(Closed) He's just not interested in sex.

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I was going to suggest that maybe he is addicted to po as that can have a huge effect on a man’s sex life and interest in sex, but you say he doesn’t watch it or masturbate. Can I ask how you know that?

I’m sorry you’re in this position. I don’t think you’re a monster for wanting to have sex with your husband more than once a month.

Post # 3
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I had a boyfriend that could only have sex with me once a week. When I asked him why we could not have more he said he has always had a low libido. It bought up lots of insecurities for me. The truth is that it was really my problem. He was fine with how he was. he cuddled and was very affectionate. It just was not enough for me and cause a lot of problems. In the end the relationship did not work. I know that there is drugs and herbs he can take of it but if he is fine with it I’m not sure you can push that on him. Maybe he can at least talk with you about it. It is a think thought low libido.

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

Is it possible he’s asexual or something in that spectrum? I say this because I myself am asexual and how your husband talks about himself reminds me a lot of me – like some sex when my SO wants it is fine but if we never had sex again I’d also be fine. It’s nothing personal against any SO I’ve ever had, it’s just the way I am in that sexual attraction is not a thing for me regardless of the partner. Because I know this about myself, I have to be very upfront because I can’t survive in a relationship if my partner is going to be constantly pushing me to have sex – that’s not how I want a relationship to go and I don’t want a partner who isn’t going to be okay with that or who will try to push me to have more sex than I am comfortable with.

I don’t really know what advice I can give. Because yeah, it’s not fair to you to have one of your needs in a relationship going unmet. But, on the flip side, it’s also obviously not acceptable to pressure anyone in to having more sex than they are comfortable with and willing to have – even in a marriage. In that regard, I totally understand why your husband would be uncomfortable with the idea of taking a pill that he feels would force him to have sex more.

I think counseling would be helpful in the sense that it would help both of you work through where you are in this relationship, if any compromises are possible, and what you envision for each of yourselves in the future of this relationship. It would help you both understand where the other is coming from and why. Personally, it sounds like to me that you’re just incompatible in this one area and that it’s too important to you to let go. It doesn’t sound like you can be happy in a relationshp without more sex, which is totally understandable, but I don’t think you’re going to get it from this relationship. I’m sorry, bee. 

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

racecarwife89:  so I’m commenting to follow but also to offer a little of my own experience. my now husband and I went through something similar. we were much more frequent in the beginning (neither of us were each other’s first though), but once we started living together and got more comfortable it tapered. he has admitted to me that it is simply a lack of drive for him, that it had always been something he’d dealt with, and that he loses sensation as well after a while so even if he gets “in the zone” per se, after a while he can’t feel it and then it’s just not fun for him anymore.

i went through the feelings you are describing, and spent many days tearfully asking him why i wasn’t attractive enough or sexy enough or whatever enough. but i could tell he was sincere when he said it wasn’t me, that it was other things. so, i believed him. we talked about it and i realized that this is no different than if a man had a high sex drive and his wife didn’t feel like it. it would be wrong of him to expect sex because he should love her for HER and not just the physical. so i started viewing my relationship with my husband in that way and i told him: i love you for you, and i would not love you less even if we never had sex again. you are my partner, and you are the only one who is in control of your body. so if you’re not into it, you’re not into it. as long as it’s not “me” then i respect that.

i think just him knowing that the pressure was off and that i was serious in my love for him, and being willing to sacrifice something that enjoyed for his sake really helped. it was like, after that, he made more of an effort. we started working through things together to help the issues. so if his drive wasn’t there, he’d still make a point to start communicating to me how sexy i looked in a dress or if my butt looked good or something. we started to think of ways to keep the sensation there. we looked into vitamins/herbs to make sure all his internal situations are up to speed. we have basically used it as a means to grow closer. which has helped tremendously–we’re back to 2-3x/week which is great, and we got a crash course in communication!

in your case, i wouldn’t be surprised if maybe he’s feeling like he’s not enough or isn’t normal, since you’re his first. you’re literally the only person he’s ever been with and then boom, what feels normal for him (i.e., indifference towards sex) is now “wrong” or “not enough.” that doesn’t mean that YOUR feelings are wrong, i’m just thinking that maybe it’s a miscommunication that keeps on giving.

best of luck bee. i know it sucks!!

Post # 8
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

you know i thought i could have written this. I have a very similar story, one huge difference… you and he are in your 20’s and i am 45, my fiancee is 54. I wish i had some advise for you.  but i know how hurt your feelings are right now. you are going to have to figure this out with him and in such a way that he does not get defensive. men shut down fast when confronted with issues regarding sex and performance. Be gentle and loving at all times with him.

Post # 10
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Could he be gay or asexual…I don’t know just throwing out ideas but I know that’s not helpful. Just wanted to let you know that sex is an important part of a relationship and that it is obviously so to you so I hope you figure out a solution where you are both happy. If you are not content and this is causing issues then it should be addressed, and he should understand that. 

Post # 11
Member
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would have a hard time believing that marriage and long term commitment have nothing to do with it. My guess is that it’s a psychological thing, for example he only wants what he can’t have.  But I agree that being blindsided has not been fair to you. I’d insist on therapy for him with someone experienced in this area, a doctor’s visit,  and couples counseling. 

In the end, you may have to decide whether or not you are willing to live like this for the rest of your life. At your age, a lot of people would not be.   

Post # 14
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have any helpful advice, but I once dated a guy who was exactly like this, so I know how frustrating it can be and what a toll it can take on your self esteem.  It’s great to hear that he is open to counseling though, and even though it’s annoying for him to not be taking the initiative to schedule it, I totally think it would be a good idea for you to make the appointment.  Hope they can help you guys get everything worked out!  🙂

Post # 15
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

People find intamacy in different ways.  It souds like he is still intimate with you, but he just has a much lower sex drive.  I would agree that there is no normal or abnormal here, but you are very different.  I would suggest that maybe you should go together to a sex therapist.  Because medically speaking he doesn’t have a problem.  The problem is between both of you and different expectations.  Perhaps you could take care of your own needs more often, and he could compromise with once a week?  

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