(Closed) he’s not ready.. then talks about the save the dates.. then not ready.. ?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow I’m so sorry he is acting like that.  Why don’t you have any girl friends?  This isn’t because he has cut you off from your friends is it?  Some people are perfectly happy being together without being married but you need to decide if you are one of those people.

Post # 4
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Would you really never break up with him if he never proposed?

Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

sorry but he sounds controlling and immature.  if you bring up marriage again it wont be pretty?!?!?  wow…that’s insane to me.  like what you want doesn’t matter.  ugh…i feel for you.  i think you should do some soul searching to figure out what it is that YOU truly want and if he is not it then move on.  Why should you settle??

Post # 7
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you’re getting mixed messages from him, that is so hard! It sounds like youre doing everything you can to be both honest about your own feelings and empathetic to him, and to value the relationship and not threaten it…

It sounds like he is genuinely uncertain how he feels about getting married, and like he makes these seemingly “pro-marriage’ comments in moments when he feels comfortable with you and things are good…IMO, it is kind of a copout for him to blame YOU for pressuring him and thus causing him to say those things.

I think it’s good you’re posting, so you can talk and get the feelings/thoughts out of your system with many sympathetic listeners/readers, and at the same time let the wedding talk take a back seat between you and your SO for a little while…it might make it easier to “go with the flow” until he’s ready to think or talk about the topic again.

Post # 8
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This sounds like a stressful situation, honey!  I’m sorry:(

It sounds like you’re saying you do want marriage.  You want all the bling and fun stuff, sure, but it sounds like you really do want to have a commited relationship and all the deeper stuff that comes with the vows as well. 

He’s saying that he loves you but doesn’t want to commit in that way.  He wants to build a life together, but doesn’t want to make it official? Even though you have expressed to him that that is something you might desire for the two of you?  Something that might even be sort of important to you?  And now, he’s threatening to break up if you keep mentioning it?

I think you are definitely kind and compassionate to try to compromise, and just go with what has been working.  It might be helpful, though, to think about why he keeps saying he’s not comfortable with marriage.  If he wants you and loves you, why does he seem to have some animosity to making it official, making it public, and making what is his yours and vice versa? He may not just be a “marriage guy,” which, sure, marriage is a scary sounding thing with all the responsiblity that comes with it.  But if he truly loves you, it does seem odd that his aversion marriage remains, or at least runs hot and cold.  Because of this, it might not seem that this reaction does not reflect love and strong commitment to you. It is also disconcerting that he seems to flip flop between expressing commitment and expressing desire to break up.  This volatile back and forth might show that he’s simply not commited, possibly. Also, he seems to no longer want you to talk about your feelings in this area. 

I commend you for being so brave to talk about this!  This IS definitely a tough topic and I’m sure it’s hard to talk about.  I don’t mean to be a downer about this, and he very well just need more time to figure things out.  

You are not being too demanding for desiring marriage.  It is completely natural and healthy to want commitment with a wonderful man and to build a life together.  Marriage ties two people together in so many ways, financially, physically, etc etc.  it’s a beautiful and wonderful thing, even if the same ties can be achieved outside of marriage, I believe that it definitely has a special meaning between two people.  You might want to think about if you truly want to compromise that simply because he is not comfortable with the idea.  You deserve a great husband who wants to be married to you!! 

I understand, also, that you love him.  And it might not be so simple for you as to just break up because he doesn’t want all the same things.  And breaking up might not be the best thing.  Defintely keep talking to him about how you’re feeling.  And we’re all here to listen too! 

Post # 9
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This –

I’m not allowed to talk about marriage and he said if I ever do.. it won’t be pretty.  He admitted THAT was an ultimatum.

Is really messed up to me.  Why is it all about him? It sounds like you’re still figuring out what marriage means to you and whether you can/should be willing to forego it.  If you need to talk about it because it’s on your mind, you should be able to, or else the relationship you have is just not that healthy.  If I were you, I wouldn’t agree to the “terms” he’s offering.  How do they benefit you at all?  They don’t.  It sounds too much like “my way or the highway.”

Post # 10
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

This doesn’t sound good to me. I think you need to figure out what is best for you.  Would you be happy with a person who treats you like this?  It sounds to me that it’s all about him. You deserve better.

I’d find someone to talk to about this.  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you need to make it clear that HE cannot bring up anything related to a wedding unless he is serious. You need to make it clear that you are perfectly fine with not being engaged (which is what I thought you were saying) but that HE cannot put thoughts and ideas in your head. Tell him unless he’s ready to be serious about the idea of marriage YOUR not ready to discuss bands or STD ideas.

Post # 12
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with June, if he talks about weddings or getting married, then he can’t expect the same from you. You need to let him know that, and yea if you do talk about it it won’t be pretty? What’s up with that?

Post # 14
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

Thank you.

Remember the hive is always here for you:-)

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