(Closed) he's not attracted to me

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

+++10000 

Also I’ve see your dress pic and your gorgeous! 

Post # 18
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

it’s not your JOB to be his idea of beautiful – your responsibility is to yourself: to feel confident, happy and to be healthy. if you are all of those things – then he needs to take a serious look at HIMSELF and explore why he feels it’s your job to look a certain way for him. 

he should love you BECAUSE you are happy, healthy and confident and because there are 193075846 other amazing things about you. 

if you were seriously overweight or had a serious health issue, it might be different. but it’s not. and what about the future? you may gain weight when you have children, and as you get older – is he always going to be there holding a photo from 2010 telling you that you ‘used to be 155 and i liked you much better then’?

Post # 19
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You are a knock-out!!! I just went to the post where you found your wedding dress. What is he thinking??? It just shocks me that someone can be so cruel. This isn’t someone, this is your fiance that you’re marrying in two months. I’m so sorry I don’t know how your marriage is going to work out?

Your fiance is supposed to love you no matter what you look like. Don’t turn yourself into a pornstar if that’s not who you are. Be yourself; there is NOTHING wrong with who you are.

Post # 20
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

@elletiger:  Do you remember a thread a while back where people voted on a scale of 1-10 how attractive is your SO to you.

Now a lot of people did put 7/8/9/10, BUT a lot DID put 1/2/3/4.

I do not think you are unattractive – your profile picture definitely is proof of that. But I just wanted to point out that there are people who have healthy relationships even when they don’t think their wife/husband is the sexiest beast on the planet.

I have terrible skin. Like, my face is constantly red. It’s so embarrassing and I feel awful waking up next to him in the morning with a stupid red face. I’m not wearing make up at the moment to help it, but it’s pretty hard to put on cute clothes when my face looks like this. I’ve spoken to my Fiance about it and he says that generally when he looks at me, he doesn’t really notice it. But he can tell the minute I put on make-up and dress nice, and he’s much more attracted to me then. And I feel more attractive then.

It’s a horrible cycle of feeling crappy, and so wearing crappy clothes (including spending a lot of my time in my PJs… I need to stop doing that).

I guess the thing is, do you WANT to be attractive for him? He obviously loves you and it’s not a dealbreaker for him. So if you are happy with yourself and how you are, and are not worried about him finding you mega attractive, then that’s ok! But if it’s important to you to look good for him, then maybe you can explore things? Do you have an interest in fashion? Are you wearing the right size clothing? (ie not too tight but not so big that your shape is hidden). What clothes would he like to see you wearing? My Fiance LOVES going shopping with me and picking out outfits. He convinced me to buy a pair of green jeans and I’m in love with them – he did good!

So in summary – I think it’s only a dealbraker for you if you want it to be. It isn’t for him – so I wouldn’t worry about him going off with someone else a few years down the line, which I think is what a lot of people assume is THE ONLY outcome from something like this.

*hugs*

Post # 21
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

@elletiger: 

In my experience (I don’t know if this is the norm), even if I didn’t find the person physically attractive when I first met them, after falling in love with them their traits became things that I loved (hairy chest, big nose, slightly overweight becoming ‘cuddly’).

I also have a less than attractive obese friend whose happy husband calls her ‘beautiful’ on facebook and I knew he really thinks she is.

So assuming this is true your fiance either isn’t in love with you (I’m going to assume that he is), so this would mean that he made the comment to be cruel, because he’s freaking out about your imminent wedding or he doesn’t really think so and has some underlying reason.

I don’t think this is a dealbreaker, but a drank discussion with your partner is definitely in order. Do not lose weight for him if you don’t feel overweight.. you’ll just resent him. As long as you’re healthy (and you do seem to be so) there’s need to change yourself for him.

Post # 22
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

I would sit down with him and have an honest talk.  Try to stay calm and rational; no tears.  Ask him if he truly doesn’t find you attractive, or if there is something else he needs to talk about.  Is he dissatisfied with your sex life?  I agree with the poster who said that a good sex life needs constant work and communication.  is there something else?  Is he getting cold feet?

I really can’t imagine that this is just about your looks, because quite frankly you’re beautiful even by “conventional” standards – no, you’re not a size zero, but then I’m sure he’s not “perfect” either..this is why I’m thinking there is something else going on.

If there isn’t, I would have a hard time staying in this relationship without some honest, freely given support from him.  You NEED to feel that he’s got your back and loves you no matter what, and that includes telling you you look nice, supporting you if you have a bad day/someone insulted your appearance, etc.  

<hugs>  Good luck sweetie  🙂

Post # 23
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Miss Jackrabbit:  What you are saying is so correct. The only thing that would worry me is the context at which around he said that to her. But I guess we won’t know until OP responds.

Post # 24
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I want to know how this came up in a discussion – if you were talking about your lack of intimacy lately, and he mentioned that you’ve gained weight lately and he’s less attracted, that’s fair.  Would you rather have had him lie to you and have the problem continue?  Now if this was in an argument and he threw the “I don’t find you attractive” line, that’s BS and an incredibly low blow.

I love my fiance, but I can tell you right now if he gained serious weight (not like 5-10lbs, but went into obese territory), I would not be attracted to him.  I’d still love him and work with him to get healthy, but I don’t think I could happily sleep with him.  I’ve dated big boys before and it’s just not my thing.  And yes, we tell each other when we’ve gained a few (we’re both stress carb eaters).  It keeps us both on track and we encourage each other to maintain a healthy lifestyle. 

