Post # 1
I joined the Bee yearsssss ago when I was planning my wedding and always found it to be a great place for tips and advice. My marriage did not work out and I have been separated for 2 years. I recently met with an attorney to initiate divorce proceedings as I will not be reconciling with my husband.
My “problem” is this:
When I was in high school I met a boy….my first love…first sexual experience…first of many things. It was a sweet first relationship. I loved him for years and never stopped though the love took different forms over the years. We split when I left the country and our lives went in different directions but we would communicate with each other from time to time. When we were 21, we were both single and dabbled with the idea of dating again but then his career took off and he was super busy; and I had to return overseas for more study…so timing was off…and it has been off ever since.
When I was 30, I met someone who I ended up marrying. I had cold feet and second thoughts about marrying this guy but I ignored my gut and the red flags and married him anyway. When my first love found out, he congratulated me but seemed very sad. Out of respect for my marriage (his words), our relationship changed and we spoke even less than before. Well, we recently crossed paths when he heard about a project I am undertaking as he asked to be a sponsor. This project was a dream of mine since I was 16 and I was touched he would be willing to help and I told him so. He said “I know how much this has always meant to you and it would be an honour of mine to help you bring it to life.”
Long story short, we have been catching up since then. He has told me about a bad relationship he got out of a few years ago and told me he is talking to someone right now but taking it very slowly as he doesn’t want to be hurt but that he doesn’t even think it makes sense talking to her as he believes he is destined to be alone (He’s never married or had kids). He said that he is really happy for me that I found good love again with my husband. It was at that point I told him that I am separated. I gave him no details as to why but he said he was sorry to hear that. I told him I am good and it’s all for the best. At a recent meeting with some others to discuss the project (and the first time I have seen him in person in about 3 years), he was telling the others in the room how we met and how much I meant to him all his life and what an impact I had in making him the person he is today (He is very successful in his career, Bees). He told them about how I helped his self esteem issues, opened his eyes to new experiences, stole his heart, etc. After the meeting, he gave me a huge, long hug…and I felt soooo many warm and fuzzy feels…so much love. To be honest, I felt that way during the meeting just being around him again. When he got home, he sent me a message telling me that I will always be special to him and he will always love me; and that there is a part of his heart that noone has been able to penetrate because it’s always been reserved for me.
I don’t even know what my question is but the reality is…I have always seen him as the one that got away or let me get away. I have always felt like we had unfinished business. It seems silly writing this cuz we were together 20 years ago…but I have always wondered…what it would be like if I ended up with him. When my husband and I moved into a home together he made me get rid of all the cards and special gifts from exes. I really didn’t want to get rid of them as they were a part of my story…and I remember feeling really bad getting rid of the tangible memories of my first love…I even got teary eyed during the process. I should have never married my husband…period…and in retrospect…feeling so badly to let go of the stuff from my ex was probably a sign too. Lol. So happy I took pics of some of the letters and so on. Lol. Sue me!
But yes…should I leave my first love alone? Respect the fact he’s seeing someone…..or put my full cards on table and tell him I have no plans to reconcile with my husband and I would like us to see where we can go? Or should I just let things unfold however they are meant to?
I really hope I explained this well enough. Tried to be brief but I hope u guys can get where I am coming from.
Post # 2
Ahhh the first bloom of love for the past. My question would be this. How would you feel if the person you were seeing was gushing over someone else they had a history with? How would you feel if it were your boyfriend who recently started a project with his first love?
If he was to stop his relationship with her to begin one with you, could you really look yourself in the mirror? What about his integrity? Will you ever wonder if he might start seeing someone and put you on hold to make that leap?
He is taking things slow in a new relationship. I wouldnt get involved in that. You are still remembering him from your high school days, and while I think its nice to reminiesce, you have to understand that you and he are not exactly the same people you were back then. You have different experiences.
I would step back and let him figure out his current relationship. If it doesnt work then fine you have an opening. If it does work out with his current love interest then you know it wasnt meant to be.
Post # 3
I don’t think there’s any harm in being honest with him about your feelings, Bee, just so long as you’re sure that they’re authentic and not the result of needing someone through the difficulty of the emotional turmoil in your life right now. You don’t want to involve him in your life for the wrong reasons.
Tell him you know you’re in a difficult spot right now, being separated and coming out of a rough marriage, but that you have (describe feelings) for him, and that has been a constant throughout the years.
Let him know that you respect that he’s talking to someone and will continue to be respectful of that if the relationship with her continues, but that in the event it doesn’t end up being the right fit for him, you’d love the opportunity to revisit the idea of each other.
Don’t get your hopes up about him ending a potential relationship *for you*, but it does sound like it’s a very new, non-exclusive thing. He’s not off the table. In today’s world and modern dating, “talking” is basically hanging out without any commitment.
