(Closed) he's not attracted to me

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@elletiger:  Attraction shouldn’t be solely based on how someone looks. I love my Fiance and am attracted to him as a person, now how he looks. Even if he gained weight, lost his hair, or had anything else happen to him, I would still love him and be attracted to him. Your Fiance should make you feel the same way!

I am so sorry he said that to you. He should keep in mind beauty fades so a connection needs to be based on so much more than that. Please don’t change yourself for anyone. He should love you – and be attracted to you – for YOU, as you are.

Post # 48
1847 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@elletiger:  I’m 5’6″ and over 270 lbs. (I haven’t weighed myself in a while.) It’s not my usual weight, but Fiance has never ever made a comment and when I get down about it, he tells me that I’m delusional.

Your guy is delusional. Your height and weight are appropriate! I would really, really think about marrying this guy. What if you have a baby and can’t lose that weight so easily? What if you end up with a tough medical condition? If he’s judgy now…

I’m not saying leave. Have a frank talk with him. Do it now before it may affect your self-esteem permanently.

Post # 49
855 posts
Busy bee

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@elletiger:  You asked him if there was anything he’d change about the relationship – may I ask WHY you asked him that? Is there anything YOU would change?

He hasn’t said it in a spiteful way – he was being honest. And you did ask him that question… it’s not like he just said “hey, we need to talk – you’re getting fat, wear shit clothes, and I don’t like it”.

Girls are always telling guys that they need to be honest about everything, but tend to hate the honest answers they get.

I was a stone (14lbs) lighter than I am now when I met my Fiance. Did he prefer it? Absolutely. But I was also ill (coeliac’s) and there is no way I could get to that weight down to that now. A couple of years ago, I was a stone heavier than I am now – and he told me. It sucked at first, but I realised that I needed to make more of an effort with him (again, like not wearing PJs). But in all that time – lighter, heavier – I’ve never felt like it’s been a major factor in our relationship. I still trust him around stunning girls because if he wanted them, he’d leave me and go get them.

He loves you. You don’t have to change. He’s thinking these things but he still wants to marry you – if anything I would say that he’s definitely a good guy. People can’t help how the think/feel about things, but they can help their own actions. And marrying you is a pretty damn good action.

Post # 50
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

No sweat you are beautiful and just fine from what i see, lose weight, yoga etc only if YOU want to!


Post # 51
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is so tough. I think the real problem here may have nothing to do with weight.

So, backstory: my Fiance once bumblingly told me something which I found appalling — he was looking at a photo of some models and said, “That kind of build is so beautiful, don’t you think?” Now, I’m not overweight but I’m not skinny, and my frame is such that I never will be. I’ve got wide birthin’ hips, let’s just say! LOL. And my Fiance, before me, had dated someone who, by virtue of her frame and genetics, is tiny, tiny, tiny – like a model. SO, I was NOT pleased, and let him know how it damaged my confidence. He was horrified at the fact that he’d made a comment like that. Anyway, one day, as a follow=up no doubt, many months later, he said to me, awkwardly, that his taste in female beauty had changed – that now he found his eyes catching on women built like me. This time, my BFF was appalled but I found it kind of sweet. I knew what he was saying, and it rings true with my guy friends’ remarks — that when you find someone you love, your tastes change; THAT person, your beloved, becomes your new ideal of beauty.

Don’t get me wrong, my Fiance never should have told me a) that he found MODELS’ bodies attractive (I mean, DUH) or b) that he was looking at any other women! But his intentions were pure (I say this because both remarks are memorable precisely BECAUSE he has never ever hurt my feelings in any other way) and I got over it pretty easily BECAUSE he is constantly telling me, and showing me, how attractive he finds me.

Your Fiance said something to you that hurt. That’s human, we make mistakes. But it sounds like that comment comes in the context of a relationship that, more broadly, makes you disposed to insecurity – about yourself, and his feelings for you.

I guess what I’m saying is: consider his remark, and your own reaction to it, to be reason to give SERIOUS THOUGHT to whether you feel loved and prized and valued and cherished in this relationship, overall. If you do, then his remark about your weight is something you should be able to talk about with him – how it made you feel, how it makes you fear for the future (because age and pregnancy, if you want ot have a kid, brings a new set of challenges to weight maintenance).

But if his comment hits on insecurities you ALREADY had in the context of the relationship, then I’m going to agree with some of the other comments above: it could be a real sign that he is not the guy for you.

I know that’s a hard thing to even consider, two months before the wedding. But you owe it to yourself to consider it, if this isn’t the first, or second, or even the fifth time he has made you feel judged and found wanting.

Post # 53
855 posts
Busy bee

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@elletiger:  No worries 🙂 It’s easy for people to say “red flag, leave him” but having been there, done that, we’re much better at the other side of it. It’s easy to get comfortable in relationships, but maybe this is a new chapter for you guys and you’re able to talk to one another about the things that are bothing you both. THAT is what makes a really strong and successful relationship xx

Post # 54
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Miss Jackrabbit:  You have given fantastic advice here! 


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@elletiger:  It’s hard to hear the answers to the questions we ask. You asked that question for a reason and he gave you an honest, gentle, but hard to hear answer. 

BUT remember what the answer actually was: I wish there was more sexual attraction. Which, to me, might be better phrased as: I wish there was more sexual fire, I wish we put more effort in. 

Perhaps think back over the last few months and think about how often you have dressed up. Most likely he isn’t asking you to be Miss USA 24/7 but to not be completely comfy all the time. 

I LOVE to wear makeup and dress nicely, but sometimes with uni stress, not feeling well, I get into a rut where I become a bit…sloppy. My boyfriend will let this pass but if it goes on for too long he will pull me up about it. I appreciate this even when it’s hard to hear. It helps me get back into dressing the way I actually like to dress, even though it takes more effort. 

I would definitely say that it might help to take him shopping to help pick out a few things he would like to see you in (perhaps give him colour/style guidelines [must have straps etc], so that he doesn’t just pick all boob tubes or something). I love to wear clothes my boyfriend picks out because when I do, it makes us both feel good.

Also, remember that his friends only look like Miss USA when you see them, I’m sure they stay in their PJs all day too when at home.

You want him to be honest with you in the future, so make sure he knows that, even though it hurt to hear, you appreciate that he was open with you.

And if you need to spice things up a bit, be sure to tell him what you’d like him to do as well. This goes both ways!  


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