(Closed) Hesitant about change in relationship once becoming parents?

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 16
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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el.mc.568:  I don’t think it’s selfish at all, but then again…I’m pretty much choosing not to have kids because of similar concerns. Kids will change your life, big time. I’m not sure I agree it’s always for the better. I get that once people are parents they say how they don’t regret it and it’s the best, etc. Who would really want to say their kid is somewhat of a regret? But I bet if some had the chance to do it over, they might. I’m pretty non-kid wanting, though my fiance has yet to make up his mind (he is a few years younger than me and doesn’t seem to want a kid for the right reason yet, ie: because he truly wants a kid – not just to pass on his good genes!), but neither of us seem very invested in the idea and honestly, I don’t really want to add that stress to our life now…or ever maybe. In the end, it’s what the two of you honestly want in your heart, and what you are BOTH willing to put into bringing a wee-lad or lass into the world. If your gut is tellin’ you to pop out some babies, listen to it. If you’re second guessing yourself, it might be wise to think just a bit more then. 

Post # 17
Member
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not going to lie, having a baby does change things. There will be times when you’re both exhausted and can’t really stand each other. Especially during the first few months. But eventually, the baby sleeps through the night and you find a new groove. DH and I spend our evenings together after DD goes to bed, just like we used to. We watch TV, play board games, occasionally even have sex. 😉 The only difference is I get tired earlier.

You can even still have your bonfires, just bring the baby monitor outside.

I definitely had a moment of panic when I first became a mom. I was sleep deprived and hormonal and I felt like things would never be like I was used to ever again. But it really does get better. There’s just an adjustment period.

Post # 18
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes thins will change but honestly (my dd is 5 months now) I don’t think as much changed as I expected. Now that dd goes to bed in her own room around 7, DH and I have plenty of our old alone time back. most of what we loved doing together before is amenable to doing with a baby. so, yes things change (mostly you have less time alone at the beginning especially) but you also gain something so awesome and the changes are not bad just different!!

Post # 19
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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el.mc.568:  I am not in your position (getting married in two weeks woot woot!) but I hopefully will be someday sooner or later! I think about this sometimes too. I have no idea what it will be like. 

My thought is that relationships are always changing, at some times more than others. For Fiance and I, we have been through so much, moving halfway across the country, going through grad school together, being long distance for 4 months. And yes, each time it changed. But it made our relationship interesting and stronger in the end. And I hope that the same will be true when our family changes and grows. Hope this helps! Just think about what you and Fiance have been through. At the very least, the whole wedding planning process changes things (I feel like we have to work harder to make time together right now). Not the same thing, but similar, and a way to gauge how you two do with change.  🙂

Post # 20
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I will be honest that this is one of the hardest things postpartum for me. DD is only 3 mos old so I know it will get better, but she takes so much time and energy that I hardly have any left for my husband. I felt so close to him throughout my pregnancy and after she came I was hit so hard by the stark change in our intimacy. Never mind sex (what’s that? Ha!), I hardly have the focus, energy, or brainpower for conversation at the end of the day. I often have to ask him to repeat himself because I zone out. And after having a baby on me most of the day, I don’t even really want to be touched… Unless it’s a massage; I am always down for a massage. I’m so taxed by baby bedtime (7 pm) that sex seems like an impossibility. I just want to zone out with no demands on me until we collapse at 9:30.

so, for me, it has been really tough. I miss our relationship and barely see him the days he works (13 hr hospital shifts). The days he’s home we are often trading off with baby so it’s like we are living in tandem rather than together. Our baby girl is rather high-needs and not an easy one, so I know it’s been worse for us than others. I just don’t want to sugar coat it for you. The loss of that easy social intimacy, never mind physical intimacy, has been really tough. In the early days, I couldn’t focus on him even when I tried. I can a bit better now – less of my brain is always on baby now that she is a bit more grown – so I have hopes it will continue to improve.

Post # 21
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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el.mc.568:  hey 🙂 Last weekend we did our marriage education course. They taught us all kinds of things and the course went for two days. One topic was having a baby and parenting. There was a questionnaire and one of the question was ‘ what changes after the birth of your first child? ‘ the three possible answers were: a. your relationship stays the same.. B. There is a warm glow for several months.. C. Marriage satisfaction drops.

Fiance and I were tossing us between answer A and B. The correct answer is C. Marriage satisfaction drops. We were pretty bummed about that.. However I guess in the beginning most new parents are tired and learning on the job which is stressful for anyone. 

That statistic made me worry because I thought Fiance would want to never TTC after learning that. I was wrong. That night when we got home he actually asked me if I wanted to start trying straight away. we are so excited!!

 

i guess it is important to remember that couples have babies all the time.. and they make it work. Relationships will always experiemce rough patches, with or without children. Marriage was never suppose to be easy lol 

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