Post # 1
Ok, so I finally got FI’s old guest list from his large 300+ person first wedding… We are having a small wedding (I was hoping to have 120 people or less, just immediate family and very close friends) and we were trying to cut down the guest list and he’s not willing to cut people… to the point where he is inviting his childhood dentist, his SIL’s parents (and grandmother!), their senator, his dad’s friends from work (he’s been retired for at least 5 years!), his childhood friend’s parents?!… and the list goes on… The list is low ball estimated at 100 people already (he doesn’t even know how many kids his cousin’s have so we estimated two per family)! THATS NOT EVEN INCLUDING MY FAMILY OR OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS! (which by the way my family and close friends list is around 50 people! our mutual friends MIGHT be 20 people)
His arguement is that they probably won’t come and at least we’ll get a gift… my arguement is that I don’t want to even start to invite that many people, pay money (and my own manual labor) for all of the extra invites… and the fact that we currently don’t have a rain venue and of the two we are looking at one only holds 100 people and the other probably can’t hold more than 120! And then if they actually come we need to have food to feed them, which will cost more money… Which my dad is paying for and I’m not inviting every person he’s ever worked with… Oh and did I mention the fact that the wedding is already going to be mostly his family since mine probably won’t travel…
I’m about to lose my mind… I just wanted a small and intimate wedding.
How the heck do I convince him that he doesn’t need to invite every person he has ever come in contact with?!
I’m about to just throw in the towel and say forget everything! (Ok, that’s a little dramatic but he’s not willing to budge at all, and He doesn’t even know if half of these people are still alive!) It’s just ridiculous to me.
Any help, suggestions, advice?
Post # 3
Tell him that the wedding isn’t about getting gifts; it’s about having the people who you ACTUALLY LOVE AND CARE ABOUT celebrate your marriage with you! Sheesh. (Not directed at you, OP, just at him!)
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
If my boyfriend pulled something like that, I would tell him he has to help me do all of these invites because I sure as hell am not doing them alone. I know for my boyfriend personally that would discourage him because he hates that kind of thing.
Basically I would make him work really, realy hard for those extra people and that would discourage him. I don’t know what your fiance is like though. I wish I had more helpful advice because that’s really annoying for you to have to deal with. Quite honestly, I don’t think all of those people are going to send him another gift if he already had one wedding anyway. I know I wouldn’t (but maybe I’m breaking ettiquite?) But if someone already got married once and I was invited to the wedding, I wouldn’t send another gift, ESPECIALLY if I wasn’t going.
Post # 5
@mightywombat: haha I’ve tried, I could care less about getting gifts, he said if I don’t send an invitation he will hand write one and send it… He’s being completely irrational… I had to just let it go for now and vent here…
My other arguement is that he’s already had his big wedding! It’s my turn, and I don’t want a big wedding… before we were even engaged he said he wanted a small wedding! I don’t care if they actually come, if you send the invite you open the door to have a potentially large wedding because they might just surprise you!
Post # 6
a. you only need people who care about your life and you’ve seen somewhat recently.
b. he has to do all the extra invites.
But holy kittens, that Fiance needs to bring it down to reality! Inviting the dentist? that cracks me up!
Post # 7
oops, Darling Husband just pointed out that we had his childhood dentist invited as well. BUT! His wife did all the tuxes and I guess they are famiy friends. Still no senators though.
Post # 8
Also, maybe point out that his childhood dentist and father’s former coworkers really do not care about or want an invitation to his patient-from-25-years-ago’s wedding? That to them it might just seem like gift grubbing? I would probably roll my eyes if I got an invite like that from someone I didn’t even know.
Post # 9
lol thanks ladies, at least I know I’m not being crazy…
That said, he claims they are all friends of the family… but he can’t remember the last time he saw these people (probably before his last wedding 6 years ago, because they probably didn’t go then either!)
