He's nervous about having a baby with me.

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 91
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653 posts
Busy bee

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oceangirl40 :  I said nothing about feeling a magical bond with a baby, and if you read my comment I did mention that 80-90% of mother’s do not suffer ill effects after birth. Your sister was obviously part of the 10-20% that do. 

I’m guessing you aren’t a parent because, and this is purely anecdotal (but still valid) and I don’t know if there is scientific data to back it, but IT IS DIFFERENT. Sleep deprivation sucks regardless of the reason for it, true. But, coping with it can be a completely different experience when it is caused by your own offspring. There was nothing irresponsible in my previous comment. Her husband is still an ass for suggesting that she couldn’t handle a baby if she can’t handle a puppy. 

Post # 92
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I agree with you. I don’t cope well with sleep deprivation period, but when my baby is the one causing it there’s a sort of “soldier on” mentality I adopt. Like it’s awful but you just do it and you somehow survive. It’s just different somehow than sleep deprivation caused by other things. 

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daisy123 :  

Post # 93
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, I’m really glad that you’re pausing TTC and reconsidering your marriage. I think you two need counseling. Have you read that study that said the biggest predictor of divorce is when couples talk to each other with contempt?  https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ 

It sounds like you got the puppy without a clear understanding of how much work that entails or a clear delegation of how you would share responsibilities. That’s on both of you. The rest, I believe, is bad behavior on his part. When you told him how much it was stressing you out/messing with your sleep/creating extra work for you, he did nothing to help. Then he agreed to rehome the puppy without trying to improve the situation, but he blamed you, and cast aspersions on your ability to be a good mom based on a situation he DIRECTLY CONTRIBUTED TO.

Like PPs have said, I would be really, really cautious about having a baby with this man. He does not sound like a loving, respectful partner. Even if he does take paternity leave for 3 months, I have serious doubts about how much he will contribute. I could see him handing the baby off to you or ignoring its needs so you pick up the slack, while he sleeps or plays video games or something. Seriously, if you want to stay married to him, go get counseling. If the comment you shared is indicative of how he treats you generally, maybe you should go alone rather than as a couple. 

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happiekrappie :  Can I just say, I love every comment you’ve made on this thread?! Could not agree more.

Post # 94
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

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tiffanybruiser :  and
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daisy123 :  The difference is, you have no choice. When it’s your baby, you find a way to cope with chronic sleep deprivation because YOU HAVE TO. What else are you going to do? Rehome the baby? Abandon him? Drop him off at a no-kill shelter? It’s not that the OP couldn’t cope with puppy-related sleep deprivation; she just didn’t want to. And she didn’t have to, because rehoming the puppy was a viable option. It comes down to what you’re willing to put up with. The OP never really wanted a puppy in the first place, and she found a good home for him, so there was no need for her to “soldier on.” With a human baby, she would have to cope with it, whether she liked it or not.

Some people decide they don’t want to deal with sleep deprivation even when it’s caused by their own offspring. That’s why things like the Baby Safe Haven program exist. There are always going to be mothers who feel compelled to abandon their babies because they just can’t deal. Not all of them are evil or suffering from a mental disorder (although I assume most of them didn’t plan their pregnancies). This doesn’t really apply to the OP, since she clearly wants children, but it’s not realistic to assume that all mothers will feel differently about the stress and sleep deprivation caused by their offspring. For some mothers, it’s just too much and they’re not willing to put up with it.

Post # 95
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

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cypresstree85 :  That does not apply to the OP’s circumstance. I don’t know why you felt the need to justify a position that doesn’t exist and is highly unlikely to exist. Again, the two scenarios (puppy vs. baby) are simply not comparable, which you stated in a round-about way in your first paragraph.   

Post # 96
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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cypresstree85 :  I agree with you that a large part of it is that you have no other choice when it’s your own offspring. And Im not assuming all mothers would be able to put up with the sleep deprivation of havig a baby – but the vast majority do.

In any case, rehoming a dog in the way the OP went about it was not cruel or inhumane – it was actually responsible. She did it quickly and it sounds like to a good home, so everyone is better off.

Acting like she’s unfit to be a mother to a human baby because she chose to rehome this dog is ridiculous imo.

Post # 97
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2106 posts
Buzzing bee

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tiffanybruiser :  AND she responsibly rehomed him. It’s not like just said “fuck it” and dropped him off at a shelter. it seems like she put a ton of thought into finding suitable parents for him…I really don’t understand all the heat she’s getting calling her irresponsible. 

