Post # 1
New bee here been lurking the last week and so comforted knowing there are others like me in the very same stressful situation as me.
Well I’ve been with my bf for almost 2.5 years now. I am 33 he is 34. We don’t live together nor do I want to unless we get married he feels the same way. We have a great relationship and our parents support us together. He spends alot of time with me and I know he cares for me alot. We are very close and have spoken about marriage and the more time goes by the more the topic is coming up but he hasn’t bought me a ring and Im starting to feel resentment.
I think I was ready around Christmas time for an engagement and thats when we really starting discussing it. Every since then weve had so many fights about this as I am 33 yrs old and I am ready to start a family and buy a house with him ect and I feel like he is stalling. Most of his friends and cousins are married, some with children and so I don’t think he is afraid of the commitment aspect of it but I can’t be sure. He’s had so many wonderful opportunities to surprise and ask me to marry him but hasn’t.
Fights are getting worse and closer together now. I told him that I want to get married next year around Sept or Oct. and I hope we were on the same page. He said we were. During an argument I asked if he would propose soon and after awhile he said yes he would. Not sure if he is saying this because he means it or he is afraid to lose me? I told him that if he has no plans to marry me next year I was going to walk. He knows he needs to give us at least a year to prepare because he asked me once a very long time ago how long it takes to plan a wedding. This means he has got to propose to me soon and I’m starting to think he won’t and he is having doubts. I don’t event think hes ever gone out to look at rings besides this one time we were at the mall and I asked him to come into a jewlerry store with me to see some and we were in there literally for 5 mins and left. I just pointed out 1 or 2 I liked and that was it.
I am starting to get frusterated and scared this won’t happen. I really don’t want to leave him I wonder if he will go through with his promise. This past Saturday he told me he did want to get married “one day”. I dont know if it was a bad choice of words or what but that statement left me discouraged. I mean “one day”?? We are 33 and 34 and everything is perfect I don’t understand why he is being this way. That “one day” has come it is now!
This past weekend we started talking about looking for a house to buy together soon but not sure if I should wait until we are officially engaged to start looking.
Any advice or encouraging words Lord knows I really need some right now I admit I’m on such a downer lately feeling like we don’t feel the same way for each other or why would he need 2.5 years to know if I was the one 🙁
Post # 3
I am so sorry you’re feeling so down..honestly, if i had made an ultimate to my now husband i think we wouldn’t have been married as yet. He resists any kind of pressure in a very strong and stubborn way and i’ve learn to accept he has his own reasons and needs to do things at his right time. Sure, he should have told me WHY it took him 7 years to finally show me we were on the same line of thought and desire!!!!
Maybe it happens the same with your boyfriend. I wish i had asked mine, quite frankly “Is there any reason why we can’t decide on a date yet, why we don’t talk marriage/wedding more seriously?” If i did ask, i think he would have answered the truth and spare me many tears and sleepless nights..in the end it’s all down to communication. In our case, he felt he shouldn’t think about marriage when he was was under a tremendous finantial pressure. When things got a little better for his firm he felt relieved enough to talk back to me about marriage. There was no proposal. It was a kind of “Do we dare?When?”
Good luck, sweety. Ask him in a calm way and hope all goes well!
Post # 4
First I think you should lay off the marriage talk for awhile, it seems you’ve already made it very clear to him that its what you want to happen next year, so he knows. You want a year to plan the wedding, meaning you need a proposal by this September/October…give him some space and time to make that happen for you and for you to enjoy it as a surprise. You dont want a proposal forced as a result of arguments and nagging (unless thats what you really want). If i were you I would not mention wedding/marriage again for the next 2 months. Be patient and optimistic, if nothing happens by October 31st then you have to decide what you would like to do about where things stand….
There is no harm in looking at houses if you really want a future with him, however, based on the fact that you two agreed that you both want marriage before moving in together, if I were you I would NOT buy a house together until at least an engagement and even then im skeptical because if he’s really stalling you then if you move in once you get the ring, this may delay the wedding/marriage even longer…he may not feel the need to take it any further for awhile (if he really is stalling).
Good Luck with everything, I hope it works out!
