He's nervous about having a baby with me.

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 76
Member
9878 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, I think it should be telling that when you told him you were struggling, he agreed to rehome the dog rather than step up and contribute more to his care. That was the full extent of the effort he is willing to give right there. That’s it.

I think this should be an eye-opening realization of how he will be as a parent.

Post # 77
Member
6379 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
itsinthepast :  I have not read any other comments

Truthfully I think this is a big sign neither of you is ready for a baby.  Neither of you could handle a puppy.  Him for relying on you to do everything you for wanting to rehome after three weeks.  a 10 week old puppy is a baby, most likely it could have had playmates in the shelter and missed them.  Missed the noise of the shelter, etc.

When we first got our dog he was an 11 week old puppy, he had other siblings but spent most of his time inside the house because he was the runt and needed extra food.  When he was out and about with his siblings he was fine.  When we took him home, he did cry for the first few days, but he wasn’t in a crate all day and night which I think helped and we played with him a lot.  It also helped that my husband was home all day to play with him.

Post # 78
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Wow his latest response is a total eye opener. 

Instead of coming together and discussing how you two can be partners in raising a baby, he pretty much doubled down and implied he considers it YOUR primary responsibility, not his.

And really? If everyone knew what he knew they would all agree?

Please. I’d hope that these mythical people he speaks of aren’t as sexist as him, and that they would tell him that a baby or a puppy is NOT automatically the women’s primary responsibility, and give him an earful about stepping up, and not blaming the woman for failing what HE considers “woman duties”

 

Post # 79
Member
10491 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your husband is, and I cannot stress this enough, being a bitch. 

Post # 80
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t understand why your husband is nervous about having a baby with you—I mean you already have a big man-baby…HIM. 

Post # 81
Member
417 posts
Helper bee

I do think if a puppy isn’t manageable for either of you two… then no its not time for a baby. Babies are waaaay more hands on than a puppy. Neither of you are the “good guy” in this argument. Him being nervous about having a baby is not addressing the real issues here.

**Did you try playing music while gone for pup? Worked for my puppy that is now 5 years old. Nursery rhymes on pandora worked. Radios. Besides the point now I guess.

Post # 82
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

WoW! I think you should be the one nervous about having a child with him. That’s a terrible thing to say to your wife though, he’s crazy!

Post # 83
Member
3441 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
sassy411 :  My hubs truly is an equal partner, and trust me, after 15 years with a wonderful guy / exH who was NOT an equal partner in hardly any way…. I know how special it is!! 

I just want to make sure that is the default that we all are expecting.  If you adopt a pet or have a baby with your partner, they shouldn’t be able to get out of their equal share because of some antiquated gender norms.  I know it often / usually doesn’t turn out that way, in part because of the structure of our society as much as anything else… but it still should be the default expectation.  (Clearly communicated to said partner.)

OP – I think you’re correct to reassess.  Perhaps couples counseling could be beneficial.  Your husband needs to examine why he thinks it’s appropriate that you do most of the pet (and presumably, child) rearing.

Post # 84
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

Soooo….he just didn’t listen to you at all? You really don’t seem like equal partners as far as caregiving goes. I think putting TTC on hold was a good decision, and I agree that he should go to therapy (with you) and get some perspective.

This thread has pretty much confirmed how thrilled I am to be a cat mom—oh my god, they are such a breeze! I love dogs, but I have always known what a huge commitment dog parenting is (especially from a puppy). That said, I do want children and I don’t think that my reluctance to care for a dog has anything to do with the kind of parent I will be. It might be a little like having a dog as far as the constant attention, feeding and immobility goes, but with a child that stage does pass. Babies grow into children, which then grow into adults. I’ve never had to stop a ten-year-old child from eating sanitary napkins out of the trash, but I have had to do that with a ten-year-old dog! Then again, I’ve never had a sventeen-year-old dog tell me that I “don’t know their life” and slam a door in my face either. It is possible to communicate with your children past a certain age, which brings with it its own set of problems, but also allows you to bond with them on a different level. Not saying that dog parents don’t bond with their fur children, but it is just different when it’s a dependent of your own species, biology kind of designed it that way.

Also, what numerous PPs have said is exactly right, it all depends on what you WANT to do. There are a lot of mothers out there who have been forced to keep children they never wanted who aren’t the best parents in the world. Even after the puppy incident you seem pretty sure you still want children. You don’t need to be Mother Earth and nurture all forms of life regardless of species to be a good parent. What you DO need is a husband who has realistic expectations :).

Post # 85
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
slomotion :  That’s not fair.

 

Bitches take good care of their puppies.

Post # 86
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

I’m actually shocked that some Bee’s agree that if you can’t take care of a puppy, you aren’t ready for a baby. That’s a load of horse shit. 

Giving birth and becoming a mother (to a human) unleashes a power within that you don’t know you have until you experience it. 

As mom’s, we have a biological connection and instincts that allow us to cope and power through child rearing that simply does not surface until tiny humans are involved. Puppies don’t bring that out in us. (Yes, there are some dog parent’s who would disagree. Power to you). 

Barring any PPD or other ill effects from birth, the likelihood is that you will cope just fine with a newborn. (80-90% of mom’s do not suffer PPD or other ill effects after birth based on a quick google search).

I am shocked that the man who is supposed to love you the most has hurt you in this way. Presuming he knew that having a child was important to you, this has to be one of the most insensitive things I have ever heard. Shirking his puppy responsibilities aside, I would be re-thinking a relationship with him based on the fact that he’s an asshole.  

Post # 89
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Since your husband is so focused on YOUR ability to handle stress and be a good parent, I wonder if he’s had a chance to analyze his own ability to handle stress and be a good parent. He didn’t exactly face any stress with the puppy, since he was sleeping through the night while the dog cried and his workday wasn’t interrupted by lunchtime puppy care. He was largely absent while you took care of the puppy. Does he think that’s a sign that he’ll be a good parent in the future? Or does he think you’re the only one who needs to be a good parent?

He seems to think he needs to test you, but who’s testing him? He didn’t exactly fight to keep the puppy. Sounds like he only wanted the puppy if you were going to do all the work. Perhaps he feels the same way about having a baby; he only wants it if you’re going to do all the work. Maybe now he’s realizing that you would expect him to help take care of the baby, and that’s what he doesn’t want.

Post # 90
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
daisy123 :  Not everyone who gives birth feels an instant magical bond with their baby.  It didn’t happen for my sil.  She loves her kids but she found motherhood extremely difficult for the first few years even though it’s something she wanted %110. ( she did IVF) My view is that something you want very much can still be difficult and that sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation.  It doesn’t mean that op won’t be great mother but it’s a little irresponsible to pretend that if someone can’t handle sleep deprivation then it somehow will be ok  because it’s a baby that’s causing it.  

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