(Closed) High Number Of Sexual Partners

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Judging someone over their past is completely shallow in my opinion. 

I’ve had a decent amount of partners, and so has Fiance. 

All of my mistakes, my triumphs, and roads I’ve traveled, have led me to exactly where I am, right now. Had I done ANYTHING different, I probably wouldnt be here. Which means, I probably wouldn’t be getting married to a wonderful man, who accepts me for exactly who I am, flaws and all.

Post # 17
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m around 40.  Age 46.  Haven’t been asked for my number since I was about 24.  Nobodies business but my own.  

Fiance has far less than me, around about 15.  I only know cause he told me, I didn’t ask.  I’ve slept with two virgins (long term relationship with one) and both times it was crap. 

I do know information about FI’s past sex life that I really wish I didn’t.  He was a bit loose lipped when we were first together.  I told him that discretion is the better part of valour (in rather stronger terms) and that he owed his previous partners some privacy, particularly as some of them are still part of our extended social group.  

I truly think that you don’t have to know everything about a partner’s sexual past. 

Post # 18
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s something that should be discussed at all. It’s none of anyone’s business and makes no difference. Provided you have a clean bill of health, who cares if the number is 2 or 72? 

Post # 19
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would never date a guy who had been with several people, that’s gross and obviously don’t have a good view of sex. DH and I have only been with each other and that was important to me. 

Post # 20
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think the number is more important for younger couples. I met DH when he was 36. By that point, the number just doesn’t matter anymore. As people mature, I don’t think they waste time imagining their SO with other people.

Post # 21
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I usually say past is past. However, the full answer is… it depends.

If my partner told me that they had had relationships with men in the past, that wouldn’t necessarily be a problem for me, but I would want to be sure in my own mind that they weren’t (for example) gay and in denial… I mean, I would want to know that they were certain of their sexuality and comfortable with it, and that there wouldn’t be any barriers to our own relationship.

If my partner had children from a previous relationship, I would want to make sure that there wasn’t any sort of irresponsibility there. If there were 3 kids with 3 different mothers, I would want to know why, for example.

Likewise, if I was with someone who had been very promiscuous, I would want to understand whether this was a phase, how old they were when they were with most of these partners, and whether or not some of them overlapped (attitudes to monogamy, long term relationships, and how they viewed sexuality as a function of personhood).

Basically, there’s very little which would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, and I don’t especially enjoy quizzing partners and giving them the fifth degree (so I don’t). However, when things come out naturally during the course of a relationship, I think it does help to try to figure out the context, if you think there may be clues in their past which may affect your future. In this case, it’s not their “magic number” which is of interest, but the circumstances surrounding it.

PS I think the nephew in this scenario needs to deal with the insecurities which are making him hop from bed to bed, because if a partner said to me “oh, I slept with over 100 women, but it was because I worked for the military and felt like I needed to “keep up” “, that would be a huge red flag for me. It shows a profound insecurity and immaturity.

Post # 22
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

For me, it would honestly be a concern. I view sex as something intimate that should be shared within the confines of mutual love and trust, and I don’t feel that 45 partners meshes with that idea. I could maybe get past it, though, if our current values aligned. Not all my past behavior was wonderful, and acceptance goes both ways.

Post # 23
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

If DBF had a high number of past sex partners when we met, it would have changed things. Admittedly, I would have been pretty reluctant to start a relationship with him if he had tons of sexual experience. But that’s mainly because we met in high school – if he had, say, 50 partners when we got together when he was 16, I would have been quite intimidated by that number of partners combined with his age. Keep in mind that all throughout high school, sex wasn’t on my radar as anything I was ready for, so there would probably be a disparity in how we view the role of sex in relationships, too.

However, in reality, DBF and I became a couple with essentially no sexual experience. He had barely given other girls pecks on the lips; I had never been kissed at all. Needless to say, we had no prior sex partners. This inexperience has factored into our relationship’s trajectory, at least intimacy-wise. For example, nearly two and a half years in, we still haven’t had sex. DBF and I are ready for it now, but just like when we first started making out, we still need to figure out how it works. If I were with someone with more sexual experience, it probably would have happened closer to six months in, when I thought I was ready.

Despite its importance in my experience with DBF, I generally don’t think discussing “numbers” in-depth is necessary. I believe it’s wise to get a rough idea of your partner’s sexual experience, and approximate numbers of past partners can be helpful in that regard, especially if they are on the low side, but exact numbers shouldn’t be provided unless offered. I also agree that all of this should come up at the very beginning of the relationship, so both parties know what they’re in for when they get STI testing done.

