(Closed) he's not attracted to me

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@elletiger:  ((((HUGS!))))) 🙁 That SUCKS! I can’t really offer advice because all I can come up with is eff that noise, find someone who appreciates you. And it doesn’t sound like that’s the type of advice you’re looking for. But if it were me, I couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t find me attractive.

Post # 4
Member
10364 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This should be a  huge red flag.  In your place, it would  be a deal breaker.  If he is saying these things to you now, you probably can’t even imagine what he is capable of in a year, two years or  ten years down the line.  Do you really want to be with someone who is so controlling and insensitive?  When someone shows you who he is, believe them.  

Post # 5
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@elletiger:  while I don’t think your Fiance should have been so insensitive, may I ask a question? Has your weight or style changed since the two of you got together? Or is he upset about things that have always been this way? 

Post # 6
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Your BMI is 25.1 so you are point 1 overweight (which is nothing!!!)

If YOU want to lose weight because you feel you need to, cutting out processed foods and doing exercise, like yoga, is a great start.

However, if you are happy with how you look – screw him! You are healthy, that is what matters.

On a side note, what made him bring this up?

Post # 7
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

@elletiger:  🙁 Well…from your avatar photo, you are absolutely gorgeous, love. I think you should do what you feel you need/want to do to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. And I am so sorry you are in this situation. No one wants to hear those words from someone they love.

BUT the key thing about that is “self.” Your Fiance should love you for you and not because you are hot and thin. You should seek joint counseling and work things out openly and honestly, because this sort of shallow regard for one’s SO is not supposed to be the norm. Of course, physical attraction to one’s SO is not always going to be a 10 all of the time, but that’s why deeper emotional attraction is important, as well. He has a lot he needs to work through himself, and if you do want to go through with the wedding, it should be dealt with beforehand. Besides, if that is his attitude now, what happens when you get pregnant? Or you gain weight as you get older? 

And I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt wrapped in Denzel Washington blended with Josh Duhamel…

Post # 8
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

This is a terrible situation to be in and I’m really sorry you are going through this.

First and foremost, he loves you. You should, however, be attractive to your partner and be attracted to him. Appearance is an element of attraction, but it isn’t the only factor. It sounds like the other factors line up since he still loves you and wants to marry you. But for the long term health of your relationship, you can’t ignore that appearance issue. It’ll eat away at the relationship over time. A healthy marriage involved physical intimacy. So, you can either decide that you are happy the way you are and that you want to find someone who is physically attracted to you that way or you can decide that you want to be more attractive to your SO and you can work on healthily and slowly loosing weight. If he were seeking some appearance change that wasn’t healthy, then that would be out of the question.

I am 5’8″ and the smallest I’ve been as an adult is 158lbs (when I was a freshman in college). Before I got pregnant, I was 170 or so at my smallest. Now I’m hovering right around 200 since I still have most of the baby weight to lose. I’m very uncomfortable at this weight, but I looked good at 170 and great at 158, so you are certainly not obese or fat or anything like that. You are beautiful and probably quite healthy. The question is whether you want to try to meet someone else’s standard for beauty or move on.

Doing your hair, shaving your pubic area, and wearing lingerie will not fix this.

Post # 9
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@weddingmaven +100

I am sorry, but i dont have any advice for YOU. I dont think this is your problem, it is his. There is a difference between caring about health (my fiance says he loves my body, and he definitely does, I am not overweight or even close, but I am out of shape and he is worried about my health and urges me to do more physical things) and just being a jerk (saying he isnt attracted to you). I think your fiance is a jerk from what you have written. You shouldnt need to wear certain things and diet to please your fiance if he loves you. 

 

Post # 10
Member
4476 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

What is going on here lately?!  Why are so many SO’s telling bees they’re unattractive?!  Argh!