Post # 10
Oh geez lol. Maybe just put a max on people you can invite say 120.. and then say ok my family gets to invite 60 people and your family gets to invite 60 people and thats that. I know how ya feel though. My FI’s family is mormon so his parents want to invite everyone and their pet poodle to the wedding!! That’s why I am glad we are having a small destination wedding 🙂
Post # 11
I’m just going to put my foot down and stand my ground… I might even have to call his parents to get them on my side (we talked before about how many people and how far outside of “family and close friends” we wanted to go.) Half the people on the list that he wants to invite probably don’t even know he got divorced, I mean that’s how NOT close they are… It’s just ridiculous. It’s already going to be the Fiance SHOW with all of his family and friends, so far the only ones I know who are coming from my family are my immediate family (so, 11 people?)… Yea…
It would be one thing if this were his first wedding… But I mean, come on! You already had your big day, let me have mine the way I want! (which is something he has said to me many times!)…
Why do boys have to be so difficult when you are planning a wedding??
Post # 12
Let me guess, he’s from a small town? I went through exactly the same thing….they HAVE to invite everyone..ours was narrowed to 250, and I was happy with that.
Post # 13
@saskgirl: lol WORSE than a small town, his parents grew up in a TINY town and he grew up in a city… so they have small town mentality with a lot larger population pool (plus the people from the small town, which is the town we’re getting married in)!
Post # 14
lol this just sounds crazy. I think I would use the angle of not inviting people who were at his first wedding who he has not seen since because this is not a re-do of his first wedding. I don’t think he’ll offend anyone by not inviting them even if they were there the first time as most people understand that a small wedding is family focused. I would also stress the point that your family and friends will be greatly outnumbered and you don’t want to feel like you are surronded by strangers.
For reference, we had areception venue with a 100 person max capacity and decided we could each invite 60 guests. Ultimately, he invited a few people over that had already told him tehy could not travel and I invited a few of my mom’s cousins who didn’t make the cut because she asked me to. Our numbers worked out to about 85 in the end which made us very happy and despite being in my home state, did not put me at an overwhelming advantage when it came to guests even though I had more family present. I didn’t think it would be fair to him to invite a large amount of extended family members or family friends he has never met. We also chose to exclude children which was only a minor factor in our guest list but may be something you could consider if they are children he has never met.
Post # 15
I think it’s time to sit down and approach it like, “If this is what you really want, we need to figure out a place to have it, and how much that’s going to cost, because our current options can’t hold that many people, and we need to reasses our catering options and budget, because we’ll have to feed all these people…” He needs to see the costs skyrocket for himself.
Basically, if you say, “No! We can’t do this!” you’re just setting yourself up in opposite corners when you should be working together. If he can come up with a way to work within your budget to have all these extra people come, without skimping and making it one of those wedding horror stories*, then I think you might consider that having his childhood dentist and his senator and his father’s former co-workers at his wedding is important to your Fiance.
If they aren’t important to him, then he shouldn’t be inviting them–that’s just materialistic and gift grubbing. And the thing is, with that, everyone knows when they get an invite from some random acquaintance from years ago, that what that person really wants is for the invitee to decline and send a gift anyway.
He absolutely should be responsible for the additional invitations. They’re a lot of work. And right now, it kind of sounds like he’s just telling you what he wants and you’re supposed to make it happen. I think it’s time he got his hands dirty.
*(“Omg. At my cousin’s wedding there was one chicken wing per person and they made the guests clean up to avoid clean up fees from the venue!” type stories.)
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I don’t know whether this is funny or kinda sad- “Half the people on the list that he wants to invite probably don’t even know he got divorced.” “he doesn’t even know how many kids his cousin’s have so we estimated two per family” I agree with you completely- I can’t understand WHY he’d want them at your wedding.
My guest list “rule” is- if we wouldn’t go to their funeral (and vice versa), they’re not getting an invite. Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite her aunts that Fiance doesn’t know- we’re putting our foot down on that- not going to waste $50 in invites/postage for people who won’t come when we can use that money for other things-every little bit counts.
Do you think he’d be receptive to dividing the list? For ex: We’re giving each family 25 invites, and we have 35 each for our friends (120 invites, so we should have 100-110 guest) Have you two sat down and talked about what your vision for the wedding day is? Maybe that would help, too. Personally, I want to be surrounded by people who know and love us- I want guests who will be so happy to see us get married, they’ll feel moved to tears, vs. “why am I here again?”