(Closed) High Number Of Sexual Partners

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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Rachel631:  if its something that is a deal breaker for you, then why wouldn’t you ask immediately? There are women saying it makes them uncomfortable and “not good enough”. Why would you put yourself through that? What if you fell in love with someone who was completely anti-religion, only to find out after you’ve already fallen in love? 

I guess ” the first date” is a little extreme, but really, it should be discussed before becoming exclusive.

Post # 32
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1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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Rachel631:  Agreed. I’d be pretty freaked out if a guy asked me that on the first date. That’s a pretty solid way to not get a second one.

Post # 33
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595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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spiffanee: true, hence my correction above your post.

Post # 34
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

glad you agree 🙂

Post # 35
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290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Rachel631:  Yeah it’s not the number that is weird in this situation, it is the “keeping up” mentality.  That’s what would make me give the guy the side eye.  Also, I haven’t asked anyone about numbers since I was like 18 years old so that would mean he had to just admit it to me unsolicited.

FTR, I am early 30’s.  I would never dream of asking for numbers at my age.  I haven’t been asked about it in a really long time.

IMO it doesn’t really matter as long as everyone is healthy.  I’ve never heard of that coversation ending well.  However, 18-20 year old partyplanner would have asked.  Part curiousity and part insecurity.   

 

Post # 36
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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MrsBagel:  I say it because finding out about your partner should be an organic process, not a job interview or military basic training. I’m sure the average person thinks they have lots of deal breakers. Heck, if you went back in time and asked me to write a list, DH would have at least two of them (both political).

The reality is that if you get to know someone organically, there are actually very few true deal breakers.

However, giving someone a huge interrogation early on in the relationship sounds like a good way to have them flee to the hills.

Example: there was a thread on here before in which a large number of bees said that they could never be with a bisexual man. However, I can guarantee you that anyone who said early on to a potential partner “just for the record, you aren’t bisexual, are you?” would probably not be seeing them again… because asking that type of thing is just a bit weird and creepy.

Unfortunately for some, these things do have to be discovered more naturally…

Post # 37
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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Rachel631:  this post specifically asked if finding out your partner had a high number would change your feelings. Some women are saying it would. If youre sure that would change your mind after being engaged, then I believe you should find out long before that happens.

Post # 38
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Or what if people just didn’t ask at all and then didn’t have to worry about it. Hmm…

Post # 39
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I talked to a  guy for a while who had been with 50+ people (we are early 20s). I’m not one to judge someone based on their past or hold their past against them, but for some reason that was really uncomfortable for me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why though. Maybe it was because he said it was his past, but it was only like 3 months since his last girl. It’s not like he had a wild high school then realized it was wrong when he got to college and then changed. althoigh he had made it clear that he wanted a relationship, not sex with me, it was still too recent of a past for me to get over.  

It was also hard living in a small town, so literally everywhere we went, there were girls that he had slept with there. It was awkward for me! And a lot of them he still hung out with as friends. 

As much as I hate to say this, I tried to date him, but just couldn’t get over that. I had insecurities of if we stayed together, would he be ok only being with me forever? Or would I be good enough for him? Or would there be people from his past everywhere we went? 

There were other contributing reasons why I had to break up with him, but that part was really hard for me to get used to. 

Post # 40
Member
1842 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My partner and I both have relatively high numbers, with his being higher than mine.  I’d rather be with someone with a high number when I have a relatively high number, because I have been judged by dudes in the past for it (which I think is ridiculous).  Sometimes I get sad at the number of people he’s been with and thinking about the situations he’s been in, but I know he also feels the same way about me.  I can’t get upset about it because we’re both adults.  I enjoyed my life before him and I don’t think that’s any reason to hold something against me, or him either.  

He’s from a smaller town, and he was known as the guy that would give you a good time, but wasn’t dating/marriage material based off his number alone.  He was thankful that I didn’t pre-judge him like that.  He actually prefers to be in a relationship than sleep around so it’s not even true.  People who have slept with a relatively high number of people have the same wants and needs as everyone else.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  Lavender28.
Post # 41
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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spiffanee:  “Or what if people just didn’t ask at all and then didn’t have to worry about it.”

This. I think of myself as fairly open minded, but I have to say that if my partner announced to me that they’d been with 250 women, 10 men, a pair of siamese twins, and a goat, I could well be having second thoughts (which might be a shame, because it could well have all been in the past etc etc changed man).

I would certainly be calling up the RSPCA animal cruelty hotline about the goat, anyway…

Post # 42
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Rachel631:  solid chuckle @ the goat comment.  

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  .
Post # 43
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

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SprinkleDonut:  My partners sexual encounters number would not bother me. As long as I know what his intentions are from the get-go and that he is clean and clear from all STDs, we’re good. We both can’t erase the number of people we have been with. Not does it matter in this present moment what the past dictated. We’re together and happy now. That’s all. Plus, I have a high number, so judging others for that only makes me a hypocrite. I can definitely understand though how it would feel to have never had sex and be with someone who had sex with multiple people. If that aspect is mportant to someone, then their partner should match what you are looking for.

Post # 44
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I understand the don’t ask don’t tell thing, but personally I’m super nosy, and I know all about my DH’s sexual history. My DH’s number is 4, and mine is 8, but I never had a particularly long term relationship before him and he did have one so I think he had had sex more times than me. Honestly, I think anyone can find something to worry about in a new relationship, whether it’s sexual experience, romantic experience, experience being an independent adult, etc. The right person will work with whatever it is. I’m DH’s longest relationship now, the only one he’s ever lived with or married, and we’ve spent so much time getting to know eachother’s bodies, we’re able to have the best sex we’ve ever had.

Post # 45
Member
7552 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

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MrsN14:  I would never date a guy who had been with several people, that’s gross and obviously don’t have a good view of sex .

 

thats pretty harsh and judgmental, don’t you think? Gross? Obviously doesn’t have a good view of sex? I’m glad you found someone who shares your values, and didn’t end up with someone who thinks sex is nothing to be ashamed of and  isn’t into slut-shaming.

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