of ‘it’s my money’ BUT that only works if he can cover everything and still contribute to shared bills. if buying 500 dollar items and paying 400 dollar tickets means he can’t pay his share of rent/bills/saving for the wedding, then those items are actually taking away from your joint money.
also – i would think that a ticket that large is a moving violation, not parking.
Post # 11
What are you more upset about, the money or the secrecy? I have to agree with j_jaye, it is his money. You chose to give him money for that large purchase. That doesn’t mean you share all your money.
However, I would be upset that he didn’t mention such a big thing. I would tell him it’s not about the money since that’s a sensitive topic and likely why he’s keeping it a secret.
Post # 12
@j_jaye: Sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree on this one. Even if it is his money, they’re about to get engaged, and that means that things like this shouldn’t be kept in the dark. Either way he should have been honest with her.
OP, I think the worst thing about this is that he didn’t tell you. I think that should be your main concern. You’re about to combine your entire lives – $400 may not be enormous, but it makes a difference and he should have been honest with you. Have you tried telling him how hurt you feel?
Post # 13
@TopazTurtle: Well that is fine as long as she is being 100% honest with him then and says I didn’t respect your privacy and was snooping on your email. And she is 100% honest with every single transaction she makes. We actually don’t even know if the fine was his. Maybe it was a friends fault that he was fined and his friend transferred the money for him to pay it. Who knows.
The fact still remains that they do not have combined finances so until they have that conversation and agree to combine finances then it really is none of the OP’s business. In fact, it is perfectly fine if they never combine finances. To each their own and all that. The only thing I think we can advise the OP to do is if it is worrying her then she needs to have the finance talk with her partner. It is unfair to accuse the OP’s partner of lying or hiding things if they have not discussed and agreed on finances before.
Post # 14
@j_jaye: I’m afraid I still disagree, but I don’t want to threadjack so I’ll just agree to disagree for now. 🙂
Post # 15
If you have joint finances, how is he going to eventually pay this without telling you?
Post # 16
@tornandconfused: You may have separate bank accounts, but it sounds like you help him out. Whether finances are separate or not, couples still work together and help each other. Any large expense should at the very least be mentioned to your partner.