Post # 5
@Rivendeler: thanks for your reply. My boyfriend is like that too he dosen’t like to give in to pressure but we have been discussing this since Christmas and he’s had more than enough time to propose to me on his own free will many moments that would have been perfect but he chose not too. Now time is closing in on him because if we are going to get married next year we have got to get moving. I feel like maybe I need to light a fire under his butt to make him move but I dont know anymore. I hate to pressure him but the way I see it is like this: I’m not forcing him to be with me but I am forcing him to make a choice. If he doesn’t want to be with me than maybe he doesnt love me maybe there is someone else out there for me although I love him and I can’t picture my life without him 🙁
Post # 6
@Happy Hopeful Bee: Thank you. I’ve tried not talking about it but it hurts so much its kind of taken over our relationship I wish I could stop nagging him I really do but its so very painfull and frusterating not to mention embarrasing as well. Everyone can see that its been 2.5 years and people that know me know I want to marry him but he isn’t asking and Im sure it makes people beleive he is unsure about me. I know I shouldnt care about what other people think but a small part of me does. This past Saturday we fought the whole night and then Sunday when we got together I tried my very best to not bring it up and we had a fun afternoon although its something that I can never stop thinking about.
To love someone so much and they arent ready to give you the same commitment 🙁 Hurts.
Post # 7
@blueberries123: I feel for you. But am affraid that I don’t have any advice, just letting you know you are not alone in this.
It’s really hard to push away the resentment feelings when they start creeping up. Specially in our age (I’m 32 myself and my SO is 37). Ive spent the whole Sunday and this morning feeling down (actually even cried a bit while falling asleep – thanks to another post on Facebook)
My SO’s work just got really busy and doesn’t look like he will have much time planning this special proposal that he is hoping to. He was looking at rings but haven’t found one yet. He promised me that he will propose in 2012, but he just isn’t planning anything. I can’t even get work out of our weekends, he is way to distracted with what goes on there. I am trying to be supportive best I can but it hurts. If he doesn’t end up doing it by the end of this year I think I’ll be really hurt.
Post # 8
“why would he need 2.5 years to know if I was the one”
I don’t think 2.5 years is that long when talking about love. People who have been married for 60 years say their love got stronger over time. People also mature at a different pace. You might be ready, but he might not be. If you’re not willing to wait, then that’s your choice.
Personally, I constantly feel like I love my bf more than he loves me. But I have hope that the longer we’re together, the more love he will feel for me. And when he feels for me what I feel for him, he’ll be ready to propose.
Of course I feel like this today lol I’ve had my bummed days too. So cheer up and enjoy house shopping, and stop talking about marriage for a while. If he starts talking to you about purchasing a house (which you can tease him with lots of lovely pictures) you can subtley remind him that you won’t move in together until you’re engaged 🙂
Post # 9
Girl, I have been in your shoes. I could write a book on this. I am 36 and was with my bf for 2 years, not living together and was feeling the same way you are feeling.
@Happy Hopeful Bee: and @Rivendeler: gave some excellent advice here.
If i were you I would not mention wedding/marriage again for the next 2 months. Be patient and optimistic, if nothing happens by October 31st then you have to decide what you would like to do about where things stand….
Exactly. I had set myself this exact deadline, except mine was in the spring! I told my bf I wanted some space to reevaluate the relationship. Granted, I didn’t do this in the calmest way, but I did it. Then I booked a vacation by myself, went out with friends, started feeling much better about myself and realized that I could have a happy life without him if need be. This is what you may need to do. Within 2 weeks he proposed.
Post # 10
If its any consolation, im a waiting bee too! So i know the frustrations and the outside pressures. BUT…this is just one of those things that you cannot make happen before it is time. It will either happen or it won’t and unfortunately its all up to him…
Trust me, as a waiting bee I know the deal, but you cannot allow this to drive you nuts in the process! Focus on the good in your relationship, enjoy the times you two have together, realize that this is your final months as a single lady (hopefully you will be married soon).
Focus on enjoying you two as you are right now, be patient and be optimistic, remind him of how good you two are together and why he wants to marry you, have fun and enjoy your relationship. Let a few months go by just like this, happy. And then if still no proposal, revisit and decide what you want to do, and maybe ask him for a timeline and if he still sees you two getting married next year, BUT, do not have this conversation for a few months…give him some time to propose on his own.
Good luck sweetie! Trust me, I know how hard this is.
Post # 11
thanks all for the advice he is a trustworthy person and I can’t imagine he would involve me so much in his life with his family as well if he didn’t have good intentions. I hope it happens soon I’m going to try and keep my big mouth shut this entire month 🙁
Post # 12
@blueberries123: good for you! stay strong 🙂