Post # 1
I am new here but thought I would join since my husband and I plan to start trying in the next month or so. We are both 33. I do worry about obstacles because my husband has a very low drive (due to medications) and also has problems finishing (which is essential to conceiving)–so these things reall concern me. He also works a lot so he is nearly always exhausted when he comes home. As you can see, we can’t just be spontaneous and “try” for a kid–given all these issues. We need to have a plan. But I just don’t really know how best to communicate to him that in order to maximize our chances of conceiving we will need to BD several times during my fertile period (I plan to use a fertitlity monitor)–and that he may need to see a doctor for his issues and this time actually follow through on the advice (before he went to the appointment but didn’t take steps that the doctor told him to such as testoterone to boost his libido).
I haven’t told him that I’ll be using a fertiltiy monitor because I don’t want to scare him off! Is there a good way you all recommend I communicate to him that we will need to be intimate during a certain period? A part of me also wants to ask him to get a full check up–but would that be too much pressure at this point? (Note that he is not as excited to start trying as I am so I don’t want to push him away). So I really need to be able to communicate effectively to him without freaking him out or causing stress around the issue. Thanks for any advice.
Post # 3
@Armina33: TTC is stressful and full of pressure. I would maybe let him know how TTC works (baby dancing on your ovulation days). I wouldn’t put too much stress otherwise. When the mood strikes, do it. If, on your O days, he just isn’t into it and he’s tired, let him sleep. Honestly, part of TTC is relaxing and having fun too.
I would say in 6 months or so if you haven’t become pregnant, then you can maybe suggest looking into some medical interventions or working harder at it, but I’d get the feel for it and have fun for the first few months before suggesting he go to a doctor.
Post # 4
Chances are he doesn’t really understand how it works… I just told DH i’m going to start temp taking and charting when i’m off the pill so i know when its even possible to concieve. I said theres really only a 3 or 4 day fertile window and we go that long on a normal basis so if we just wing it, it could take us months and nothing would happen. He just said okay. I dont know how its going to go yet but whats most important right now is for him to we aware so when it comes that time i can just tell him when it is and he can work with that. .
Just make it about concieving a child… you dont know how much of an issue it will be to cocieve until you start. You could get a bfp your first cycle- you just don’t know so theres no sense in worrying or making him get a full test or do all the steps necessary to improve sperm count until you know for sure. Its important that you keep him and you relaxed. nerves are only going to make it worse.
Post # 5
@Armina33: You can def try and explain to him what it takes or what it will take in order to get pregnant. TTC is stressful enough, so try not to make a “job” for him since day one, otherwise it might just completely turn him off. When DH and I first started trying, he knew we were “trying” but he didnt know about fertile window, and taking my temp and CM and all that good stuff. When we went for so long without results, he finally got with it and on board. Dont blame him if he doesnt take much interest from day one. Some men (including my DH) think you need to just have unprotected sex and bang! there is a baby! Some men will realize it on their own (like my DH) that is time to learn more and be on the same page with your partner. GL lady and def talk to him about his “issues” and see if he can get help on that department first.
Post # 6
@Armina33: he is your husband. you should feel comfortable being open and honest with him about anything and everything. is he ready for a baby? are you on the same page? explain to him how the process works.
we got married last month and planned to start TTC on the honeymoon. DH is irregular with his checkups. I strongly suggested to him a few months before that he should get a checkup. He even asked me for some questions he should ask the doctor.
On our honeymoon, I explained to him how the process and my fertile window works. I had explained it to him before but he didn’t quite get it. We talk about everything. If he has a question, he can ask me. And the same for me.
Set some time aside when you are both calm and relaxed and just talk about your future, maybe share a bottle of wine while you talk.
Post # 7
I don’t think either of us is ready for a baby–but the fact that I am 33 is a huge motivator since we don’t know how long it will take to conceive and it would be sad if we couldn’t simply because we waited too long. I think DH is agreeing to try just to make me happy. He does want a child/children–but to him it’s not a matter of urgency. But for me it is because I don’t want to wait too long. I have aksed him a few times if he is ok with this and if he has any hesitation to tell me–and he insists he’s on board. Deep down I know he wants a child and would be thrilled.
