(Closed) Hi :)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Have you two had a conversation about marriage and a timeline?

Post # 4
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hello there, welcome to the beehive! 

Well, I sure do see (and empathize) with your situation. There’s no easy answer….but you do have options.

First, I must ask, have you talked to him about it latley? Does he know that your wishes are to get married and have children? Has he given you any reasons as to why he hesistates to commit?

I agree, you should not move in with him, not at this point. I moved in with my boyfriend (now FI) when I was 25 and I really feel that although he loved me and wanted to marry me, that it drastically delayed marriage because once you move in, SOME men go into “there’s no rush” mode. I’m 30 now, and If I had to make the same choice, but at my age, I would not move in with a guy, not without a ring. 

I think it’s time, (if you haven’t already) to make your feelings abundantly clear. There’s no shame in using the “M” word, and telling someone hey, this is what I want, I get the distinct feeling we may not want the same thing…and the clock is ticking. And I’m not talking about rushing the poor guy…but just ask him, if it’s not something he’s interested in, then that’s something you need to consider carefully. Don’t give him an ultimatum, but have an open conversation about both his fears and your fears.

If you still get nowhere, yes..I would consider moving on at some point. I don’t think it takes eons to decide you want to marry someone. Not at our age. Don’t give up on your dreams of marriage and kids.

Post # 5
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Lillianna:  We don’t live together because he doesn’t see it as a commitment

That statement caught me a little offgaurd. Does your SO not feel as though he is in a committed relationship with you after 2 years? If that is the case, then I would’ve probably left a long time ago. I can understand him not wanting to rush into a marriage, but making a commitment to someone after that long is another story.

The only advice I have is to sit down and talk with him about where he sees your relationship going. If he says that he wants to be with you and that he would someday like to get married to you or that he has at least thought about it, then I would probably stay. However, if he does say that and you do stay, I would talk to him about your concerns about having children, etc.

Good luck with everything!

Post # 7
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Lillianna:  There are definetly some red flags here. He would like you to change before committing? Doing the dishes more? Not letting your dissapointment show when dissapointing things happen in your life? 

This is not what a relationship is about. You are right that you deserve more support, and understanding. 

If he can’t handle your ups and downs as your boyfriend in a supporting manor, what kind of husband would he be?

(no you are not wrong, his offer ISNT good enough)

 

Post # 8
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I totally understand your Boyfriend or Best Friend wanting to live together to see how it goes before committing to marriage. I don’t have one friend, including myself, who hasn’t done the same. I personally think it is a smart thing to do because you learn a lot more about a person living with them that can determine whether or not you want to marry them. I understand people not choosing to live together for religious reasons however, but I don’t think that is your reasoning. It sounds like he is not going to commit unless he has a better feeling about your future and I don’t blame him. If he thinks that living together will give him that answer, but you’re not willing to try that, then I don’t think you’re going to see a committment anytime soon.

Post # 9
Member
38 posts
Newbee

 

I know it’s hard.  Hugs!  I’m 35 and am aware of the bio clock, too.  My gyno says our fertility can do a decent job of hanging in there till 38, so you might be better off than you think. 

Still, though, it seems like it would be a good idea to talk to your SO and figure out where he is w/ marriage and children.   

Post # 10
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

*usually* I would say after two years, if he is putting off talking about his ability to commit by picking on stuff (like dishes) it is not a good sign.  At this point he should know, and he is probably using this stuff to delay making the real decision.  I have had plenty of frienSS in your shoes, who tries to become the person they thought their boyfriends wanted them to be so they would marry them. It is an impossible task as you are who you are, and he either wants to spend his life with you or he doesn’t. Nmost likely he is stalling, he might even be hoping he will change his mind. Maybe he wants to want to marry you, and hopes he will. But it seems nlikely. I would suggest a very big heart to heart- not pressure, but an honest open conversation.

Post # 11
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your SO. Have you communicated your goals and dreams? Do you truly understand why he doesn’t want to get married now? It sounds like there is just a lack of communication. Sometimes I think we avoid the tough conversations about future plans because we want to “let nature take it’s course” or we don’t want to push our plans on the other person. However, it’s so much more healthy to talk about these things. 

I think you are completely reasonable in your line of thinking but now it’s time to express that to your SO. Maybe he has reasons for holding back from the next step that you are unaware of.

Open and honest communication is the best way to decide if you and him have a future together beyond your current status.  

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

@Lillianna:  life is full of challenges.  Whoever you choose in a mate should support you as you face them, not make you feel worse about it.  You want to have each other’s backs, help each other be your best.  IT sounds like he is using this as an excuse, and nit picking you and talking down to you is not very supportive.  He should be your safe place, not your critic.

I have been on the other side – where I have had BFs who were not right for me, and I treated them this way. I am not proud of it.  But looking back I see I acted that way because we simply were not right for each other and I was trying to make something work that just didn’t.  With my now husband, it is a totally different story. 

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