Post # 1
So, because of some really bad situations and pressure from both sides of my family, my fiance and I had a rushed JOP. It was fine but we had it with the intention that we would have a Vow Commitment. I told a friend who is HUGE into wedding planning about it but she began to deride me for my decision to have one. She kept saying I should wait 10-20 years to have one.
Now this had me thinking. My fiance and I were together for ten years before getting married. We got together as teenagers, went through college together and were saving up for a wedding before things happened. However, she dated her prospective husbands( she had two) mere months or a couple of years before a grand wedding. No one deserves the right to have a grand wedding but she did and yet grudges me my VC. I told her that she could have easily did the same thing, a JOP so why did she have to have a big thing? I think that it is unfortunate that she is acting high and mighty about a vow commitment from a couple who dated for 10 years before having to get married vs she who dated a guy for a month or two, got married at this huge ceremony her parents paid for (we still have our savings for the VC), got divorced and is planning another wedding. What I don’t get is why the hate towards a re-commitment. Why should we wait for a milestone when we dated for so long vs. others who haven’t known each other long and have the big thing. What makes them more deserving when we went through so much together? Is it the years together that is important, the days we fought, laughed, failed and won or does it count once we were announced to be man and wife?
Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t a “I didn’t get MY day” thing. I felt bad about our families not being there, we aren’t having a “second wedding” because some of the aspects of a wedding won’t be there such as throwing the bouquet.
Maybe I am wrong maybe I am stupid and tired because its a long night but these are the things I think of.
Post # 3
don’t let your ‘friend’ bring you down – you guys are totally entitled to celebrating your union with family and friends!
Post # 4
Why are you letting her opinion bother you? It’s your relationship. You can do whatever you want!
Post # 5
I usually wouldn’t let this bother me but she is one of those people who can say a certain thing that sticks in your head.
Post # 5
Why are you comparing yourself to her at all? It doesn’t matter what she’s done or how she feels, do what feels right for you and your husband. If you want to have a VC, go ahead and have one! If your friend insists on raining on your parade, she isn’t really your friend.
Post # 6
Don’t let her words bother you! Do what you want!
Post # 7
@Doralise: Don’t let your friend bring you down. Who cares what she things. Some women will get touchy at these situations, but who effing cares. If they are losing sleep over it then it’s probably time for therapy.
People get married at the courthouse and then have a big ceremony and reception later ALL.THE.TIME. The world hasn’t ended as far as I know. Do what you want to do.
You will always have people who say, “Oh, as I guest I would be so upset if it wasn’t a ‘real wedding'” Well tell them to get over themselves. It’s not about them.
Post # 8
@Doralise: “No one deserves the right to have a grand wedding but she did and yet grudges me my VC.”
This part of your post really confuses me, I dont get why you think no one deserves a grand wedding and I definitely dont understand why you need her approval to do your vow renewal/vow commitment. If you want to do it then do it.
Post # 9
@bells: I worded it wrong (its 4am where I am at) I meant to say that a grand wedding isn’t a right, but rather a privledge. Like, its not a necessary thing but its still a wonderful thing. That is how I feel about the VC like its not something we HAVE to do but something we WANT to do. No one HAS to have a grand wedding to be married but its a wanted and beautiful thing.
Now let me go into the history of me and her. All our life we were sister-friends. This sounds nice but like sisters we squabbled. When I got married she called and said ” Well, there goes your idea for a wedding” I felt a little blindsighted and didn’t know how to react. It’s also like that one statement opened a can of worms between she and I. I tried to talk to her about a VR but she waved me off. Then she said she wouldn’t go because it wasn’t a “real wedding”. When I looked over plans with my friends she said “Oh you can’t have that. You are married” (wedding cake) “You can’t wear that you are married” (wedding dress). She is an old friend who knows how to sting. It wasn’t JUST her approval or opinion that bothered me, it was more the way she said it.
Also, I feel a little frustrated because I feel like we got married why have something like this? Yet another voice in my head lists why to have it so her statements was just adding fuel. It’s a weird situation.
Post # 10
@Doralise: Wow. Sounds like your friend has some issues around weddings, generally. Honestly, it reads like she’s feeling jealous and competitive – maybe because you have something (a solid relationship?) that she doesn’t.
I say ignore her and do what makes you and your husband and your families happy. There are all kinds of ways to celebrate love, and no one has a monopoloy on the right way to do things.
Post # 11
A lot of people (myself included) only believe in having one wedding to the same person. Your JOP was your wedding, and by wanting another one your essentially devaluing it for all those who choose to just have a JOP. A lot of people also believe in making adult decisions, which means not rushing into things, but eh, we’re human, we err.
Personally, I would find it odd to go to what I though was a vow renewal, and see the bride in a full ball gown, complete with a large bridal party and daddy giving her away, etc. Just because in all reality, it’s just a show, you know? I think there is a right way to do a Vow renewal though, and it seems like that’s what you’ve got in your head, so if you want to shut your friend up, get her to site some facts on why you can’t have a celebration with your family on your recent nuptials.