Post # 1
So, to start off I’ll tell you all this, I have the Future Mother-In-Law from hell. She is not a nice person, she is constantly being terrible to Fiance and I, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I am used to this and I know that she will not change. My parents (and us, in small part) are paying for our entire wedding, including the rehearsal dinner. His parents refuse to pitch in at all. This is fine, we don’t expect favors from these people. My issue is this….
Today FI’s little brother (all 13 years old of him) delivers to my house the guest list that my Future Mother-In-Law insists need to be invited. In total, the list is around 150 names long with 60 couples/families MUST BE INVITED. We are having a kid friendly reception, so if everyone that we “have” to invite brings their kids/SOs it will be over 100 more people. I mean, highlighting names and writing in exclamation points all over this list about people we just HAVE to invite and what not. Many of these people are distant cousins and great great/great aunts and uncles whom I (and FI) have no idea who they are. We had planned on an average wedding for this area (around 200-250 people). I don’t really think that it is reasonable for her to give me a list of 150 people that I’m supposed to invite “if we have room” and 60 that are “MUSTS” when neither my Fiance or I have ever heard of them, especially when my family and I are paying for the wedding. I’m trying very hard to be accomodating to his family because I do not want to cause drama, these people cause enough without being provoked. We are including their names on the invitation because his mom emailed my mom and begged her to put their names on the invites, even though they are in no way hosting the event.
The other issue with this guest list is that his Future Mother-In-Law has pretty much left his entire Dad’s side of the family off of her proposed guest list. Essentially it is HER entire family tree (most of which neither of us know or have even met) and it leaves his dad’s side of the family out. We had both agreed that we did not want to invite people we do not know and people we have not met. We also did not want to invite people that we haven’t spoken to for long periods of time (old high school friends that we no longer talk to, etc.)
Soooo my question is this, at what point did you stop inviting distant family? Do we have to invite these distant cousins and great great whatevers that we do not know? What portion of your guest list was invited because of yours or your SO’s parents?
Post # 3
I know the feeling. I wanted to send invites for 200 people and once my mom got the list it became 260 “some people are just a formality, I know they won’t come”. They why bother inviting them… but anywho.
I think that if they were contributing you could say you can invite X number of people. In theory, you’d want 50/50 split on the invites but it gets complicated when they aren’t paying a dime.
Post # 4
This is a day that you and the man you love declare your commitment to each other in front of the people that love you, support you and in some way have played an influential role in your lives. Why on earth would you invite people you have never met?
If his parents are helping you financially with the wedding, then I suppose yes, you will have to take on board some of their requests. (but not all 150 of them!!)
If you two are paying for this day on your own, though, I don’t think there’s anything wrong in politely declining future MIL’s pretty full-on request with a suggestion that maybe if she wants you and hubby to be introduced to these people she can organise a time other than your wedding day.
Post # 5
I think you should totally ignore that list they had delivered to your house. I mean, even if they had pitched in, it still is YOUR day – just you and your man celebrating with whomever you wanna celebrate with. The fact that they didn’t contribute means you shouldn’t even have to apologize about not inviting these people. Have your Fiance tell them it’s not gonna happen and that they shouldn’t come whining to you about it.
We’re separating the religious part of the ceremony and inviting family to that, then partying on the beach with just our friends and our parents the day after. No aunts, uncles, great great aunts and second cousins twice removed, thank you!
On a separate note, I’m glad you guys are not letting the negativity get to you 🙂 Don’t let anyone ruin this for you. This celebration is all about you and the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with.
Best of luck! 🙂
Post # 6
Hmmm… I wish I had the miracle answer but I don’t…
I first want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this right now. It’s sad that this has turned into such a stressful situation. It really angers me when I hear about parents that expect their child to invite all these people yet don’t give any money. If they want them invited so bad, they can pay for them.
But I’ll get off my soap box now:
I think though that so long as you and your fiance have a united front, which it seems like you are, you’re on the right track. I also think that it should be your fiance’s responsability to speak with his mother. If it comes from you, i feel it may just make things worse.
As far as the cut-off distant family went, for both of us, we cut it off at our grandparents’ siblings, and just them, not the siblings’ kids (my parents cousins).
I think most people understand not being invited to weddings these days, especially if they are that far removed.
Good luck, good luck!
Post # 7
Tell her you are only able to invite X people and that’ll you’ll invite the first X on her list, unless she’d like to reorder it? Or just say, thank you for the list, we’ll take it under advisement and invite those you want to invite and don’t the rest.
Post # 8
I think you should decide how many invites you are giving her and tell her she gets “X” invites and that’s that. If people on her list are people your Fiance don’t want there – then he needs to take that up with his mom.
Since your parents are paying for it, get their blessing on it as well.
We paid for the wedding ourselves, so our parents didn’t get any say in the guestlist nor did we allow them to bring their own friends. I know people how give their parents a table or two to do with as they please (when they are paying for it themselves (the bride/groom)) and I think that’s more than generous.
Post # 9
I feel like I could have written this. What I did was a little sneaky. I determinded how many people from my side would be coming and gave his parents the same number. When they went over I very politely explained that I would need 80 dollars a head for the additional names. They quickly revamped there list but they still had to pay for an extra 15 people. I made it clear that if they did not pay those people would not be invited.
*Also this sounds a lot more easy than it actually was, there was a lot more going on then it being this simple so good luck! I know it can get messy.
Post # 10
@MrsPinkPeony: I hadn’t thought of that, but I think you have the right answer!
Thanks so much Bees, I knew you ladies would give me great advice. If only I had you all on speeddial to bother you all the time haha!
Post # 11
Our plaln is if you want to event people you must pay for them. I am telling my Future Mother-In-Law that is cost about 120 a pp when its really costing us 100.
Post # 12
Ugh I know this all too well. My grandmother and I had a major blow out on Thanksgiving morning because she invited some random relative I had never met before. She did it right in front me over the phone without even getting our approval…we were right there!
In the end you have to pick and choose your battles. Do I regret standing up to her? No. We got the point across that as we are paying for this wedding every extra body adds up. If we don’t have a relationship with that person why for the life of me would we have them there to celebrate our most intimate occassion? She got the point loud and clear. Perhaps you need to have the same type of conversation (respectfully of course) with your Future Mother-In-Law.
I agree with the PP if you want to add to the guest list feel free to pad the donations. Otherwise it is between the couple and no one else.
Post # 13
@beccabelle10: I think you and your Fiance should be in a united front telling your Future Mother-In-Law that it is unreasonable. Even if she says that she’ll pay for her guests, it’s not about the money. It’s about the fact that you and your Fiance made an agreement on inviting people you know and have kept in contact. Good luck!