- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 2012
Before I start, I need to just point out that this is more of a blog post than a responsive post. I’m sure some will argue that I shouldn’t feel as close to a ring as I do and that is perfectly fine and I respect that but I’d also appreciate a little sensitivity also.
I don’t for one second doubt that my boyfriend, lover, best friend, soul mate is the one for me. It was pure fluke that I should have been out the night I met him- I was “off men” at the time and should have been at home that night but my friends begged me to come out, I really didn’t want to go but about 5 minutes before the cab was due to pick them up I decided to join then and I didn’t even bother dressing up, and I wasn’t drinking either. It was a classic case of lust at first sight, and just after 20 minutes of talking to the stranger that would be come my SO of 2 and a half years I KNEW I needed to see him again.
3 Amazing dates later I was forced to part from him for a 2 week girly Ibiza holiday and in that time it transpired that his ex fiance had heard about me on the grapevine and how much I’d knocked SO off his feet and she had suddenly decided she still loved him. I was still a relative stranger to my SO at the time so it would have been easy for him to be lured back to something that was once so secure and happy for him but he admitted at the time that while he was curious about why his ex had suddenly returned to his life he didn’t want to miss out on what we may become and politely declined her offer to rekindle their romance.
Over the next 2.5 years I was to find out that I’d met someone I could open up to fully, I was able to share my darkest fears, desires and dreams without him running to the hills. I told him about my relationship history that involved my childhood sweetheart (who I rekindled with in my early 20’s) the boy I grew up with during my late teens, who wasn’t the real “one” for me and all the others in between that were passing memories in my life. He wasn’t fazed by any of my stories and proved only that he was a man of strong words when he would simply claim that “their loss was his gain” or that they were simply mad to let me go.
Like most, when I was in any of the significant relationships of my life, at the time I thought, this was the most love I could ever feel for anyone. For my childhood sweetheart, he was the first one I kissed, we were the talk of the school and everyone thought it would last forever. Alas it was not to be and as puberty and hormones kicked in we went our seprate ways. I then met a boy I would stay with for about 5 years. We discovered effect of alcohol together, sexual chemistry and what can happen when you simply grow apart.
As I said before my childhood sweetheart reappeared in my life for a short while when I was studying and it was to that point the most magical, sensual time of my life. He understood me more than anyone had ever, and we were together for 2 years and amazingly our romance remained and still remains an untold secret from anyone who knew us at the time. It transpired that he was cheating on me with another girlfriend (who he now has a child with) and I would never take him back after the truth came out but I regardless of how we ended I know what I felt with him came from the heart.
Getting back to my current SO, he came into my life when I was perfectly happy just being me, on my own, enjoying life. I suppose you could say that typically he came along when I was least expecting it, but all the same, the feeling of being with him hit me like a bus!
I have been posting here for the last 9 months or so, as I realised that for the first time in my life that the guy I am with is someone I can see a future with. Someone that makes me feel something that no other man has ever made me feel. I can’t put my finger on it and I can’t explain it, all I can say is that it is undeniable and it is a pure as a loving relationship should be. The only thing that stands in our way from happily ever after is the blip in the road we seem to have hit.
He has got lazy. Lazy and comfortable with “us”. He no longer makes the effort to wine and dine me like he used to, he doesn’t do his share of the house chores is increasingly spending more time with his friends and social circles, which has taken over “us” time. Something that has crept up over the past few months has now become a daily struggle and while we still talk of the future, of marriage and children, I now find myself wondering if I can say “yes” to a commitment from someone that has started taking me for granted.
I’ve told him how I feel and have essencially asked for a “break” so that we can revaluate where we have gone wrong and why we have found ourselves in this rut. I know some think that “a break” is a one way street to a “break up” but I don’t believe this to be the case. I feel that this time apart will allow us to refocus on what it is that kept us together for the past 2 1/2 years and what we need to do to keep us together forever.
The past few days have been the first since I met him that I have not commuicated with him and already my heart is aching for contact, to see him and to confort him and tell him that all will be well, but I cannot. I must not, I need to remain strong and to remember why I have asked for this time apart and to realise that this time apart is essential if we are going to be able to go back to somewhere that we both feel cherished and loved undeniably.
Ironically I feel that we are so close to celebrating our relationship with “I Do” but I want to make sure we can do that without anything holding us back. This man is amazing, and loving and kind and I don’t want this to end. I just need a bit of time. I only hope that he understands that and that true love is enough.