(Closed) he's not UP for it … if you know what I mean – please help!

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

when i am tired, i still want sexytimes but i am too lazy for romantic bubble baths etc. quickie and cuddles until i’m asleep sounds like a great way to recover after a week away.

also, does anyone else hate baths then sex, i have really long hair and always end up freezing during!

 

Post # 4
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Darling Husband and I travel quite often sometimes together, sometimes separately, and IMO I don’t think you should take this too hard because traveling (especially driving for hours on end) is exhausting. It’s draining physically and mentally, and Darling Husband and I have a wonderful sex life as well, but we almost never feel like doing anything but just crashing after coming home from a trip. Maybe he’d be up for just sex when he comes home, and you can set something more romantic like the bubble bath up for him after he’s rested and more aware and into it? I don’t think there’s anything too strange about this and if you normally have a healthy sex life-then don’t worry on it.

Post # 5
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ms-valentine:  I ditto that lol. And the bed or floor always ends up soaking wet. not too ideal to do laundry afterwards too lol.

Post # 6
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

There’s this idea that men are just always ready to go and think about sex a ton. While that’s true for some guys, it’s not for others. Also, while females are on a 28 day (or about) cycle, men are on a 24 hour cycle. He may be tired. Stress can impact sex drive in anyone (for some people that means that when they’re stressed, it goes through the roof and in others in plummets). For my partner, when he’s tired, he’s TIRED and only wants to sleep. In December, when I got home after driving 10 hours, I wanted to cuddle a little but I also wanted food adn a beer! I hadn’t seen my partner in several days, and we have a rockin’ sex life, but I was also exhausted (mentally and physically – I’d just been at a conference). So anyway, i get being bummed (I probably would be a little bummed too) but it’s not you πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Posted below 

Post # 8
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

OP, I’m in almost the same situation as you right now. Fiance is away for a week on business and doesn’t get home til Friday night, so I understand anticipating sexy time. That being said, I’m sure your Fiance will really be exhausted (8 hour drive?! Sucks), and even though he loves you and wants your bod, sex will probably be the last thing he wants. I’ve been there, laying in bed looking at Fiance and wanting sex, but not actually physically wanting to do the work because I’m so tired! 

I’d give your Fiance a break on Friday, there will be plenty of time for fun the rest of the weekend. I’m sure with some sleep, he’ll be up for it!

Post # 9
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I have the same mentality as you…at least, I did.  Before my Darling Husband started med school last August, he was ALWAYS up for it…all over me, etc.  Never too tired, stressed, preoccupied.  So, it was a little bit of a blow the first time he was pulling 18-hour study days and so stressed and overwhelmed that he actually said “babe, I’ve got to finish this lecture, I can’t tonight”.  I was floored.  I thought, for sure, nothing could ever have preoccupied him so much that he wasn’t up for sex–he’s a guy, after all (just like your train of thought).

Not only have I learned that yes, men are also affected by exhaustion and stress, I’ve also learned that it’s not uncommon.  Granted, I am speaking specifically from discussions and comparisons of the sex lives of fellow med school/doctors wives.  It’s not uncommon for the spouses to be so burned out and tired and incredibly stressed out before huge exams or after long shifts, etc that they just don’t have it in them.  I wouldn’t take it too hard–although it is hard.  I had a few moments of worry the first few times.  But, it helps to know–and you should have the same thought–that he is working super hard, or in my DH’s case, trying to take in and understand MASSIVE amounts (and I do mean massive) of information.  If it were me, I would probably scratch his eyes out if he tried to have sex with me if I was under that much stress or had spent an entire block of 12-14 hours sitting in front of two computer monitors, two text books, and a 500-page syllabus of material.  Similarly, your Fiance has not only put in a busy week of work, away from home no less, but also an 8-hour drive.  Ah!! So, while it’s not to be worriesome (at least in my opinion) that he’s not feeling the romantic bubble bath thing–after all of the other energy he’s expended with work and travel the last thing he probably wants to do is be “on” for a romantic interlude, he probably just wants to turn his brain off entirely and get rested…also cut him some slack if he doesn’t want a quickie either.  He’s got to recharge as well.  At least, that’s how I think about it if I were in the other shoes! 

Post # 10
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@kikki_pie:  Lol bubble baths put me right to sleep!! I would skip the bath, but possibly try to initiate when he gets into bed. If he resists, don’t take it personally. An 8 hour drive is insane. Drives half that long tire me out when I’m just the passenger!!

Post # 11
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I wouldn’t worry–FI turnes down sex fairly regularly! I just have he higher drive!

Post # 13
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@kikki_pie:  Is ‘bubble bath’ code word for sexy time between you two? Maybe he’s thinking you really just mean bubble bath? Don’t take it personally.

Last year, I flew 10 hours back from holiday, feeling jetlagged, beyond exhausted, stupidly stayed up till 2am telling my SO all about my trip, when I finally did go to bed, I was asleep within minutes (dreaming of escalators, of all things). He accidentally-on-purpose woke me up and it was on! I’m sure your Fiance will find some energy! Just jump on him as soon as he walks through the door πŸ˜‰

Post # 15
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@kikki_pie:  awe πŸ™ well I’m glad you got some lovin when he got home, and while I still am sure he is very attracted to you and that this is just stress on his end-if you truly feel that he is consistently not meeting your needs, you should talk to him about it. However, you should also have realistic expectations too. When Fiance and I were still both in school a year ago with almost no real responsibilities, we had sex all day every day. Now, with two full time jobs, different hours, rent and bills to pay, life is good but a heck lot more stressful and tiring! We still do it anywhere from 3-10+ times a week, BUT it depends on the week and what’s going on with us. You should still be intimate with your partner without needing to have sex 24/7, and sometimes when life gets in the way, sex and romance is work! But if you’re both willing to work on it, I’m sure you can find a balance that’s right for both of you. 

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