High vs Low Sex Drives

posted 11 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

bridetobe2018 :  Oh SUSH! It’s her post about HER, duh! 

 

OP have you explicitly told him that you need to feel lived loved and cherished in order to feel in the mood? Also I experience this with my husband as well. We have great sex but we so go through dry spells as I have a disorder that causes cronic fatigue. What I have found works for us is an over all reduction in the amount we have sex but depending on if I’m in the mood or not we can have sex that is oriented toward the goal of him orgasming essentially as soon as possible, or I can decide if this time I want to orgasm too. 

 

I know it sounds odd but with my low sex drive (at times) I might want to go several weeks without having sex. And that is not fair to my husband. It works for us because we both get what we need while making small compromises. But my husband does understand that I need to feel loved and cherised so he is always willing to go the extra mile to make me feel special when I ask for it.

Post # 4
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to consider both of your needs. 

It sounds like you’re asking your fiance to jump through a bunch of hoops to get you in the mood to have sex.  What have you done to get yourself in the mood?  

Do you initiate contact, ask to go on walks, plan dates? 

I suggest checking out r/deadbedrooms on reddit. It’s kind of a dark place (imo), but somewhere where you can check out how your fiance may be feeling. Being rejected by one’s partner consistently can leave one feeling very unloved. 

As someone who has a higher sex drive than my SO I couldn’t imainge being patient for months. April is 4 months ago!  

Though something to always consider are the issues outside of the bedroom? Lack of sex drive could just be the canary in an already bad situation. 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

misstomrsbrittanylin :  do you mean to say that when your not in the mood you have sex with the intention of making him orgasm asap? Or that’s even when you are in the mood? If it’s the first one, that may work for you but I wouldn’t suggest the OP consider that a solution. Sex isn’t supposed to be a race. It should be something that brings you closer together, even if some times are quicker than others. 

I feel like this post isn’t so much about your lower sex drive as it is you feeling dissatisfied with the amount of attention your SO is giving you. Does he feel like you’re not having enough sex? Why don’t you try having a designated “date night” that you agree is distraction free (no cells/tv). Then finish off that date night with some hot sexy time.

Have you asked for something like this before? If you have and your SO isn’t interested, you have a bigger problem than differentiating sex drives. Marriages take even more effort as time goes on. 

Also want to say that “date nights” don’t need to be expensive, elaborate plans. Go for a picnic, go ice skating/rollerblading/biking, play a board game, cook and have supper at home, etc. 

 

Post # 7
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Hubby and I are pretty well matched, but we go through phases where I definitely have the higher drive. If I go for too long without hubby trying to initiate, I will stew in my frustration until it eventually boils over. I’ve also unintentionally turned him down a few times without realizing it. We’ve talked it out several times, and it just boils down to the fact that both of us are pretty subtle in hinting when we’re in the mood and not mind readers. If I want sex, I literally have to spell it out so there’s no question, and vice versa. Haha, very romantic I know… But still, there’s no misunderstanding or hurt feelings.

You may just need to explain to your fiance that you sometimes miss hints when he’s trying to be subtle. As for your own sex drive, you need to have a calm, rational, sit-down conversation with him outside the bedroom about both of your needs and how to find some compromise. Try to establish a standing date night or two for that connection you need, but also try to understand his point of view on the issue too. Hopefully you can both come to some agreement that meets both of your needs for pleasurable, consensual sex.

If that doesn’t work, there may be other issues in the relationship (e.g., communication) besides mismatched libidos. I hope things get better, Bee.

Post # 8
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I recommend the book Come As You Are about female sexuality.  Needing to feel loved in order to be turned on is totally normal.  Also stress can naturally decrease sex drive.  Second the advice of making sure he knows you need to de-stress and feel connected before you will be in the mood sex.  

Post # 9
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

We had some misunderstandings regarding subtle come-ons, so now we have a wall calendar where either of us can put up a heart sticker on days we want it. Not a solution for the mood issue for you, but we’ve found it to be a great solution to clarify the question of “are we cuddling just to cuddle, or cuddling leading to something”.

Post # 10
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

Maybe I am misreading, but it seems like the reason your sex drive is low is because you aren’t getting your emotional needs met by him. I really think he needs to work on giving you what you need emotionally, not just for sex – but for your relationship in general. If he isn’t willing or able to do that, I would question whether he is a good fit for you. 

Post # 13
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I wouldn’t say my husband and I have mismatched sex drives. More that our work schedules are so different, sometimes I’m in the mood but he’s tired/stressed from work or vice versa. As a joke when I first moved in, we made a cohabitation agreement to have sex at least 3 times a week. Sometimes, one of us invokes this clause as a reminder that our needs have not been met. Try to have sex with him whenever he initiates even if you’re not in the mood. 

Post # 14
Member
3852 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I read something once that said men tend to want sex in order to feel connected to their partners, whereas women tend to want sex when they feel connected to their partners. Obviously that may not always be the case but I’ve found it to be true in my relationship. I.e. when we feel distant, he wants sex to fix that whereas it’s the last thing I want! Maybe if you explain something similar to him he will feel less like it’s a personal rejection of him? I do think if you make it clear you need more connection and give concrete examples like cuddles, turning off the TV half an hour earlier, regular dates etc. then he needs to be making efforts to do that. And obviously if you see him making that effort then you make an effort for sex. It’s a really tricky one. Perhaps you could also try to commit to sex, say 3x a week for a while and see if he starts responding to that emotionally. Maybe it’s a case of someone has to start first?

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