 

 

 

Physical attraction’s an important component of a relationship.  Sex is important in a relationship.  If those things aren’t there before you’re married, that’s a problem.  I’m not exactly Adriana Lima, but my husband still finds me physically attractive and sees a lot more beauty in me than the average observer would.  In your avatar you look totally cute.  And if he’s not attracted to you now, what happens 20 years from now when things start to sag and wrinkle?  I’d seriously rethink marrying this guy if this is how he truly feels.

Post # 11
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Personally, my SO and I talk about this. He will tell me when I’m not as attractive to him (when I start to put on a little weight) and although it hurts (every time!) I WANT him to tell me when this happens. It’s the reality check I need to get my sweet tooth back until control. BUT we have had a conversation where we deem this to be appropriate. 

1) Talk to your Fiance about whether you two are going to allow comments on your physical appearance. If so, this means you can tell him that he is too hairy for your tastes, or getting a bit pudgy etc etc. It goes both ways.

2) Sit down with your Fiance and figure out if this is really the actual problem. Is it really that your sex life is lacking something and this is what he thinks it needs? I have a feeling (given that you aren’t really overweight) that this had to do with lack of satisfaction in the bedroom. Not because you are bad or anything, but because bedroom awesomeness is something which needs to be constantly worked on and when we let it slide it can make us miserable, but we can’t think of it first when trying to figure out what is wrong. 

So, sit down and have a chat (over a bottle of wine would be best). What are his fantasies? What are yours? Does he have any kinks which he’d like to explore? (be open minded and try not to freak out. Statically, men are more likely to have kinks than women so you have to be prepared for whatever he comes out with)

Ask him to buy lingerie FOR you. Sure, it’s not what you would pick out but if HE likes it then it will make you feel good too. 

Post # 12
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, that is such a cruel thing to say. Ask him why, then, he is making a commitment to have a monogamous relationship with a woman he’s not physically attracted to. Really, ask him to explain that to you.

You also mention that you don’t want to manufacture some porn version of yourself. Is he comparing you to women he sees in porn movies? Is he very into porn?

Post # 13
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

@abirdword:  I wondered this, as well. But then I realized the first post might have given the others courage to come forward and seek advice/support (which is a great thing from such sad situations). 

@Everdeen:  I think that’s great advice. I think getting on the same page about this is key.

Post # 14
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I have to agree with most of the other bees comments on this one. YOU are gorgeous and healthy and if he is ‘unattracted’ to all of the wonderfulness that is you…. maybe he is not the right guy. The right guy shouldn’t care if you are covered in mud, or puking from morning sickness or your hair is all scruffed up and you have just woken up! You should feel (and he should too) a sense of security and deep trust– that each of you loves each other on the inside and outside for always!

Trying to loose heaps of weight in a hurry is never good (it is hard to keep off) and how far can one go– shaving and wearing sexy stuff? Will it never end– will you have to go to further and further extremes to keep him happy? I think a real man doesn’t care about the shaving and the lingerie and would want to get down with you just as you are because you are a sexy, flesh and blood real woman– that should never get old/boring!

Part of me also feels like maybe, just maybe he is saying this because the wedding is coming near and is scared/insecure about it. Like all that he hears and sees and other guys might say about thier marriages and sex lives might be freaking him out…..? BUT he has still acted like a jerk about it– he could have just talked to you about things. But then again, not all guys find talking about thier feelings easy.

But I just want to tell you advice I recieved from a great woman i know– NEVER PUT UP WITH SHIT. Simple words but I never forget them. Don’t let yourself get walked over!  You don’t have to do everything to please him (giving men everything they want is not good for them– it makes them spoilt and lazy i think) You are beautiful just as you are and there are nice guys out there who will love you and appreciate all you have to offer.

Post # 15
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree this is a big red flag and it’s got nothing to do with what you are doing or arent doing or how much you weigh….this is all him.

Post # 16
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would also treat this as a huge red flag.  Most women gain weight as they age, and even if they don’t, the weight distribution changes so they have less “perfect” figures.  If he’s already saying he’s not attracted to you just because you are very slightly overweight, you’re going to have huge problems when you are older.  If you want a marriage “until death do you part,” this is not the guy to have it with.

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