(Closed) He’s not christian

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

As an athiest engaged to be married to a Christian (and whose best friend is a fundamentalist Christian), I would encourage you to take a step back. While I feel that religion shouldn’t be something that comes between a couple because it should be something personal & not necessarily shared, I know that it does often become a wedge.

I would sit down with him & have a discussion about your expectations for the marriage & future life in general (ex. will he be OK with getting married in a church?, will he ever be comfortable going to church with you?, is he just questioning his faith or is he atheistic?, how will you two raise any future children? will YOU be comfortable not being able to share in your faith with him?, do you share the same basic morals/beliefs?, will you expect him/want him to convert?, etc.). Yes, it might seem a bit “much”, but if you want to go any further with him you need to figure this out NOW.

FWIW, my FH is perfectly okay with keeping his faith private. We are having a completely secular ceremony (though he is welcome to reference God in his vows if he wishes), and we plan to raise our children as “freethinkers” (meaning that we will teach them about ALL faiths/religions/belief systems, from Hinduism to Shintoism/Buddhism to Paganism to Christianity/Islam/Judaism to Atheism/Humansim, teach them to think critically about the world around them, and let them decide what they believe themselves). I know there are other athiests/agnostics on this site who married religious partners and are agreeing to raise their children in their partner’s religion, so it can be done. But you need to decide what’s right for YOU & YOUR FH.

Post # 4
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you should think more about what your expectations are for him (in regard to faith).  The Bible is pretty clear about unequally yolked partners.

Post # 4
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just as you want him to accept your faith you need to accept his, even if it is a lack of faith. You don’t say if he’s simply not religious or is another religion (I have to say for instance that while I’m pretty agnostic, I come from a Jewish background and would feel very very uncomfortable going to a church) but I think you need to have mutual respect for each other’s faiths for things to work. That being said, it is very difficult to have different beliefs, especially as things progress to having kids and such — how to raise them, etc. I think you have some very important conversations in front of you…

Post # 4
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My Darling Husband is Catholic, I am atheist.   I doubt I will ever become Catholic, but will go to church with him at Christmas or during special events. 

I respect his religion, he goes regularly and teaches confirmation classes.  He respects my beliefs (or there lack of) and never pressures me to join him.

I think that it sounds like you are really rigid in your belief that both partners need to go.  If you are not accepting of his spirituality, it really may not work.

Post # 5
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Jenniphyr’s advice is spot on.  Now’s the time to be clear about what to expect from each other re: this issue.

Post # 6
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

You were expecting him to go with you on a regular basis or you were expecting him to join you this once?

I am a Christian in a relationship with an Atheist. If I wanted to try out a new church but was scared to go alone he would come with me. Not to worship, not to change his mind, just to give me a hand to hold on to when I was nervous.

Asking them to go with you on a regular basis though, I personally think might be too much.

Post # 7
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Also, RE: the issue of him going to church with you:

Personally, I am comfortable enough with my lack of faith to “put up & shut up” occasionally and attend services with my FH. However, I will not do it on a regular basis.

If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is still trying to “figure out” where he stands, perhaps he does not want to be unduly influenced one way or another by a church. Just to give you some perspective, he might view this as you trying to “pressure” or “sway” him into/towards being a Christian.

Perhaps if you want to try out this church you could enlist a friend to go with one weekend? When/if your FH is ready, he will join you of his own accord.

Post # 8
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

The bible does say Be ye not unequally yolked with non-believers.  I’m not saying that it can’t/won’t work.  and I’m DEFINITELY NOT saying that you should leave him.  I don’t feel that religion by itself should be a reason not to be with someone.  I do think that it would be easier to be with someone who shares your belief system whatever it would be.  Especially if you are considering marriage.  If you have children how will they be raised and will your fundamental differences in how you believe cause arguements about what to teach them.  Those are just things to think about.  I do however find it even more troublesome that he wouldn’t want  to comfort/support you if you were feeling nervous.

Post # 9
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@Jenniphyr:  Agreed.

To some it is a deal breaker and others have successful relationships despite differences in their religious beliefs. Again, it all depends on the couple and their lines of communication and what they expect.

For me personally it would be a deal breaker. When I first started dating my Fiance six years ago I had realized I was getting to the point where I would be meeting my potential future husband. While some may call it gutsy I told my Fiance in the first few months of dating what my desires were in a spouse when it came to religion. While I don’t expect my husband to necessarily accept the same beliefs as me I do expect a certain level of support and understanding when it comes to what I believe, including raising my future children with those same beliefs.

To some that is ridiculous and there are others that would want more. For us it works and we communicated from the beginning what the expectations were. He was more than happy to support me and thankfully so.

Post # 11
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@dandelion83:  To me, being a Christian isn’t about how many times you go to church, but what your relationship is like with Jesus.  If your expectations for your spouse are that he have similar values – I think you should define what those are (if you haven’t already) and then talk to him about it.  Since you say what threw you is that he said no – have you had a chance to ask him why he said no?  Maybe he’s feeling pressured to conform to a particular belief structure he’s not ultimately comfortable with??

Also – I think the whole point about being equally yoked is so that one side of the team (the ox team, in the yoke illustration) isn’t trying to pull one of the pair in a direction the other really doesn’t want to go.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that the one that has the faith will get pulled away from their faith – it could also mean the one that doesn’t want to get pulled towards the faith doesn’t really want to be pulled towards it.

Post # 12
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@oracle:  agreed!

@dandelion83:  My ex-husband wasn’t a believer and was fine with me doing whatever I wanted as long as it did not impose on him… ie. The type of environment I wanted for our son, things I was okay/not okay doing, etc. Ultimately we divorced (for MANY reasons)

After that I became pretty solid in the type of relationship I wanted with Jesus and what that meant for every aspect of my life.

The thing about the unequally yoked thing is: God created a marriage not just for our benefit/desire BUT for the benefit of us being able to fulfill the plan he has for us. As a spouse we are to encourage and build and grow each other in God’s word so that we can stay in step with God’s plan. Obviously this takes having the same worldview and same foundation in values… because it’s just not possible to understand those things if you do not hold them for yourself. If a person doesn’t know God’s word then how can they help someone grow in it… or if they don’t know God’s principles how can they help someone stay in line with them… and if they don’t understand sacfricing for God’s plan then how could they ever understand you possibly leaving a job, or raising your kids a certain way, or even moving where you feel God has called you?

It can “work” BUT it can never be what God wanted for it… that exceedingly abudantly above all you could hope, think, or imagine, b/c it will always be limited by the inability to understand.

I would take a step back from your SO and spend some intimate time with God… maybe a fast & do some research on God’s plan for relationships & marriage. And then see what your next step should be.

Post # 13
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The Bible speaks pretty clearly about being unequally yolked so for me it would be a deal breaker. The relationship you have with God is far more precious and worth pursuing than any relationship you can have with a man. I’m not saying that you and your SO aren’t meant to be together necessarily but I definitely think that before considering marriage you need to work on your God relationship first. If that means going to church without your SO, do it. I’m a firm believer in Matthew 6:33…Seek God first and all these things will be given to you.  Smile

 

Post # 14
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I hope I word this correctly:

Curious is one thing, but attending church or asked to participate in anything religous is something different, and is a very touchy subject. I’ll ask questions because I want to know, not because I have any intention of taking up faith in anyway and I personally begin to resent those who suggest it to me.

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