Post # 98
Member
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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daisy123 :  idk I’m a mom and to me sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation. I wasn’t up at 3am with a kid suctioned to my boob thinking “well I’m tired but it’s fine because I made this cute little human” I was thinking “fuck what did I do to my life?!” I made it through (barely) because I had to but for many women, even those without PPD, the sleep deprivation is totally the same as any other sleep deprivation. I love my kid and I plan to have at least one more, but I’ll be the first person screaming from the rooftops that newborns suuuuuuuuuuuck. The first time I had no idea how bad it would be, next time I’ll be able to remind myself that it doesn’t last forever lol. 

Post # 99
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

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daisy123 :  I know, I said it doesn’t apply to the OP. I mentioned it because it’s a position that does exist in the world, and I think the notion that it’s always different when it’s your own baby is problematic.

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tiffanybruiser :  I agree that it’s ridiculous to act like the OP is unfit to be a mother just because she chose to rehome the dog. The two situations are entirely different, but I don’t see it as the difference between “dog” and “human baby.” I see it as the difference between “want” and “don’t want.” The OP wants to take care of a baby. She didn’t want to take care of a puppy. Of course dealing with the puppy felt like too much, because she never wanted that responsibility in the first place. But she wants children very much, so I’m sure she’d find a way to cope with the stress. It would be nice if her husband was willing to help out though! I’m sure taking care of a baby is a lot more stressful when you’re doing it by yourself.

See, I’m the opposite. I love animals, I love having pets, I volunteer at the shelter, etc. Even though taking care of a puppy can be stressful, I’d be happy to do it because being around animals is so rewarding for me. But I don’t want kids, and I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with the stress of having a baby, because I wouldn’t find it rewarding. If my birth control failed and I couldn’t access an abortion for some reason, you can bet I’d be dropping that baby off at a Safe Haven location as soon as possible, my own offspring be damned. It would be totally different if I actually wanted the baby.

Post # 101
Member
10490 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I mean, technically, you can rehome your baby. It would just probably be frowned upon if you were like “Yo, come get this kid! I need my sleep!”

 

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cypresstree85 :  

Post # 102
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

Again, I am not yet a parent myself, but from what I’ve heard parenthood kind of blows the concept of straightforward, consistent emotions to smithereens. Thinking your kid is awesome for existing does not exclude the suspicion that they are plotting to murder you slowly through sleep deprivation. There’s this spectrum, and one end is “I Will Die For You” and the other is “I Want To Kill You” and most parents constantly hover somewhere in between without actually reaching either extreme. I hope. Wanting the kid doesn’t always result in immediate, self-sacrificing, all-consuming love, but not wanting the kid probably ups the risk of resentment considerably by comparisson.

 

Post # 104
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

This is what I would tell him:

When we adopted the puppy, you and I were making a joint decision to co-parent that puppy. You were the one who changed the rules by not taking his training or needs seriously. I was basically single parenting the puppy. I was the one monitoring him to make sure he was safe when we were at work. I was the one worried about his happiness. I was the one who took the lead on the training. You don’t have any less time now than you did when you said you wanted a dog. If you had made it clear I would be the primary dog owner doing all the work raising him, I would not have agreed to adopt him. If you can’t see that being concerned about his happiness, wellbeing and safety, as well as the relationship we have with our neighbours, is actually the mature stance, and shrugging off his unhappiness and poor behaviour as “cute” is the stance of someone who is not yet ready to be a parent, than I don’t know how to explain it to you any further.

I am not going to let you make me feel inadequate for not being able to look after a small puppy on my own when I never agreed to do that. You’re the one who changed the rules. You’re the one who was immature. You’re the one who couldn’t step up. And yes, now I’m considering my desire to have children with YOU. Your options are to go to counselling with me, or end things, because I am not having a baby with someone who isn’t prepared to take its care seriously. I own my part in what happened, but I need you to admit yours, and I want us to move forward on this as part of the same team, instead of as adversaries.

 

Also, I wouldn’t say this, but I would certainly think it: You know who begs to get a dog then doesn’t take care of it? Children. Children should not be having children.

Post # 105
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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itsinthepast :  I totally agree that caring for a much loved, much wanted baby is worlds apart than caring for a dog, and that your partner should not have made that comparison. I get that there are super dog people on this thread, and I’ve no issue with that, but there is NO comparison between a puppy and your own infant. I would do anything, absolutely anything for my son. I’m a bit meh about pets to be honest which means I shouldn’t ever get my own. One has nothing to do with the other, and I know that I’m a very caring and attentive parent. To me it’s like someone saying “ooh you didn’t put much thought, attention and care into making that spaghetti, therefore you probably won’t put much thought, attention and care into practising the violin”. For tasks that we are passionate and caring about, we find endless amounts of time and energy for. 

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