(Closed) Hi… I'm waiting!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee

@Gorjuss:  Hi, there! Welcome to the Bee!

I just have to say that I’m a big fan of you, just based on the fact that you used the word daren’t! 🙂

I’m in a similar situation so I don’t really have any advice but I did want to welcome you to the board.

Post # 4
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear all these negative things about your SO.  It seems like he has some issues incorporating you fully into his life.  I don’t know exactly what advice I’d give you.  I’m a very blunt and open person.  If it means I scare off my SO, that means we’re not meant for each other, imo.  So I would flat out say “you can’t exclude me from certain friends” and “you can’t not tell me what your plans on.”  I would just reiterate how you guys are a TEAM, a PARTNERSHIP, and in this TOGETHER.  But it seems like he might not even be thinking on that level yet. 

Moving in together is a step in the right direction, it seems.  2 1/2 years seems to be a long time to be together without discussing marriage.  Honestly, I don’t remember where I learned this, but in one of my Psych classes they said that on average people know if they want to marry each other within 2 years. 

I wouldn’t bring anything up now and I don’t know if I would put a “cut off date” necessarily.  But maybe in a few months once it seems like he’s more comfortable, I would have a serious talk about the relationship and where he sees things headed. 

Honestly, I’ve been w/ my Fiance 2 1/2 years and there aren’t any friends I haven’t met, we have a joint savings account, we live together, we talk about marriage and the future.  I don’t think it’s normal to be together for that long a time and not talk about it at all unless you’re very, very young.  Otherwise, it makes it seem like marriage isn’t a priority to him and if it is to you, then he should make it a priority of his, or else you two are just not on the same page. 

Post # 6
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow. I’m really sorry, but after two years he should be letting you know what his plans are. I mean, it’s not like you’re roommates.

Also, the whole friends don’t like you thing to me is a big red flag. Did you ask him why they don’t like you? What did he say? I dated a guy once whose friends didn’t like me, and guess what? He brought me around anyway because he wanted to be with me, and to him the relationship was the most important thing, and he was going to be with me for the long haul so the sooner his friends got used to that the better. He ended up proposing later on.

I don’t see how a loving, committed relationship can be “too much” for a guy. If it’s too much for him to have a woman who wants to be with him and wants to know his friends and cares about where he is, are you sure you want to be with him? Because it sounds like he isn’t sure he wants to be with you.

If you want to consider yourself waiting, that’s fine, but this does NOT sound like a man who’s going to propose anytime soon. I hope that isn’t overly harsh, but i think it does people more good to call it as I see it. I think you need to be with someone who values you more, not who sounds like he’s constantly trying to struggle against the idea of getting in deeper with you. Nonetheless, I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully things will improve.

You sound like an EXCELLENT candidate for Mr. Bee’s Plan.

Post # 7
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

@Gorjuss:  I think you’re doing the right thing by having your own timeline. It’s not an ultimatum – it’s choosing what’s right for you. And honestly, I think you were more generous with him than I would have been! I’d definitely expect consideration of my feelings/opinions on big decisions. 

Perhaps after 3-6 more months of living together, you can revisit the ‘marriage’ topic with him, or in the meantime, you can personally re-evaluate whether he’s including you more fully in his plans / his friends /etc. I’m not sure that I’d give him a full year of living together if things don’t show improvement in the next few months. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m almost 30, so I definitely highly prioritize my time! But I’m sure you’ll do what feels right for you – good luck!

 

Edited to add: Having read your response, I am also seeing some bigger red flags in how he still hangs out with friends that dislike you. At this stage of my relationship (dating 1 year), I would not hang out with any friend who was unwelcoming to my SO. Yikes! That, and his feeling like telling you his plans would be “asking permission” tells me that he’s not ready for commitment – he might need counseling in order to get to that point, or just several more years of maturing. I’m sorry to say it!

Post # 9
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

@Gorjuss:  Could you please PM where you found that article about likelihood of getting married after 3.5 years of dating? My SO and I have been dating 3 years and 3 months so I would REALLY like to be able to bring that up causally to him. 

I think that some guys need a little push in order to make to plunge. I don’t really know why that is. I agree about implementing Mr. Bee’s plan. He knows where you stand now so continuing to bring it up won’t change anything. Best of luck to you!

Post # 10
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Sweetheartchic:  I’ve seen this stat in Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, but it’s a book, not an article. 

Post # 11
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Gorjuss:  No advice, just WELCOME!

🙂 

Post # 13
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

@Gorjuss:  Thank you for the link. I definately brought this statistic up to my SO yesterday…. Didn’t go over great. Oh well. 

@EffieTrinket:  Thank you!

Post # 14
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Gorjuss:  Sweety.. this guy sounds just like my ex.  And he’s my ex for that reason.  It was really hard for me to see the guy who set up some of the most romantic dates for me, do things for my family, be really sweet, etc.. also do the things that your guy is doing to you.  And I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Ultimately, I ended the relationship because I realized that he just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and I was.  Now, I’m dating someone who is on the same page as I am and I’m MUCH happier. 

Here’s an example of something that would happen w/ my ex.  He would work until 8pm.  I would know what time he would get home and I would drive to his house and wait for him.  But, on days he was off and I worked until 5pm, he wouldn’t give me the same effort.  He would go out with his friends and not show up until 8 or 9pm.  And we didn’t have many days off at the same time because his schedule rotated every week and mine was M-F so he didn’t always have weekends off. Another example, he would have “guy nights” and never invite me.  He never said his friends didn’t like me, but he said he couldn’t afford both of us.  Which is funny considering I never asked him to always pay for me. 

All these things just show that he’s not ready for a real, serious commitment.  My ex and I broke up nearly 3 years ago and he only just now got into a new relationship (I think he dated, but nothing serious, until now).  I was his first relationship where he told the girl he loved her and that lasted more than 3 months.  I just think it was too soon for him and he didn’t know how to act and he wasn’t ready for it.  Which is fine – I wasn’t going to wait 5 years for him to be ready.  Maybe I just wasn’t the girl he was going to be ready for, yanno?

But it just reminds me of your relationship.  Sweet guy, just not ready for a commitment.  And if you’re not both on the same page, then it’s unfair to one or both of you. 

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