Post # 24
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I really think that if you have an issue with being with someone with a high number, then obviously someone with a high number isn’t for you. It simply means you’re incompatible. If its that important, then you ask on the first date, especially if its a deal breaker. This way, no one invests their time in something that wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. If you fall in love with someone, then find out after a few months that the person used to be promiscuous, and you break up over it, then the love was never true to begin with. 

The past is something you cannot change. You either accept it and make the future better, or you don’t.

Post # 25
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

I never used to care about numbers, but my ex used to kick off and sulk like a baby because is been with 1 more person than him. His number was 8 at 29 years old and mine 9 at 22 years. He would say that he should of been with more people because he’s a the guy. 

I guess it made me insecure about numbers because I did really cheekily ask my current SO on our first date. He found it funny and teased “that’s a little personal” I got embarrassed and kicked myself he then told me anyway. He said 9  (10 including me now) he’s 26 and I’m now 23 and asked me mY number I told him.

I think if your the type of couple comfortable sharing that info than hats off too you. Me and SO     share that type of info all the time and it works for us 🙂 

But I think a substantially large number would bother but I think only 1 partner before me would equally bother me. SO drives me crazy in bed and practice makes perfect! 

Post # 26
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

We’ve been open since the start, as we each shared our “number” and were tested for STDs before even kissing–and testing is something I think EVERYONE should do before ANY new relationship. (It’s fast, inexpensive, and relatively painless, and remember you can get oral herpes from even a chaste kiss.) So I knew he had far more partners than I did. Honestly, what bugged me more than his number was his lack of long-term relationships. Where he’d had more partners, none of his relationships lasted more than three months. I had fewer partners, but I had several multi-year relationships. But being completely open and honest helped me understand why his relationships never lasted and took my fear away. Having those conversations wasn’t exactly fun, but we’re stronger for it. Now the only problems we have, 1.5 years in, is running into one of his exes. Lol. 

Post # 27
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I honestly do not care how many people SO has slept with before me. We’ve never discussed exact  numbers because it doesn’t matter one bit to either of us, however I do know his number is higher than mine (both double digits)  Both of us are in our early 30’s, we’ve both had multiple previous partners before we met, and that’s totally fine. I don’t regret a single one of the experiences I’ve had, and I’m sure he doesn’t either. The experiences we’ve both had previously have made us who we are today.

I think the way we both feel now is like we went out and had our fun in our teens / 20’s and we’re now both ready to commit to one person for the rest of our lives without feeling like we missed out on anything. I don’t feel even remotely jealous of the girls he’s slept with before me – I’m reaping the benefits of the tricks he’s learned now!!!! 

 

Post # 28
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
MrsN14:  See, I don’t think that having been with multiple partners inherently means the person “doesn’t have a good view of sex,” whatever that means. They may not share your view of sex, but that doesn’t mean the way they experience sex is bad or wrong, just maybe not for you. People who have had many partners can still have healthy views of sex.

Post # 29
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

View original reply
MrsBagel:  “If its that important, then you ask on the first date”

I really, really hope that nobody takes this advice. Ever.

My magic number is minute, but if someone asked me what it was on a first date, I’d assume they were some sort of nut job and probably attempt to escape immediately.

That’s just not something that normal people ask on first dates. I mean, it’s important to me to be with someone who has at least a moderate religious faith, but I don’t go around asking people I’ve just met “soooo…. how often do you attend church then? Were you baptised?”. I don’t ask them that, because that would make me seem crazy.

So, whilst I understand the thinking behind your idea… it’s a terrible idea nevertheless!

Post # 30
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I’m with everyone who says it’s an odd thing to ask. I, personally, would rather not know just how many partners my DH had had. I don’t think it is overly high, simply because he has always been in a series of pretty longterm relationships over the past 12 years, coupled with his lack of experience when we first were intimate. He has always had clean labs (as far as STDs go), which we both required of eachother prior to beginning unprotected sex. Otherwise, the actual number and/or any other dirty details really aren’t any of my business. 

I think any woman who dates a single man who went into the military at such a young age, should probably be naive to think that he hasn’t been with an abundance of women… While there are exceptions, it usually comes with the territory. 

The topic ‘High Number Of Sexual Partners’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors