Hes not ready yet

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

You don’t want to marry someone that isn’t sure. If he’s worth it, wait. If not, go.

Post # 4
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@mmccann13: If he doesn’t know, you still have some time to wait for him to mature, but that’s only if you’re willing to do so. For a man, 23 is mighty young, and he’s got some maturing to do still. Not to mention, establishing his place in a career, and getting a firm toe-hold in his industry (whatever it is).

If you are convinced he’s the one for you, go ahead and wait it out. BUT~ I’d be leery of him having said he isn’t so sure about you. You deserve someone who is sure they love you enough to start a family with you, and do anything for you. If he’s not certain, it isn’t fair for you to stick around and not be loved the way every woman should. Maybe consider moving out of the place you have with him? Whatever transpires would tell you if A) you were a person of convenience to keep his rent lower, or B) whether he loves and misses you enough to start thinking about making it official?

I know it’s a hard thing to think about, but it would definitely let you know where you stand. And the sooner you do it, the less time you’ll have wasted one way or the next.

Good luck to you.

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You’re both really young – i’m not surprised that he isn’t ready at 23. If you are ok with waiting, do. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want you – I think he is just literally not ready for marriage. Most guys aren’t at that age!

Post # 7
Member
40 posts
Newbee

My boyfriend is also 24, and we’ve been dating for almost 5 years. When I look around at the men our age, they might as well be in high school. Honestly. Mine still thinks promise rings are a big deal. Ugh. 

My advice would be to study his actions. Study how he treats you. Most men have a hard time articulating their feelings, and their actions are a better indicator of what their intentions are. 

Also…and I don’t recommend this to anyone and everyone…but I did go out with someone else. It did A LOT of damage, but at the same time, it shook him up, and even though he didn’t immediately run to the store and purchase a ring, he has worked a lot harder since then to prove to me that marriage is his ultimate goal for us. 

Post # 8
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

if he really is the one then all you can do is wait for him to be ready, alot of guys arent even thinking marriage at that age

Post # 9
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

How do you feel about living together and not being engaged? What about if you lived together for 4 more years without a proposal? Honestly, you both are young and if he isn’t sure you are the one- I wouldn’t be investing so much of myself into this relationship- so I agree with the advice that April_Mae gave.
Me thinks you should consider moving out and move in with someone who is sure you are the one (when the time is right of course). I personally can’t just be living with anyone because it is convenient. My fiance is the only man I have lived with because I see living together as a step that goes hand in hand with being engaged/getting married.

Post # 10
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t know, I have mixed feelings on this.  You guys are really young, and I think taking your time is not a bad thing.  But you said that he didn’t know if you are the “one” to me that is different from just not being ready to get married yet.  I’d talk to him more about it and see if he can explain what he means a little better.

Post # 11
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds like he has the power in the relationship right now. There’s a thing called push and pull…right now you’re all push…by living together you’re always there for him, always the one bringing marriage up, and always the one to talk about the future in the hopes of hearing what you want from him. These actions are pushing him away and causing him to feel that you’re overbearing when he’s not ready. If you instead do some pulling instead of pushing it’ll catch his attention and hopefully cause him to realize what he has and not want to loose it. Some pull tactics: Go out with your girl friends, have a blast without him, do not always be there with him, leave him hanging and don’t answer texts right away…these will cause him to A. See what a fun and independant woman you are, B. Miss you when you’re gone, and C. Cause him to want to keep you for himself. By pulling back you will regain the power you’ve been giving to him in your relationship…and maybe he’ll warm up to the idea of engagement and know you are the “one” sooner.

Worked with my guy, now Fiance. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

College is the new high school these days – I work on a campus and so many of the students seem closer to how I was at 16 than wht I’d think they should be at 22.  We’ve encouraged younger people, men especially, to remain in ‘college-party-free-mode’ much longer than soeciety used to, and it means men get the urge to marry closer to their 30w, or closer to when they see themselves near the age for kids.  This really sucks for ladies who start dating their SOs young, AND are close to them in age.  There’s a reason the majority of relationships have the man a few or several years older than the lady – it emans they are ready for amrraige and kids around the same time, usually.  Sigh. 

