He's nervous about having a baby with me.

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Wow. Yeah I agree with pp that you should be the one who’s concerned about having a baby with your husband, not the other way around. He’s insane to say that to you when he wasn’t lifting a finger to help!

Yes obv a baby is more demanding than a puppy but it’s also a human being that you brought forth into the world willingly and do not have the option to rehome. I don’t necessarily think the fact that you gave up on a puppy you didn’t even want in the first place means you’d be unfit as a parent. 

Post # 17
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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itsinthepast :  I don’t mean this to come across as bitchy…but babies are harder than puppies and growing up around other people having babies is NOT EVEN CLOSE to having one yourself. And three weeks isn’t very much time for a dog to adjust to a new home.  All that said, if you don’t want a puppy but DO want a baby of course it’s going to be different so that doesn’t mean you won’t be a great human mom even if you being a puppy-mom isn’t for you. 

Also you need to have a real talk with your husband about sharing responsibilities if/when you have a baby. Being a Stay-At-Home Mom does not mean that he doesn’t have to be a parent when he gets home from the office and do his fair share of housework. 

Post # 18
Member
9933 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Helping other people with their babies is not the same as having your own. It’s just not.

I think if your husband acts this way when you have a child, you will grow extremely resentful, especially being a stay at home mom. You don’t get breaks. You could have PPD, you could have no bond with your baby. He or she may scream for hours on end, every day. And I’m sure your husband will still expect you to keep the house decent too, since you’re at home all day, right?

I literally didn’t sleep through the night for 14 months after having our daughter, so being upset about 3 weeks is a little bit ridiculous to me. 

And again, why didn’t you ask your husband to get up with the puppy??? Or did he refuse?

Post # 19
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think, by any means, that the fact that you re-homed the puppy means you’re not ready for a child. As a huge animal lover who fosters animals, I’m usually very judgemental of people who re-home their pets (I can’t help it) but I also understand that there are different circumstances for everyone. You committed to something you weren’t ready for and that your heart wasn’t fully in because your husband wanted it. You should have waited until you felt fully ready but I’m sure you didn’t think you’d be left doing all of the work for a puppy that HE wanted. My fiance has been talking about adopting a dog and even though animals are one of my biggest passion, I know I’m not ready for that committment and therefore wouldn’t be ready to put in the work right now.

Your husbands comment was mean. He’s feeling hurt about giving away the dog and probably blames you since you suggested it and found the new home. That comment was probably his way of “hurting you” back, which is immature and uncalled for. I’d be worried about his ability to help you care for a child when he couldn’t even help you care for the dog that HE so desparately wanted…

Post # 20
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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itsinthepast :  But he wanted to get a puppy so that we would be able to train the way we wanted him to be

Then why wasn’t he training him?? I have a friend like this – he spent $$$ on a puppy so that he could train it and then never did – his dog basically lives at home locked up because he doesn’t play well with other dogs or humans and he’s overweight and just kind of sad. I adoped a 7 month old rescue and while I didn’t have to worry about potty training I did train him on the rules of our house and he’s practically a perfect dog (if I may say so myself haha). 

Post # 21
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Bee, I think this is all not that dramatic as it may seem now. Maybe you could have tried longer with the puppy and eventually it would have calmed down or whatever. But let’s see it as a what it is; it was not the best idea to get a puppy at the moment and given the situation you’re in. So you tried and now found him a home that sounds great. Things like this happen and you found a good enough solution, because you CARED.

That this is not funny for either of you is obvious and that he’s sad about it also. He just let it get the better on him and he tried to blame someone for it and it was you. This was not ok and to relate it to your skills as a parent is just a very childish thing to do.

I’d suggest that you should talk to him about how his comment made you feel and that it was very inconsiderate of him saying such a thing. And maybe talk about why it came to that, so in the future you can plan to have another dog, eventually.

You’re going to be a good mum, Bee. You’ll have enough stress when the baby is here, so try not to stress you out now.

Post # 22
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Westwood :  yup. I literally cried every single day for the first 7 weeks of my daughter’s life. I didn’t have the time or energy to do anything besides feed her and squeeze in short naps. If my husband hadn’t been an awesome father who rocked her to sleep, did housework, tried anything he could to give me a break (which is hard when you’re breastfeeding) we’d be divorced. Or he’d be dead. Would have depended which day you caught me on lol. 

Post # 24
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee

I know a lot of people like to compare people’s behaviour with animals to behaviour with kids. I don’t really agree with it. I think those two things are totally different and should be treated as such. I find it really troubling that he who actually wanted the puppy is taking no responsibility.

Post # 25
Member
4397 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah, I agree with PP that some serious conversations need to be had. You keep saying it will be different as a Stay-At-Home Mom, but you’re going to want a night off sometimes. You’re going to need a break. And he wouldn’t help with the dog he wanted when you were both working. What makes you think he’ll help when you aren’t working with a baby?

Post # 26
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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itsinthepast :  honestly….it’s really not all that different. Sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation. I will admit I didn’t handle it well at all but thankfully my husband operates fairly well on little sleep and was very supportive. My wonderful, magical unicorn baby started sleeping through the night (12 hours) at 2 months old and I don’t know how I would have survived much longer. 

Post # 27
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Also please don’t be offended by a chorus of moms telling you that you don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not a dig! We didn’t have a clue either before we had kids! Although most of us thought we did. It’s just impossible to comprehend until you’ve been there yourself because it is so life altering. I thought I wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and after maternity leave I knew it wasn’t for me. I know other moms that were certain they wanted careers and then changed their minds and went home. And we all have those things that we (or our kids) “would never do” but then…we do lol. 

Post # 28
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

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itsinthepast :  your husband’s words make him sound like a lazy, inconsiderate ass. he got to do the “fun” things with the puppy while you were expected to do the lion’s share of the thankless work. he did nothing to raise the pup, but HE’s the one afraid to have a baby with YOU?!

If anything, this little stunt should have you second-guessing his approach to parenthood. It seems like he’d think that being a Stay-At-Home Mom was a full-time vacation and he’d take no parts in child rearing other than taking Jr. to toss the baseball to unwind after a hard day’s work.

Also, the fact that he was okay with giving up the dog rather than stating that he’d take more responsibility is very telling of how he doesn’t want to put in the hard work that parenthood/dog ownership requires. 

Post # 29
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

I guarantee your husband has no intention of helping you take care of any children you might have. In his mind, taking care of the puppy was YOUR responsibility, not his. He played with the puppy when he felt like it and left you to do all the hard work. If you have a baby with him, he’ll be the same way. He’ll see the baby as your responsibility, and you’ll be taking care of that baby by yourself. The puppy was a test, and HE failed.

Have you asked him how he feels about splitting childcare duties? Have you asked him if he plans to get up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying baby? If he plans to change any diapers? Or does he think that will be your job, and he’ll just wait until the kid is 7 years old so he can coach the soccer team?

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