Post # 1
Hi, I’m new 🙂
Age 33, been with my bf (age 29) for two years. Still no proposal, and I’m worried about how fast time is ticking by. We don’t live together because he doesn’t see it as a commitment and I don’t want to just casually shack up with him if he has no plans to stay with me. I guess I feel like living with him would lock me into the relationship and then he could just sit there and waste my remaining fertile years by not proposing.
I don’t have time to waste on a relationship that’s going nowhere – I’m keenly aware that wasting too much time with my current bf will rule me out of moving on afterwards and finding someone else to have marriage and babies with, because I’ll be too old. But at the same time I want to give my bf a fair amount of time to propose and move things forward, because he is genuinely kind and trustworthy and amazing and I love him.
The only thing that’s pushing me away is the lack of commitment, and if I was a younger woman I’d probably wait around because I am happy being in a relationship with him. But at my age I keep thinking that if he isn’t going to marry me I need to move on within a reasonable time period, no matter how much I love him. But where do you draw the line between allowing your guy a reasonable time period to propose and waiting so long that you lose your chance to marry anyone?
Post # 3
Have you two had a conversation about marriage and a timeline?
Post # 4
Hello there, welcome to the beehive!
Well, I sure do see (and empathize) with your situation. There’s no easy answer….but you do have options.
First, I must ask, have you talked to him about it latley? Does he know that your wishes are to get married and have children? Has he given you any reasons as to why he hesistates to commit?
I agree, you should not move in with him, not at this point. I moved in with my boyfriend (now FI) when I was 25 and I really feel that although he loved me and wanted to marry me, that it drastically delayed marriage because once you move in, SOME men go into “there’s no rush” mode. I’m 30 now, and If I had to make the same choice, but at my age, I would not move in with a guy, not without a ring.
I think it’s time, (if you haven’t already) to make your feelings abundantly clear. There’s no shame in using the “M” word, and telling someone hey, this is what I want, I get the distinct feeling we may not want the same thing…and the clock is ticking. And I’m not talking about rushing the poor guy…but just ask him, if it’s not something he’s interested in, then that’s something you need to consider carefully. Don’t give him an ultimatum, but have an open conversation about both his fears and your fears.
If you still get nowhere, yes..I would consider moving on at some point. I don’t think it takes eons to decide you want to marry someone. Not at our age. Don’t give up on your dreams of marriage and kids.
Post # 5
@Lillianna: We don’t live together because he doesn’t see it as a commitment
That statement caught me a little offgaurd. Does your SO not feel as though he is in a committed relationship with you after 2 years? If that is the case, then I would’ve probably left a long time ago. I can understand him not wanting to rush into a marriage, but making a commitment to someone after that long is another story.
The only advice I have is to sit down and talk with him about where he sees your relationship going. If he says that he wants to be with you and that he would someday like to get married to you or that he has at least thought about it, then I would probably stay. However, if he does say that and you do stay, I would talk to him about your concerns about having children, etc.
Good luck with everything!
Post # 6
We’ve talked about marriage and it’s definitely something he wants in his future. But the closest I get to a timeline is “not yet”. I think that means “I want to get married but I’m not sure if I want to marry you”.
In the last six months I’ve noticed that he’s managing his money more carefully and trying to budget so he can save enough to put a deposit on a house. This is a big change because he’s usually all about buying unnecessary luxuries right now and not considering the future. So maybe he is considering how things might work out?
He’s obviously thinking about our relationship too, and has highlighted a few issues that would put him off committing. Some things I can work on, like making more effort to do the dishes regularly. But some other things I can’t really help, like being depressed because I lost my job as a solicitor and can’t get another one that’s even remotely related to my career, so I’m working shifts in a temporary call centre job that I hate, with few prospects of another decent job ever coming along. I’d expect him to be supportive of how hard it is for me, not complain that I’m too negative and it gets him down.
Arametta – my bf seems to think that you live with someone to see how it goes, like a trial run. I don’t like this idea because it implies that you aren’t sure you want this person and you might decide that you don’t, and I don’t have time to waste playing house with someone who isn’t sure. But he just says that we need a trial run first, and it might work out so we have to give it a go. But I’m not prepared to invest the time in case it doesn’t! I don’t have time to invest in living with someone who isn’t already sure he wants to be with me. Am I wrong?