In terms of communication, I have to admit I’m terrible. I constantly worry about how I come across and feel like my words are strained. I can’t relax when communicating to my husband–even though we’ve been together for nearly 8 years (7 of them dating). Commuincating used to be so much easier in the beginning when I felt freer and didn’t think too much. I will try to just talk to him.
Post # 8
@Armina33: One thing I did with my DH was try to make it more of a “team effort” type of vibe, since we both need to be doing things to help. I explained it like this, “I am taking prenatal vitamins and limiting caffeine and alcohol to create the best environment in me for a baby. It would be best for our future child if you can also take some steps to help give us and our baby the best chance possible.” For him, the things I was requesting are simple – don’t have your laptop sitting on your lap, reduce alcohol intake, things like that. I think if you go through several cycles of TTC and aren’t getting the results you want, then maybe approaching it like this (“we are a team, let’s work on these things together) can be a good approach.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Honest? If you are hesitant to communicate about TTC, you may want to focus your energy on improving communication BEFORE TTC. I say this as a parent. Really open, honest, thorough communication is your key to success as parents. When you are on opposite sides of a discipline issue, working on not enough sleep, dealing with the intimacy after effects of parenthood, etc. communication will be the only way you get through together without turning on each other. 33 is not that old, and it’s certainly not old enough to consider jumping in without having your ducks in a row first. So that is where I would start, with strengthening the communication within your relationship until these are easy, comfortable conversations to have (including negotiating how you will spend holidays handle discipline issues, handle the mignight-2am-4am wake-ups when he’s already so tired, what you would do if you were having twins or a child with special needs, etc.).
And I would also work on helping him help himself. He needs to feel good, have energy, and actively want to do whatever it takes to get pregnant and raise a child. Having a health issue hanging over his life probably makes him feel pretty down. He needs gentle but firm support to start lifting himself up. The truth of the matter is that once a baby comes, he needs to stand on his own two feet in taking care of himself because he is now responsible for taking care of a baby, too. You will not have time to take care of him, so focus on getting him feeling good right now because that will make co-parenting with him much easier later.
Post # 10
@Armina33: I think for the first 2-3 months maybe just monitor your ovulation and during your fertile week do some extra special out of the ordinary special things (lingerie, etc) to get him more in the mood. That way, he doesn’t have to know it’s time to BD and won’t feel pressured?
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018
@Armina33: I feel for you. I could have written this. Although, I talk to DH more openly about his issues. Some days I feel very frustrated especially because he doesn’t want to get help. We have not started ttc yet, but part of me is afraid we will have a hard time. Please feel free to send me a private message. Patience helps and showing love to him.
Post # 12
I suggest really working on your communication with your DH first… because my DH and I had such an easy time communicating it was really simple when I felt I was ready. We sat down and spoke about what things we were excited for and nervous for. We both felt prepared. I did all the research and then just told him these are the days we can make a baby! I still tried to make things fun and not just about making a baby and this really worked for us! We had fun and I’m due in June 🙂 good luck to both of you!!
Post # 13
Thanks so much everyone,
I do need to practice patience and being loving and supportive. The problem is that I am very bad at being patient when I feel that I have no control. It seems like so much is in his hands but he isn’t motivated to fix the health issues. So at times I get very frustrated and upset with him–which I know doesn’t help at all.
I think I’ll try the approach where we wait a few cycles and then if there’s an issue I discuss it with him so that we both can take steps together. I honestly never thought planning to ttc would be so difficult. But I really appreciate the support on here 🙂
Post # 14
@Armina33: I wish I could remember the bee’s name on here, but someone mentioned that a doctor had prescribed her husband testosterone and it set their TTC back by like 3 months! I don’t think it’s a good thing for your husband to be taking testosterone if you are TTC….something about how it can suppress the body’s ability to produce sperm. I might be totally wrong, but hopefully someone else knows more about this!
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018
This is key as DH has low testosterone, and we were hoping to TTC in about three months. Thanks for sharing.
Post # 16
I am the same way with getting frustrated and impatient when things are out of my control. All I have to say is- you might as well get used to it. TTC is mentally trying. It’s the one thing you literally have no control over. You can do everything in your power to time it right, take OPKs, use monitors etc but in the end your body decides and you have no power. It is way more frustrating when you can’t control your own
body as opposed to someone else’s.