- 3 years ago
Sorry if any of this is Too Much Information.
I have been with my husband for five years. We’ve been married for a year and a half.
I would say overall, our relationship is a very happy and healthy one. We laugh and play constantly and have an innumerable amount of inside jokes going back years. Our morals and political/’controversial topic’ views align 100%. We have identical family goals and are on the same page about future goals. We travel well together, we handle money well together, we never fight dirty or aggressively. We have no trust or loyalty issues. I could go on and on–we’re wonderful together, I love him more than anything, and I know he feels the same about me.
But there’s one terrible thing between us: our sex life…or lack thereof.
Some background: I am his first and only sex partner, whereas I’ve had others before him. Personality-wise, I am the more outgoing/’bubbly’ one in the relationship, and although I’ve faced my fair share of hardships in the past, I’ve turned out to be a decently confident adult. He is very sweet but very shy, and has low self esteem. We do not have any children, and aside from everyday adult responsibilities, we have no major stressors/commitments. We are both healthy. I am 26 and he is 27.
In the beginning of our relationship, we were only seeing one another 6-8 times a month due to us living three hours apart and working sometimes opposite schedules (I work 12 hour overnight shifts a few times a week, whereas his schedule can be sparodic and occasionally requires travel). Even then, we had sex ALMOST every get together. He would occasionally “lose it”, but I didn’t worry about it too much, since most men experience this time to time, and I attributed this also to his newness and nervousness at intimacy.
After only about six months of having sex, I began to notice a change–now, he only wanted to have sex about every other get together. We briefly talked about it and it didn’t seem like a big deal to him–I remember him saying he’d never been one to have an enormous sex drive anyway, but he was happy with our then-current frequency. Again, it didn’t seem like a huge deal at the time, so I let it go.
We moved in together after a year and a half of dating. For about a month we went through this really awesome period of having sex 3-5 times a week! But that unfortunately didn’t last long, and we decreased to about 1-2 times a week. (I would try to initiate more often and was almost always turned down, so I stopped trying and waited for him to act first.) Even then, he was “losing it” more and more often during sex. He always said it was way more than physical; he wasn’t just losing his erection, halfway through sex he would just randomly become completely disinterested in the act altogether, mentally speaking. Like he was suddenly “over it”. I was hurt when I realized he could perform enthusiastically and with no problem when I offered oral sex, but had problems when it came to having intercourse with me. I brought up my concerns and he decided to see a doctor, who did bloodwork and determined his testosterone was normal.
Around the three year mark, we dwindled down to a pretty strict once per week/every ten days. Luckily he didn’t seem to be having any physical issues anymore. Admittedly I lost a lot of my sex drive as well; I stopped feeling in the mood as much as I used to because I was so tired of being turned down, I think my brain just told my body to stop even trying.
Our wedding was amazing and perfect, but we didn’t have sex on our wedding night, just cuddled and kissed and he went to sleep. We actully didn’t even have sex at all until three days after, which was two days into our honeymoon in Jamaica. That was the only time during our six day honeymoon we made love.
For about six months now, we’ve only been having sex once per MONTH. That’s it. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining things or not so I started marking down in my phone calendar when we did it. About two weeks ago we were both home during the day and I tried to initiate, and he turned me down. I broke down and told him I hated only being intimate once per month. He didn’t believe me that it was that infrequent!! “We have sex more than once a month!” he insisted. I showed him my phone calendar, and he was pretty shocked when he realized I was right.
He got defensive (which he doesn’t do often) and kept saying things like “I don’t know what to tell you”. I feel bad because I feel like I’m embarassing him by bringing it up, but I can’t keep ignoring it either. Then I felt really dirty because he said he didn’t like how I pressured him to have sex. It makes me cringe just thinking about that, like I’m some kind of sex monster for wanting to have sex with my husband more than once a month. I told him I don’t expect it every day or even every other day, but we needed to have some sort of compromise. Since he urinates very frequently as well I asked him if he’d be interested in Cialis, which is a low dose every day medication that’s supposed to help with sex drive and frequent urination as well. He was very uncomfortable and said he’d think about it but doesn’t want to feel like he’s taking a pill that’s forcing him to have sex.
We talked a lot. I cried and begged him to tell me if it was me, if he was less attracted to me. He swears up and down it’s completely personal, he just doesn’t care much about sex in general. He isn’t watching porn or masturbating. I’m 100% certain he isn’t cheating. He even said if I had some kind of horrible accident or problem that rendered me unable to ever have sex again, he’d be upset about it “for maybe a minute” and then pretty much never think about it again. WTF?!?!
He got really annoyed when I told him this is not normal for a healthy 27 year old, insisting since I’m not a sex expert or doctor I have no right to deem his behavior normal or not. He said he’d go to the doctor again and get a medical opinion, but he has yet to actually make an appointment and go.
Bees, he literally just does not care about sex and is seemingly impossible to turn on! I could walk around in sexy lingerie and he wouldn’t take his eyes away from the TV, or his book, or laptop. I can try to physically arouse him and he just remains completely limp and mentally bored. As I was laying in bed extremely restless and sexually frustrated last week, I thought he was asleep, and started to subtly touch myself. He suddenly said “What are you doing?? Stop fidgeting, you’re moving the sheets around!” in this really irritable voice.
To his credit, since our conversation, he’s been being extra sweet and physically affectionate (holding my hand any time we go out, cuddling me every night in bed before sleep, absentmindedly stroking my hair or rubbing my back more). Took my car for a wash and vacuum while I was at work, has surprised me with flowers twice, has gotten up early on the weekend to take the dog for a walk and come home with fresh bagels and let me sleep in. He’s so incredibly sweet and kind and these gestures make me melt. I wrote him a love letter and gave him a massage to express my gratitude. But I just wish he wanted me. I wish he was turned on by me. Sex is starting to feel like a really significant piece missing…sometimes I feel like we’re just best friends who kiss.
I know none of you can offer a magic solution. He’s open to counseling, but I have a feeling we’re not actually going to go unless *I* do the research and *I* find the doctor and *I* make the appointment. I also wonder what counseling could actually do for his sex drive itself…. He really just seems to be fine with the way things are. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here. I haven’t talked to any friends about this in real life because I don’t want to embarrass him. I’d like to know if anyone else has gone through this, and what it was like for you, and what steps you took? I can’t imagine ever being without him, but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life in a nearly sexless marriage. I feel like we’re just too young to be facing this already.