The time is now, Bee. If you’re going to say something, do it, before he’s introducing you to his new gf a month and a half from now because you didn’t show your interest.
If things do develop, take it SO SLOWLY. This is something I feel like you do need closure on, but don’t rush, or you’ll self-sabotage.
Post # 4
princessanon0125 : I wouldn’t feel great about any gushing but please keep in mind that it started with him. I also would have no issues about my bf starting a project with his first love if she was truly in the past. For some reason, the stuff he has said to me kinda makes me feel I’m not quite in the past for him. Maybe I should have added more to the story concerning the stuff we discussed like him saying he thought I was truly over him and that’s why I ended up married to someone else…and me replying by telling him that I thought he was over me and riding high with career so I figured the idea of me and him…of us…was truly in the past.
They aren’t in a relationship…just dating…but I do get the points you made. Both he and I are the type to play it kool re the other’s love life and not overstep so I suppose if it’s meant to me it will be.
I just don’t want regrets…or for him to think that I plan to reconcile / prefer to keep him in the past. Don’t want to say nothing as was always our way…but I get u. Lol. Ohhh, the matters of the heart!
Post # 5
OP, I want you to think ahead. It’s your last day on Earth. You’re thinking back over your life. What will you regret? Will you regret laying things on the line and telling your friend how you felt, or will you regret not saying anything and not knowing if you two could have made a go of it?
He’s only dating the other girl, they’re not serious or in a relationship. You don’t need to stay quiet about your feelings if you don’t want to.
Post # 6
I would put it very respectfully “I know you’re seeing someone and I respect that fully but if things don’t work out for some reason I’d like to take you on a date.”
Post # 7
schooldaze : Lay your cards out on the table. He’s not officially and exclusively dating someone; he’s talking to someone and slowly considering a relationship with them, even though he’s still obviously hung up on you. It’s going to be better for this other girl if all this happens now before she gets too attached, plus neither of you are doing her any favors since he’s not really emotionally available for her.
Life is too short to let this guy slip away again.
Post # 8
princessanon0125 : Aren’t you be concerned about the new girl he’s talking to? It’s obvious he’s not over OP, and still holds a torch for her and “has a part of his heart that only she can breach” and all that. It’s going to be better for this other woman if she finds out now that the guys she’s talking to is not emotionally available.
Post # 9
I’m definitely against getting in the way of an existing relationship, however, you’ve made it clear they are only seeing one another so it doesn’t sound too serious. Based on conversations you and he have had, I say let him know how you feel. There’s history between the two of you, and you both clearly care deeply about one another. There is a very good chance he feels the same way that you do and if neither of you are willing to speak up, this potential relationship may slip away again. If it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t have to live with the “what if”. Sometimes you have to just go with your heart. Now that I’ve gotten the hopeless romantic out of me, the only thing I’d think about is whether or not the possibility of things not working out would negatively impact your ability to work together on this project. Even with that said, I 100% say go for it and please keep us posted! <3
Post # 10
I second what slomotion : said. I would try to keep the relationship/feelings out of the board room though while discussing the project he’s helping sponsor. Business and pleasure should be separate. You might also want to prepare yourself for him to not return your feelings (sounds like he does have some feelings though!) because you risk losing a sponsor on the project if it goes sideways. I’m cheering for you though, this is a sweet reconnection story.
Post # 11
schooldaze : I got the warm fuzzies reading this!!! Tell him how you feel and keep us updated no matter what!
Post # 12
bouviebee : The feelings are authentic and that’s the scary part. I suppressed them a lot throughout the years. I don’t have my hopes up but I would date him again in a heartbeat. He’s a really good guy.
psyche1978 : I would regret not saying anything…and not having another proper chance with him. He’s had my heart for years. Sigh. Just never knew he still felt the way I did…
slomotion : That’s all you would say…no lead up? Short and to the point like that?
knotyet : I am leaning towards saying something but struggling with the how. Hmmm…
danibee5683 : The project and working together would still be safe even if we don’t rekindle a romantic link. Don’t forget that he came on board due to our past connection. I may just feel a little rejected but business is business and I have a good poker face!
tobeornottobe7 : Other persons on the project are peers and mutual friends so it’s not a stuffy boardroom situation at all. It’s a laid back, casual vibe and no topic is off limits after we get the business out of the way!
Post # 13
This is like a Hallmark movie..a second chance at love!! I would say something.
Post # 14
Usually, I feel that relationships from the past like this are overly romantisized and that the reality won’t live up to the fantasy. However, in this case, I can’t see any major downside to gently pursuing this. Ask him to dinner and see where it goes!
Post # 15
Yeah but I’m to the point. I ain’t got time to be pussyfooting around.