(Closed) His 2nd wedding, my first

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@lindzi34:

My fiance was previously married and I have not been. His family is beyond EXCITED to help with this wedding because they did not particularly care for her… ok they don’t like her at all.

His first wedding was a backyard event where he wasn’t involved in the planning, didn’t get a first dance or cut the cake. Our wedding will be in a building with exposed brick and beams with open bar, etc. I have made sure to involve him every step of the way and answer any questions they have to involve the family as well. They are very supportive.

I worried that this would just be a repeat, but it is TOTALLY different. You are YOU and she is an EX for a reason. I have been reassured several times that this is NOT the same as the last time.

Post # 4
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would tell fiance I found it and how it makes me uncomfortable. Therefore, he can speak with his mom and she can either choose to throw it away or stash it. I also think that she might not throw it away because although they’re divorced, it’s still memories. I do see your point and like you, it would make me uncomfortable.

Post # 5
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t understand your question. Do you need help getting over the fact that his family is less excited about your wedding or do you need help understanding why his mum has some pictures from his first wedding?

Post # 6
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@lindzi34: His wedding album is his. I wouldn’t touch it, but at least acknowledge that you found it. It’s up to him to decide to with it what he wants. Burning it or throwing it away without his knowledge isn’t a mature thing to do. Let him sort out what he wants to do with it.

Post # 7
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lindzi34: i can understand that you don’t want to see that but i mean… it’s part of his life. it’s his history. and you love and accept him as he is now with all the baggage he comes with and he does the same for you. personally, i don’t think it’s your place to “rat them out” for keeping a photo album. it’s in the past and although the relationship didn’t work, there are probably many happy looking people in those pictures. it’s a family event and though she isn’t part of the family anymore, many people in that album still are and they shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed for wanting to hang onto it.

TL;DR? just let it be.

Post # 8
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

ummm seems to me that you are being very jealous and over reacting to this.  He was married they had a wedding and there will be pictures.  He has put it in the past and you need to as well.  I have not thrown away every picture of my ex and he was a mentally ill jerk – but when I see them they mean nothing to me.

Now if you found that Fiance had pictures in his underwear drawer and was peeking at them and crying I would be worried but this is normal.

Post # 10
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My Fiance has been married before and I haven’t.  I really wouldn’t care one way or the other.  I mean it’s fun to see how young he looked in those pictures.  I also didn’t really care if he tossed pics out of his ex-girlfriends or not, and he really didn’t care one way or the other about my ex’s pics.  I guess we feel they are just pictures of a time when he was happy, however short that was, and they won’t hurt me.

Post # 11
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

At least you found it unexpectedly. MY Mother-In-Law actually pulled my husband’s out to SHOW me, and he was VERY uncomfortable having me see it. I was only dating him at the time, so didn’t really care, but she even kept their framed wedding pictures out in her LR even once we were married.

They were actually shocked we were having an actual wedding, since it was his second time (but my first). They thought we should slink off quietly somewhere and be done with it. Ha. We had a small wedding,despite what they thought.

I don’t think you should do anything about what you’ve found. It isn’t your property to dispose of, but you might mention to your Fiance that you found it and leave it up to him as to what is done.

Post # 12
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was married before – my husband was not.  It could very well be that his mom still has the album and didn’t even realize it … or that she wants to keep it, not because she still holds on to his first wife, but because there are probably photos in there that are special to her, photos that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the ex.  I guess I’m on the other side of this and I don’t understand what the big deal is.  It’s not your album to rip up and I’m not sure from your post if it’s your FI’s album or maybe it’s his mother’s album (which if it is, then you really have no room to say what she does with it).  If his family is accepting of you, and there aren’t any other issues, I would honestly let this go.  I highly doubt his mother flips through the album and thinks, “Boy, I sure miss his first wife” (especially given the circumstances that she cheated and has remarried). 

I kept photos of my first wedding for my children and my parents still have family photos from my wedding (which was back in 1996).  It doesn’t bother me in the least – they’re not holding onto any memories of my marriage, they’re holding onto memories with me and my family.  I’d let this one go…

Post # 13
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would think many parents would hold onto wedding albums, even if their children divorced. As other posters said, there are many special photos and memories from that day. Even if your fiance’s mom is upset that his marriage ended in divorce, I’m sure she still has special positive memories from that day. I personally think you should just try to forget about it. I can definitely see what it upset you to see the photos, but I don’t see anything wrong whatsoever with his mom having her son’s wedding album. I would just let it go.

Post # 14
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@lindzi34: I’m sorry you had to come across those! My Mother-In-Law still has pictures of the ex wife up on her walls, because they are family photos with all her kids and grandkids in them. It was so hard to see them at first, but now I forget they’re there. I’m hoping the pictures from our wedding will finally replace them.

I have seen so many wedding pictures from DH’s first wedding that I feel like I was a guest there! LOL! I helped him unpack, and sort through a bunch of boxes from his old house, and damn those things just kept popping up!  ๐Ÿ™‚ It was like a punch in the gut, and when he saw how they upset me, he threw them away. 

It was my issue to get over though. The pictures were not really the problem, it was my insecurity. And DH made a point, and now in hindsight when the feelings are not so raw I see he was right, he shouldn’t have to apologize for his past and he’s entitled to his memories. I have ex boyfriend boxes, most of us do, and I would not want to toss those out in the trash. 

I would give your Fiance the respect he deserves and let him decide what to do with it. 

I’ve been there though. Please PM me if you want someone to talk to who knows what you’re feeling.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Darling Husband and I were friends for several years before we started dating and I remember when he got married the first time which is kind of odd.

I felt like his family was really indifferent about the wedding, especially his dad because he lives on the east coast and really never gave us a firm answer until about 2 weeks before the wedding as to if he’s be attending. It hurt me, I felt very left out. But, they all came! As you get a little closer things will feel differently. Try to include them as much as possible, I found that my excitement was infectious and they did warm up.

About the pictures, when we started dating he went through and trashed any pictures, including wedding pictures that he still had. He didn’t want me to see them at all.  He talked to his mother and asked that she not speak of his ex wife at all because they were still friends when Darling Husband and I started dating. 

Honestly, it never really bothered me. Did I want to see or hear about her? No. But I know that it wasn’t on purpose. So if it were me I would understand that it’s a part of his past and who he is… there are going to be some artifacts left of it.

 

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