Post # 25
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think if he really and truly loves you he should feel physical attraction even if you were fat (which IMO you are not).  To me this would be a big red flag in the relationship.

 

Post # 26
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry. I haven’t read too many responses so I have no idea if I’m offering a new thought but in the beginning of our relationship, I had something similiar so I wanted to share what happened:

 

When Fiance & I met, I thought he was cute/handsome & I loved to talk to him. Loved it. 🙂 But he wasn’t my typical “type”. The same went for me!! He too thought I was pretty & loved to talk to me but I wasn’t his “typical” type. He had always dated extremely skinny blondes. I’m a curvy brunette! 

There was def something between us. For sure. Incredible, easy energy. But WE BOTH had a weird time accepting it. Him more than me. He admitted this to me early on… He was attracted to me but not in the same exact way as previous women. I freaked. We had many long convos & after a few months we realized it was more emotional attraction + physical than just physical on its own, waiting for emotional to come. He shared he felt safe & free with me to be himself. Never had that before. Same for me too. And yes… The sex was hot. Awkward at first but it quickly became hot. 

 

I wonder if your Fiance is going through this? Sometimes it can be confusing when you love someone & want to be with them but your physical attraction feels different than past partners. My Fiance realized he was trying to compare this great current attraction to all those before me. Because he couldn’t find a memory to “match” he immediately thought something was wrong. Buit there wasn’t! We learned we were building intimacy which neither of us had before. Lol

 

I do strongly suggest you go see a counselor TOGETHER Since its so close to wedding. I  have no idea if this is what’s happening but I think it’s worth it to find out. We are taught to believe during the period before marriage (engagement) is easy & utterly romantic. It’s not. It’s a time to accept… A lot. And everyone’s experience is different. This is not to say we aren’t happy or excited. It’s just that there is sooooo much to deal with…it’s a huge change. Men freak out too. He could be going through his own thing & its totally not coming out right. When my Fiance is flustered none of his words make sense. 

 

Ultimately, I lost a bit of weight. A teeny amount. I had wanted to loooong before him so it wasn’t a huge deal to actually do it. He noticed & appreciated it. I have no idea if I’ve kept it off but since then he can’t keep off me. 🙂 He always tells me how sexy I am & if we don’t have sex….it’s me. Not him. And we look back on that time & giggle a bit. I guess I just want to tell you all isn’t lost. And whatever advice others give to you maybe is good for them but not for you, you know? There are MANY different paths to the same destination. 

 

PM me if you like. Best to you!

Post # 27
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MariContrary:  Great viewpoint. Excellent advice. Fiance & I are the same & have had tts “if I get too fat” talks. 

I cannot reasonably expect if I’m obese for my Fiance to be with me sexually if that’s not how I looked when we met. Others may not agree but it’s how I feel. 

Post # 28
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

@Jennlee:  I’m sorry but I disagree. If Fiance got obese, I would not be attracted to him. I’d love him, but I wouldn’t be attracted to him. If he started smoking, it would massively turn me off. Love doesn’t = attraction just like attraction doesn’t = love.

Post # 29
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@elletiger:  Be honest with yourself.  Was this a “I just don’t find you attractive” talk, or was it a “I would be more attracted to you if you put more time and effort into your looks” talk?  My hunch is that it’s the latter.  

I have a good friend who is going through this right now with his girlfriend, so I’ve seen the other side and I understand how much it hurts.  He’s an attractive guy, very well dressed, likes to eat right and exercise, and is talented and adventerous in bed.  (I slept with him a few years ago).  His girlfriend on the other hand wears mom jeans, plain mom-type underwear, doesn’t do much with her hair, never wears makeup, and wears print t-shirts more appropriate for a 12 year old.  She isn’t fat, but her body type is awkward and she could stand to lose some weight.  He has a hard time being attracted to her, though he does love her more than anything else in the world and would do anything for her.  But it also really hurts him that he tries so hard to look good for her and be someone that she can want and be proud of and she doesn’t give him the same effort.  He feels very guilty that he doesn’t find her attractive and he’s been thinking about how he can sit her down and have this conversation delicately.  

If you love him and care about him it might be worth it to try and dress up for him. A little effort goes a long way and might make him feel appreciated and like he’s worth trying to look good for.  Always being frumpy and dressed down can make a man feel like you take him for granted.

I’m not sure why a lot of the girls here are saying that he should be attracted to you no matter what.  That’s just not true.  He should love her unconditionally, but he can’t help attraction, and she isn’t entitled to it even if she does nothing to be attractive.  

Post # 30
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Get rid of him.

Sorry for the bluntness, but it’s true. Get. rid. of. him. Love yourself for who you are, and never settle for someone who doesn’t love you exactly as you are. 

Post # 31
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@BuBuBubbles:  No offense to your friend, but I am guessing that his girlfriend didn’t just suddenly start wearing mom jeans and looking awkward. Was your friend attracted to this girl from the very beginning and something changed recently (i.e. she used to be fit, dress better, and wear make-up and just now entered plain Jane territory?) or has he always not been attracted? I just don’t understand why guys pursue relationships with women they are not attracted to unless they want to give off the appearance of being settled (politicians do this as an example) and usually end up having affairs.

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