(Closed) He’s pretty much only slept with friends

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Flings don’t necessarily mean they were always the best of friends and just decided to hook up one night. It could be that there was mututal attraction but neither wanted any sort of commitment. It may have been friends with benefits, but by the word fling it makes me think it was just a one or two time thing. I have friends that are able to stay friends with their past hookups and nothing is ever phased in their friendship with the person.

I know it’s easier said than done, but really, you need to move on from his past. He obviously has.

Post # 4
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LiliKitty:  I know it’s easier said than done, but really, you need to move on from his past. He obviously has.

Couldn’t agree more.

Post # 6
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just posted a similar thread although my Fiance and I have never gone into any details with each other about anything.  We both know we were each married before, of course.  But we don’t talk much about it.  And I don’t even like when either of us even mentions an ex briefly. 

But as far as relationships in the past, I agree with PP, just let it go and try to put it out of your mind.  Don’t let him talk to you any more about it, though.  Just tell him you don’t want or need to hear about the past, you just want to focus on your relationship NOW and live in the moment.

Post # 8
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@francis81:  You sound very young, do you mind telling your age?  I understand these things are difficult but at least he has explained.  Don’t make him feel bad about it any more because he can’t do anything to change it.  But he should respect your wishes from here on out and not bring it up again.  If he “slips” then gently remind him again that you would rather not hear about it.  It will get easier, hang in there!

Post # 9
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@ Op, can i ask how old you and your So are?

 

Post # 11
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@francis81:  Well, it sounds as though you have really found the right one this time.

And I’ll tell ya something that has occurred to me recently.  I sometimes think the level of depth of the passionate love tends to leave us, as women (probably men, too), feeling more open and vulnerable to feeling insecure.  Honestly, I’ve never been bothered before by feeling jealous or insecure or worried about anyone’s exes.  I wasn’t as “in love” as I am now.  Because I’m so madly in love right now with my Fiance it makes me feel a little more shaky in that way.  I wonder if those two things go hand in hand somehow?  Like – you love your new SO more than anyone else you’ve ever loved, so you are a little more vulnerable to these feelings right now?

I think – and hope – that with time these issues will resolve themselves.  My Fiance is very understanding and loving with me, as well, like your SO is with you.  He’s also very thoughtful of my feelings. 

If we just explain how we feel about them, and about these issues, without being accusatory, I think it really helps them to help us.

 

Post # 12
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

 francis81: they have counceling services in the military. I think you should go talk to them.

I totally understand the feeling insecure, I had an abusive ex. but you can’t let the scars and issues from the past effect your current relationship.  I was upfront and honest with my FI  and told him when i was having ” flashbacks” and it got better… but i was very careful not to let my issues spill over and ruin my relationship with fi.

Post # 13
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

ugh my SO has only slept with one girl, and it was his ex-gf’s best friend soon after he and his ex broke up. and they were at a party that I WAS AT.  i had suchhh a hard time getting over this.  when we first talked about our numbers, he told me one, and i just assumed it was the ex.  since i’ve slept with more, i just dropped it because i didn’t want to get into my details. LOL  but it came up sometime, and god…. i kept visualizing them, worrying about my friends, etc. but eventually i let it go. it still kind of makes me nauseus to think about, but he’s a good guy and i’ve definitely made some mistakes with the people i’ve slept with. haha

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