- 7 years ago
I am writing this “undercover” for secrecy sake…
I am engaged to a wonderful man. The kindest, most honest and open man I have ever known. He treats me very well, we share a lot of things in common in terms of values and interests, and we just really enjoy each other. Over the last two years we have had little discord, no drama, and while not a fairytale just a very smooth and peaceful relationship. When we began seriously talking about marriage, I felt greatful that finally I had found someone that just fit. Without struggling, we just fit. He feels like home, if that makes sense.
So what’s the problem? Well, despite my friends and family being supportive of him/us for the last two years, when we announced the engagement they started to tell me of their “concerns”. Basically, we are very different in terms of our careers and education, and in several different ways I have been told now, by my brother, my parents, and a good friend, that he is “not good enough” to marry. I hate even writing this. I have a couple of advanced degrees. He has some college coursework. I am in academia, he is an independent artist. I make about 3 times his salary. We are very different in that regard, but I think of those things as incidental. He is more creative, fun, adventurous and I am risk averse and kind of boring. But I love those differences and they work. He is very conservative with money as he doesn’t have much and pulls his weight financially just fine. He doesn’t live out of his means, but doesn’t judge how I spend money either. And he has never looked to me for a “free ride”. We work just fine in this respect.He treats me well, he supports me emotionally and is always kind. He makes me laugh and loosen up. We have a lot of fun and I am comfortable with him. In a way that I have never been with someone else.
But now that we are engaged, there are people constantly telling me to think more carefully about it, that he was “ok for a boyfriend” but not for a husband. That he “can’t provide” and is “not good enough” for a husband.That we are too different and that overtime it will break down.
He has encountered their lack of enthusiasm about us getting married and though they have not expressed these sentiments to him, he knows what they think and is able to shrug it off. Though he did ask me early on in our relationship if he was “enough” for me. I told him he was more than I deserve, and I believe it to this day.
But all of the talking is hurting me, and also making me feel very dumb and/undermined. I would like to hear from anyone who has been in this kind of dynamic of different class/income/education in a relationship and did it really matter down the line? And if others were poking their noses in, how did you cope?
He is wonderful, he has treated me with more love and kindness than anyone. That matters to me more than degrees and money. I am not naive to think its always going to be simple but I don’t think it has to be a problem either.
Any thoughts? Thanks a lot.