Only you can decide when enough is enough.  I’d make sure you let him know how you feel about marraige in general, that ti’s something you want in your life nd cannot see yourself forever happy without.  And then stop talking about it for a few months (give yourself a time in your head and be quit until then unless HE brings it up).  Guys feel nagged about this very easily, and get turned off by it, AND feel justified in feeling so because society allows them to – just watch any romantic comedy or sitcom – there’s at least one NPH type character who’s a forever ladies man – guys like to pretend they can all be that guy.

Gone are the days when an unmarried man was looked oddly at after 25 (people tended to think men were gay if not married, and that was just not cool back then), and unmarried men had relatively few options for sex – houses of ill repute where you could risk your reputation and health, or trying to convince a virtuous young lady out of her bloomers, which often ended up in ‘having’ to get married via shotgun after a while.

Men have it pretty easy theses day.  Liberated woemn will sleep with them, live with them and play house (cook, clean, wash and shop, while working and helping with bills, usually, too), and all they have to do is pretty much show up – not that most don’t contribute to the relationship, or we’d not stay wth them, but the pressure that used to help urge them onto marraige has been lessened for them, if not for women.  If nothing else, the ol’ biological clock starts ticking more loudly as 30 crests the horizon, and even ladies who’ve sworn not to want kids start thinking more about it as the deadline approaches.  

@Mrs.LilyLunaLove: has some good advice, along ith the other ladies on here  – let him have time to miss you – go home and visit your family now and then, alone.  Go out with GFs, not necesaarily bar hopping/clubbing, but go see a movie, and to dinner with a female friend, find something to do outside the home like volunteer some evenings or weekends.  Let him know your life doesn’t stand still for him, and if he’s waiting on you he’s backing up 😛

Waiting is hard as everyone on this board will attest.  Only you can tell when your breaking point has been met.  Communicate very clearly (come straight out and say it – guys REALLY don’t get hints) that you want to be married, and youo would like to be married before XX age/buying a house/having kids/moving to a new city or state, etc.  Pick some life-benchmarks before talking to him one last time (for a while) like signing that next lease, graduating grad school, getting your PhD, whatever makes sense for you guys and let him know, then try to be busy doing other things so waiting won’t be so much on your mind.

Post # 13
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am sure I am repeating advice but….

You are both young. For a man, early twenties is often just an extension of puberty. ( I am joking, but only just…)

If he is not sure you are the one, he is telling you he is in no way, shape or form considering marriage at this stage.

You do not want to marry a man who is not sure. So, you can stick around and see what transpires, or you can cut your losses. The choice is yours, but you will not be getting a ring anytime soon from the sounds of it.

 

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What I’m understanding here is not that he doesn’t know if he wants to get married he general; he’s unsure if you are the one.  That would drive me batshit crazy in your position and I would be very frustrated and hurt.  I would move out if I were you.  Give him space, become a little self-centered with hobbies and such, and move forward.  You could still date but I would absolutely move out and find my own place.  You’re giving him the experience of being married and he’s telling you he’s unsure.  Appreciate his honesty but man… see the forest AND the trees, you know?

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mmccann13:If he isn’t sure you are the one, I would move out. I wouldn’t be investing so much of my time into a guy that isn’t sure about me. I made that mistake in my twenties, and spent 3 years with a guy who was in his 30s and wasn’t sure about me. It is such a painful and frustrating thing to do. If you decide to continue the relationship, that’s up to you…but I wouldn’t be living with him.

Post # 16
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@sre411: I agree with that. Living with someone is investing so much of your time and energy into that one person! If he doesn’t know if you are the one… I would walk away while you can. You will find someone who isn’t sure of anything else BUT you!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors