Post # 1
Where to begin…
Some of you may have already read my previous post in which I mentioned the letter I wrote to my SO last week. In said letter I basically expressed my concerns/fears/desiire to be able to more openly discuss engagment/marriage. Like I said in my other post I didn’t want this to be a letter where he felt like he had to propose to me afterwards or anything we’ve just never really sat down and had a talk about it and I feel like we are on two different pages.
Long story shorter it’s been a week and nothing about anything on the letter. I saw just 2 days ago he put a reminder note in his phone about the letter (meaning he hasn’t even started and he’s reminding himself to start) and I am not sure what to do going forward. The point of the letter was to get us talking but I wanted him to have sometime getting comfortable before talking to me that night so I gave him the letter when he was on lunch break at work. He called me at the end of the day to tell me he “Read the letter and liked it” I was like yes, great we can finally openly discuss this together.
Fast forward to today. It’s been a week, we’ve had 0 conversations about a timeline/feelings/worries/etc. ANYTHING related to it. He told me to be patient because he was planning on writing a response. That’s fine. It sucks but I can do patient if I know the result will be worth it. If I honestly believed he had spent the last week really wanting to work on and write a nice response letter i’d be like hell yeah take a week that sounds effin romantic. But no it’s taking a week because he’s just procrastinating and it makes me feel like he’s putting everything before us. So now I want to say… something.
I don’t know if I should or should not in the first place because he did tell me to be patient
(go me! literally have not said one word about the letter or wedding/engagment and before I gave him the letter it had been months since we had the 2nd of our two extrememly vague i want to marry you someday, me too “conversations”)
however at the same time all I wanted the letter to do was help him with us starting “The Talk.” So what do you bees think? Keep mum and wait for my return letter and try from there to get more into the talk or should I say (non confrontationally of course) I did not expect this reponse to take a week and then explain what I had said above about feeling that our relationship and it’s progression is the last of his priorities or am I being too pushy? Maybe just causally hint at it to show I haven’t forgotten even though I’m sure he knows me well enough to know I haven’t forgotten for 1 second lol
Post # 3
I say keep mum. You don’t know, he could have the letter rough drafted or what not. Maybe his reminder is to remember to give it to you at that time. It’s only been a week. Give it a little more time. He might be having a hard time collecting his thoughs. Hang in there!
Post # 4
Can I ask why you decided to write a letter rather than talk about in person? Lot harder to blow someone off like this when they’re right in front of you… Of course, it’s not good that he’s blowing you off in the 1st place, but that’s another issue….
Post # 5
@Molly929: He and I live together so he can’t avoid me forever muahaha 😉 I gave him the letter because it is a big topic to discuss head on so I wanted to give him a little you know “warning” I guess. Like hey I’ve been thinking about this lately and we never discuss it so I’d like to and with it being in a letter he could read it on his own and have his own real reaction without me staring at him before collecting his thoughts and coming home to talk to me. Make sense lol? I was trying to give him a leg up or something be helpful to him cause I know guys don’ t like this stuff.
@Megan316: He uses the same computer (laptop) for work as he does at home and I use it as well randomly and I know there is no rough draft. He makes notes and reminders about everything. If he had started on it, there would be a least some evidence.
It’s not that I am upset/mad because I don’t have my letter yet. It’s more that I wanted to move forward and talk about this and now I have to wait for this response letter. But when we see each other everyday we’re laughing and being ourselves as if nothing is changing when I know for the both of us it has to be a huge pink elephant in the room. We’re not uncomfortable with each other at all so for this to be dragging itself out is torture. I’m not used to censoring myself around him. I just say what i’m thinking and he the same. We’re so similar and for this to be an unmentionable thing wigs me out.
The thing is maybe it’s NOT an unmentionable thing maybe he doesn’t care if I talk about it or maybe he doesn’t care if i show him an idea picture or two. That’s what I am getting at… I don’t KNOW. If we could jsut openly talk about it, I’d know. It’s just frustrating keeping silent I think the return letter will be lovely of course but I just wanted to talk to him and now I still feel like I can’t.
Post # 6
@raye9289: I see. Probably not how I would go about it but that makes sense. So now he HAS had a heads up and time to collect his thoughts…. why don’t you just talk to him about it?
Post # 7
I know it is hard but try to wait for the letter. I agree that it may not be that he is procrastinating – he may be thinking.
Post # 8
This isn’t letter material. He shouldn’t need a heads up. And even if you do write a letter, he shouldn’t need a week to respond to it. If it was important to him, he would have taken the time to read it within 24 hours of receiving it.
It’s time to take the bull by the horns, man up, and do it in person. Writing a letter comes across like it isn’t a big deal to you. Especially since you live together.
Post # 9
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I agree with waiting for the letter. I would want to say something because I’m an incredibly impatient person, but I don’t think it would work to your advantage in this case. Now, if it gets to a month and you haven’t heard anything, I would definitely confront him (casually).
If you need to talk about it, we’re here for you!
Post # 10
OP: Talk to him. He’s had plenty of time to think about what you wrote in your letter.
He may have trouble expressing himself in writing, so tell him you’re letting him off the hook with the “response letter,” and go ahead and have this conversation already. Then you’ll really know where his head is regarding whether or not he intends to propose any time soon.
Post # 11
@Sunfire: It was his idea to do the response letter! 🙁 haha He came home the day I gave it to him and this was our discussion.
Him: “Do you trust me?”
Me: (in my head: uhhhhhhhhhh duh did you read the letter? In it I say I trust you 1,000,000% *facepalm*) “Yes, Of course”
Him: “Then that’s all that needs to be said”
Me: (………………….) “………………………………..”
Him: Well it was going to be a surprise but I was planning on returning your letter
That leads me to where I am now. I do think it’s very sweet he wanted to return my letter but my point in writing the letter was to start talking. I expressed multiple times in the letter how not ever talking about it even though every family member talks about it is stressful for me. I think I am going to say something along the lines of “I love that you want to return my letter and the fact that you’re taking more than a week shows me that you are probably putting a lot of thought and time into it and really putting in the effort for a wonderful letter but it was my hope that the letter would’ve just started us talking and we’re still not and I still feel in the same place of worry and anxiety. If you still aren’t ready to talk that is fine but I just can’t keep waiting around anymore. If you feel you want me to wait for the letter that is okay and I will. I just am struggling here like I said. If we can both talk about it and you write your letter that would be wonderful. I don’t want your letter any eariler than you intended to give it to me. But as I stated in my letter I am struggling here and I need some response from you in this regard sooner rather than later.”
that way i’m putting it more on my issues than on seeming pissy he hasn’t given it to me yet does that seem a good option?
Post # 12
I think you will get a letter soon. I think he is taking his time in writing because he wants to make it a great letter for you and is probably wanting to write down exactly how he feels in a very special way. I don’t think he will be taking much more time to get it ready and give it to you. Just wait it out-a little bit longer. He may just surprise you with what he writes!
Post # 13
@creativeplannertobee: that’d be lovely if he’d actually started the letter. Which he hasn’t which is why I am so offput and wanting to just get things moving. I will not be avoided. 😛 We have been dating for 3 years, lived together for 2 of them and everyone else is talking about it in our families. I think I need to stop being so afraid of “pressuring” or “upsetting” him when I never ever bring it up (until now of course) and I adamantly repeat myself to him that there is NO pressure I just want to talk so I think I am just hindering myself. Looking back now I think I am a little justified in just wanting to talk already. All this hype and stepping around the issue just makes it harder to talk about because it puts pressure on me too. I don’t want to fuck this up (excuse me :D) so by him being so quiet I have no idea how to act around him in regards to wedding/engagment stuff. If we could just talk about it, and i mean have a real talk, i’d be fine with waiting (well not fine but i’d keep my mouth shut lmao) I just want to talk! haha
Post # 14
@raye9289: Yes, I think that sounds perfect. Maybe he has started on the letter and is working on it, but either way you can still talk. It will probably be a big relief to you. I’m not a patient person, at all, I’d be going nuts by now, lol.
((HUGS)) I hope it all goes well for you. Please keep us updated.
Post # 15
OP: I am so sorry things are going the way they are! You wanted to open up the lines of communication regarding your future together and instead of taking the queue and having a conversation, he’s instead going to respond in writing? It’s like exactly the opposite of what you were trying to accomplish. I think he might not know how to respond; maybe he doesn’t feel ready to have the “intentions” talk, which is why you’re not seeing a rough draft. I think if I were in your shoes and it had been a week, I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how I felt. Relationships come down to communication. You have to be able to talk about this subject openly and honestly as a couple. If he shuts it down, then you know he’s not ready to move forward to the next step of the relationship. My now Fiance and I moved in together after dating for a year and I started getting asked by family, friends, and co-workers when we were going to get engaged/married. I know the pressue you speak of! I felt it, too. And my man just wasn’t bringing it up at all. We had a frank talk one day where I asked him if it was on his “horizon” and he told me that it was, but it was still kind of a vague and open-ended conversation. I didn’t feel amazeballs when we finished talking but I also didn’t want to freak him out or make him feel pressured to pop the q. However, I realized a few days later that if I truly felt that he was the man I would marry, then I had to be honest in telling him how I felt and not do the whole “don’t want to pressure you or anything…but…” girl thing. So we talked about it again and I told him I honestly didn’t feel better after conversation #1 because he didn’t seem like he wanted to really talk about specifics. The 2nd chat went much better and I did feel like I got him to be more open about it and I certainly felt better. After that talk, we both felt comfortable talking about future marriage plans. Give your Boyfriend or Best Friend a little bit more time to come through on his promise of responding to you in a letter. If you start to feel upset or stressed because it’s been over a week, you should tell him straight out in person how you feel. I am wishing you the absolute best and hoping you guys are able to start talking about your future openly very. very soon. Keep us posted!
Post # 16
Hmm I would just slow down before you say anything. If I was you, yes I would be mad that he hadnt replied yet and would be upset about it. But he has said to you “do you trust me” and hinted that you need to wait. You are seeing signs of inaction, but maybe he is mulling it over in his head.
Why don’t you take some time this weekend to do something you want to do, without him, so you can get some space.