He's nervous about having a baby with me.

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

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itsinthepast :  I can honestly understand why he’d be afraid to have a baby with you—his prior understanding was that you’d be doing all the hard work while he carried on with his regular daily activities. Now that he’s learned that you wouldn’t be a pushover and required him to behave like a responsible, equal partner, he wants no parts of it because it will actually cut into the comfortable life he’s used to living.

so, while that doesn’t make him any less of an ass, I do at least understand where the “fear” comes from. he’s afraid that he will have to be a responsible adult in charge of 50% of the hard work that accompanies raising a puppy or child—and that’s clearly a helluva lot more than he’d initially bargained for.

stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. he does not deserve it. you were not wrong to expect him to help with the puppy—that was a reasonable expectation. he is not a 9 year old who begs for a dog and then gets to abandon the responsibility of training it to his mommy. this was not your failing in any way at all.

Post # 47
Member
7795 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The benefit of the doubt? Nooooooooo. Because when he disappoints you this time what do you do, except everything, on your own, because you have no choice, growing more resentful day by day?

You two really need to have some serious conversations before you bring a child into this relationship. 

Post # 48
Member
7187 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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itsinthepast :  Wooooo, chile! I would have eviscerated my husband if he did fuckall with a puppy while I did all of the work and then had the nerve to fix his mouth to tell me he was worried about having a baby with me. FUCK HIM. Absolutely fuck the fuck out of him.

I’d be back on birth control and TTC would be on hold because he just showed you who he is and what he will be doing if and when you do have a baby- leaving the work to you and then bitching at you about not doing it better all by yourself.

Fuck him.

Dipshit.

Post # 49
Member
7187 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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happiekrappie :  All of this.

In fact, OP, my 9 year old son does more to help with our dog than your husband did.

The complete arrogance it would take for him to tell you he’s worried about having a child with you. How hurtful and enraging. 

Post # 50
Member
7187 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Pssssssh. Duplicate post. I’m so irritated on your behalf I’m triple clicking buttons.

 

Post # 51
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

Holy hell. His despicable comment would NOT fly with me and he would have been read the riot act right then and there.

Time for a “Get Your Head Out of Your Ass” conversation. Stat.

And stop TTC until you have his attitude straightened out. If that’s even possible

Post # 52
Member
11140 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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itsinthepast :  

With 30 years in dogs behind me, raising lots of puppies, taking in client’s dogs for housebreaking, and doing every bit of it on my own, until just three years ago;  this whole thing just hits me all wrong.

You threw in the towel on a poor little puppy without trying any reasonable options for problem solving.  

So, the husband wasn’t helpful.  In what world is everyone living in where partners all do equal puppy and baby raising chores?

Dh was the first man in my life to seriously engage with my dogs in a lot of years.  His heart is in the right place, he really loves the dogs, but, he’s a shit handler. It happens. We always had multiple adults until 2016, when we got our first puppy together.  Dh wants to help.  It’s just better when he doesn’t.  Although, the 2am stuff is 100% mine. He takes up the slack by taking them out last thing at night.

But, training is not his jam. He has terrible timing and just does not catch on to the puppy raising/dog training stuff. His job is feeding and playing.  

So, it still all falls on my head.  That’s how things shake out in real life.

Anyone so overwhelmed by a puppy can’t possibly be thinking seriously about a baby. And, wth?  Babies can’t easily be rehired if you  happen to get a fussy one.

Allow me to head off the inevitable dog does not = baby defense.  True enough.  But, the way people care for their pets speaks volumes about their maturity and character.

Just how carefully was this ‘perfect couple’ screened?  Vet references? Home inspection?  Or, were you just only too happy to dump this innocent little creature at the first opportunity? Hopefully, you did go to Perfect Couple’s home to get some sense of who they are. I would hate to have to tell you what can happen to little puppies in the wrong hands.

Post # 53
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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TwilightRarity :  Not to be too forward, but I think I love you. 

Post # 54
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

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echomomm :  I think we all love 
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TwilightRarity. and I mean it in the most forward way possible 🙂

Post # 55
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I 100% get that babies and puppies are nowhere near the same. However, I’m sorry OP you and your husband are completely irresponsible. You said that you two agreed that since you worked closer that you would check on the puppy during lunch then said it was “causing too much anxiety”. Puppies are hard work. They require so much care, training, and attention. I bought my dog while I lived at home during college. My family was 100% on board and supportive. She was an busy pup that NEVER sleeped. We actually slept in shifts the first few weeks because the crying was horrible. Guess what.. we went to training classes and worked really hard to establish a good pattern. I am so sick of hearing about people getting a dog as a trial run for a baby. I’m happy you were able to rehome the puppy though.

Sorry for the harsh response OP. Now on to the biggest problem. Your husband is being a selfish ass. He was not contributing to the puppy that was his idea. I would stop all TTC until you two have a heart to heart about raising your future children. Here’s the biggest red flag for me. You are planning to be a Stay-At-Home Mom which I’m assuming translates to him not helping or lifting a finger because you’re going to stay home. What are you going to do when he doesn’t help with the baby?

Post # 56
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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sassy411 :  So, the husband wasn’t helpful.  In what world is everyone living in where partners all do equal puppy and baby raising chores?

Ummm I guess I live in that perfect world! My husband takes equal care of our three cats and one seven-month-old baby. Of course there are things that he can’t do (eg breastfeed), but there are also things he has exclusively taken over (cleaning the litter boxes – yessss!). All in all, he’s an equal partner in pet and child rearing. I don’t think that’s such a crazy or unusual thing??!

 I usually think you have great advice, but I very much disagree that we should all just take on unequal pet and child rearing duties (and household duties, etc) because we’re women and the men can’t be bothered with it.

 OP – I would have some serious discussions about how EXACTLY you envision division of labor when it comes to the baby, before continuing to TTC. I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to be the only one getting up at night, and he was/is great with that. I naively assumed he’d adjust his work schedule to get home earlier most nights, and that hadn’t really come to fruition 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

Post # 57
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Yes, there were many things you BOTH might and should have considered before bringing home a puppy when you work full time. Yes, there are trainers and resources you could have consulted or hired. And yes, it can depend on the breed and personality of the individual dog, which is something that probably should have been taken into consideration at the outset as well. 

But to lay this all at your feet, as your sole responsibity and to question your ability to parent a child is disgusting and frankly, emotionally abusive. He is the one who wanted the puppy at this time. The outcome is equally on him. And nobody leaves a baby home alone for 8 hours a day. Give me a break. There is absolutely no comparison.

The situation is very unfortunate, but the dog is still young enough to adapt and adjust just fine. I’m not so sure I would be. 

Post # 58
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I mean, I’m honestly not surprised at all that your husband thinks like this. As much as we all want to believe we live in a world where guys step up and are equal partners at home, there is still a huge population of men out there who think child-rearing is a woman’s job and that the man’s job is going to work and bringing home a paycheck. 

And there are women who are totally fine with an arrangement like this — but it sounds like all of this has shown you that you are not. And if you’re not, then at the very least, you have to slam the brakes on TTC until you’re on the same page about your expectations.

Post # 59
Member
4364 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You want to give him the benefit of the doubt? Like he’s giving it to you?

Post # 60
Member
6664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe it wasn’t a very nice thing to say but I would be very nervous having a child with any adult irresponsible enough to adopt a dog then turn around and give it away without it being an absolute last resort.

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