Post # 7
@Lillianna: There are definetly some red flags here. He would like you to change before committing? Doing the dishes more? Not letting your dissapointment show when dissapointing things happen in your life?
This is not what a relationship is about. You are right that you deserve more support, and understanding.
If he can’t handle your ups and downs as your boyfriend in a supporting manor, what kind of husband would he be?
(no you are not wrong, his offer ISNT good enough)
Post # 8
I totally understand your Boyfriend or Best Friend wanting to live together to see how it goes before committing to marriage. I don’t have one friend, including myself, who hasn’t done the same. I personally think it is a smart thing to do because you learn a lot more about a person living with them that can determine whether or not you want to marry them. I understand people not choosing to live together for religious reasons however, but I don’t think that is your reasoning. It sounds like he is not going to commit unless he has a better feeling about your future and I don’t blame him. If he thinks that living together will give him that answer, but you’re not willing to try that, then I don’t think you’re going to see a committment anytime soon.
Post # 9
I know it’s hard. Hugs! I’m 35 and am aware of the bio clock, too. My gyno says our fertility can do a decent job of hanging in there till 38, so you might be better off than you think.
Still, though, it seems like it would be a good idea to talk to your SO and figure out where he is w/ marriage and children.
Post # 10
*usually* I would say after two years, if he is putting off talking about his ability to commit by picking on stuff (like dishes) it is not a good sign. At this point he should know, and he is probably using this stuff to delay making the real decision. I have had plenty of frienSS in your shoes, who tries to become the person they thought their boyfriends wanted them to be so they would marry them. It is an impossible task as you are who you are, and he either wants to spend his life with you or he doesn’t. Nmost likely he is stalling, he might even be hoping he will change his mind. Maybe he wants to want to marry you, and hopes he will. But it seems nlikely. I would suggest a very big heart to heart- not pressure, but an honest open conversation.
Post # 11
I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your SO. Have you communicated your goals and dreams? Do you truly understand why he doesn’t want to get married now? It sounds like there is just a lack of communication. Sometimes I think we avoid the tough conversations about future plans because we want to “let nature take it’s course” or we don’t want to push our plans on the other person. However, it’s so much more healthy to talk about these things.
I think you are completely reasonable in your line of thinking but now it’s time to express that to your SO. Maybe he has reasons for holding back from the next step that you are unaware of.
Open and honest communication is the best way to decide if you and him have a future together beyond your current status.
Post # 12
Essentially I think he wants the happy version of me who has a decent job and can afford nice things, and isn’t depressed about not having a decent job, and who bounces out of bed and does the dishes instead of letting them pile up in the kitchen while I lie in bed crying because I’m unhappy. I’d like to be that happy person too!
He fails to see that I’m still the same person but I’ve had some bad luck which has lasted for well over a year. He should be supportive, not tell me that my negativity gets him down and he doesn’t want to marry me because I cry at least once a week, and I don’t make enough effort to look nice (because I have no money for new clothes and hairstyles), and I often feel too depressed to get on with stuff like chores. I’m not a negative person, or an untidy and poorly dressed person – I’m just having a really hard time at present 🙁
I don’t know if he’s using those things as an excuse not to marry me because he isn’t ready. I wouldn’t want to marry me either in my present unfortunate situation, because marrying a depressed person without a stable job is a big burden to accept. I’m trying my best, working a low wage temp job to pay the rent, but I’m still miserable and I can’t just “cheer up” like he wants me to because the situation is beyond my control. Me not “cheering up” is one of the main reasons he doesn’t want to marry me.
He thinks I should try harder to achieve things in my life and is frustrated and angry with me because I’m not getting anywhere – as if I’m not frustrated too, and not already trying my hardest! He lives in this fantasy world where people can just go out and get a great job if they want one, and if I don’t have one that means I’m not even trying.
Post # 13
@Lillianna: life is full of challenges. Whoever you choose in a mate should support you as you face them, not make you feel worse about it. You want to have each other’s backs, help each other be your best. IT sounds like he is using this as an excuse, and nit picking you and talking down to you is not very supportive. He should be your safe place, not your critic.
I have been on the other side – where I have had BFs who were not right for me, and I treated them this way. I am not proud of it. But looking back I see I acted that way because we simply were not right for each other and I was trying to make something work that just didn’t. With my now husband, it is a totally different story.