“He’s not good enough”

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

From what you’ve read, it sounds like they don’t know what they are talking about. If you and he are happy together and you treat each other well, who cares what they think?

Post # 4
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You need to be VERY firm with anyone who says these things that you are very happy, and that no one would be saying anything if the situation was reversed and you simply will not tolerate anyone talking about him or your relationship that way.

Post # 5
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I can’t stand when people do this.  I could understand if he was abusive and there was a legitimate concern for your safety/well being, but by the sounds of your post, it sounds like the both of you will enjoy a lifetime of happiness together!!

Post # 6
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That’s awful.  You just tell them he is MORE than good enough for you in all the ways that matter.

My husband left a prestigious PhD program after a long struggle with depression. He’s now in a good-but-entry-level position that doesn’t pay much (although it still pays almost twice what I make as a grad student!). We met in the program, and I’m still on track to finish.  It was hard on everyone when he left, and the status thing was, unfortunately, part of that. I’m lucky that no one told me to my face that they didn’t think he was good enough for me, but when he was unemployed for a year before finding this job, I know they were worried. It makes you feel like crap.

As long as you two have a plan for managing your careers, finances, and general contributions to the marriage/family, you’ll be just fine.  Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

Post # 8
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@aip: That’s really obnoxious of him. I would be tempted to say, “So you’d rather see me rich and miserable than middle-class and happy?” But that probably wouldn’t be very constructive. 🙂  Next time, say, “Dad, I am _ years old. I have dated enough to know that the man I am marrying is the one I want to spend every day with.  We are both responsible enough to handle our finances. The next time you bring this up, I am hanging up the phone/leaving the room.”

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am the “artist” in our relationship. My husband is what they call the “breadwinner”. (Especially now since I had to leave my job and am currenly searching again.) Do I consider myself “not good enough”? Never! I bring to the relationship what my husband dosen’t. He brings to the relationship what I don’t. That’s what’s called a partnership and it works better than, say, 2 workaholics who never see each other because they are never home. I dated a LOT. I have met people who have come from every rung of the ladder. I never once considered “that guy” or “this guy” based on their bank account. In fact, we are middle class. Bordering on the low end. And we couldn’t be happier. Sure, some days finances are stressful. But it’s always worked out. Always, because our love comes first. With love, you stick together and figure things out, always.

Your family should be head over heels for you that you have found a great guy who loves you and would do anything for you and is kind and creative. (What do they want? A dud who makes good money but bores you to death? A verbally abusive jerk who’s a doctor?).

How do you deal with it? Telling them once and for all “I am marrying the man I love and it hurts me that you say these things about him. But  even if you never think he’s good enough for me, I love him forever. So why not save your energy now and accept him and love him rather than spend forever trying to talk me out of it? Forever is a long time.”

Post # 10
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have a degree and Fiance does not. A few times in college, my friends told me that he was ‘not good enough’ and I could ‘do better’. Well, now I am marrying that person! They only commented on what they saw from the outside. I know that we get along better than any couple that I know, and that we have created a great life together. I no longer speak to those people because of how superficial and judgemental they were. The people that knew me very, very well knew that he was great for me and that this relationship was extremely different from all my others.

Who cares what he does for a living and what you do in comparision to each other? Do those friends know that stats now say that WOMEN earn 60% of the college degrees out there? It is no longer the absolute rule that women are the lesser-educated, lesser-paid sex. It is becoming more and more equal, and the way things are going, women will eventually pass men in this regard (in certain fields).

Sometimes what others think about you and what is best for you from an outside perspective is much different than what is good for you as a person. It sounds like these people do not know you as well as you might think. Just ignore them, do not let them plant the seed of doubt.

Post # 11
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Fiance and I come from very different backgrounds, but fortunately for me if anyone has a problem with it, no one has ever said anything to me.

It sounds like in all the ways that make a marriage work, your Fiance and you are perfectly suited to one another, and make each other very happy. I’m sorry you are encountering such negativity from your family, especially at a time when I’m sure you are very happy. I think you should talk to your family about this, and explain to them exactlly what you have told us: that your Fiance makes you feel loved, happy and complete. Money comes and goes, but the feelings you have for your Fiance won’t, and in the long run that is what will make your marriage last.

Hopefully, they will come around, but if they don’t, it sounds like you two willl prove them wrong anyway…..

Post # 12
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry your family is acting like this about it. And in a way, my perspective is that it’s mostly a kind of old-school gender-based load of crap. Like some other people have said on this thread, in my relationship, I’m the “low earner”– but like your fiance, all of this describes me perfectly: “He is very conservative with money as he doesn’t have much and pulls his weight financially just fine. He doesn’t live out of his means, but doesn’t judge how I spend money either. And he has never looked to me for a “free ride”.” I’ve actually been very wary that people may think that I’m a bit of a gold-digger due to our differences in income, but have been very lucky that no one has judged me like that (his best friend laughed in my face when I said I worried about that perception–in a friendly way!).

The only difference for us is that he has his bachelor’s from a state university and I have mine from a pretty fancy-pants private school and am getting my master’s. But I will probably never match his salary.

I’m trying to think of what I could say to help with the situation you’re in. I guess the only thing I’m turning up is, how well does your family know your fiance? He sounds like a very level-headed person and given that their perceptions seem to have less of an effect on him, I wonder if getting to know him and how great he is for you would do anything to make them back off with all of this negativity.

Post # 13
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

That’s almost disgusting to me….  he sounds like a wonderful man and the world needs more ART. 

I’d tell my friends and relatives to buzz off on this one.

Post # 14
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Honestly?  

He completes you.  He’s the adventure to your risk.  His frugal to your spending (no offense meant!)  

WHY does everyone think that money=love and worthiness?  If he inspires you and helps you to better/further yourself, then THAT is what makes him worthy of you.  

 

Post # 15
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

What exactly is good enough?

A man who earns the same as you, bores you to death because you have the same intelligence and interests and just doesn’t excite or complete you?

You know you will be happy with this man, your family/friends should be happy YOU are happy – regardless of who he is.

Tell them not to be concerned about you, you know what you are doing!

Post # 16
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

It’s awful that they are only looking at the financial aspect of your relationship and not the important parts. I hope that they will accept your decision and be able to be happy for you. 

What I would do is follow your heart–it sounds like you have an amazing guy who is responsible with his money, which is important no matter how much they make. If you can support yourself, that’s what’s important.

I would just respond to your family with “He is everything I want for a husband, I don’t want to spend my life with someone just so that they can pay the bills. I hope you can be supportive and happy for us because your opinions are important to me.”

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