Post # 1
who here has recovered from a mismatch in sex drives? what did you do to get both partners on even ground?
This has been our fourth fight since April about this. I’m stressed (work, wedding, travel, family, etc) and I’ve been begging for connection (turn of the TV, lets eat a meal together, let’s talk about anything while cuddling). He finds limited opportunities for sex that make me feel like a token (literally right before bed after spending an evening paying attention to other distractions).
He will shut down for half a week, snap at me and wonder what my deal is with my attraction to him. I ask for more communication, dates, walks, anything to get me in the mood. I looked up low sex drive and I feel like I am asking for the normal things. The issue is not my lack of attraction to him. He’s smoking hot! The issue is everything outside of sex that leads to a more enjoyable sexual relationship!
Bees, I am over being the broken one here, even though I’m sure that a low sex drive is a normal, if not temporary spell. What can I do?
Post # 2
rockclimberbride : pretty much just sounds like you you You here.
Post # 3
bridetobe2018 : Oh SUSH! It’s her post about HER, duh!
OP have you explicitly told him that you need to feel lived loved and cherished in order to feel in the mood? Also I experience this with my husband as well. We have great sex but we so go through dry spells as I have a disorder that causes cronic fatigue. What I have found works for us is an over all reduction in the amount we have sex but depending on if I’m in the mood or not we can have sex that is oriented toward the goal of him orgasming essentially as soon as possible, or I can decide if this time I want to orgasm too.
I know it sounds odd but with my low sex drive (at times) I might want to go several weeks without having sex. And that is not fair to my husband. It works for us because we both get what we need while making small compromises. But my husband does understand that I need to feel loved and cherised so he is always willing to go the extra mile to make me feel special when I ask for it.
Post # 4
I think you need to consider both of your needs.
It sounds like you’re asking your fiance to jump through a bunch of hoops to get you in the mood to have sex. What have you done to get yourself in the mood?
Do you initiate contact, ask to go on walks, plan dates?
I suggest checking out r/deadbedrooms on reddit. It’s kind of a dark place (imo), but somewhere where you can check out how your fiance may be feeling. Being rejected by one’s partner consistently can leave one feeling very unloved.
As someone who has a higher sex drive than my SO I couldn’t imainge being patient for months. April is 4 months ago!
Though something to always consider are the issues outside of the bedroom? Lack of sex drive could just be the canary in an already bad situation.
Post # 5
misstomrsbrittanylin : do you mean to say that when your not in the mood you have sex with the intention of making him orgasm asap? Or that’s even when you are in the mood? If it’s the first one, that may work for you but I wouldn’t suggest the OP consider that a solution. Sex isn’t supposed to be a race. It should be something that brings you closer together, even if some times are quicker than others.
I feel like this post isn’t so much about your lower sex drive as it is you feeling dissatisfied with the amount of attention your SO is giving you. Does he feel like you’re not having enough sex? Why don’t you try having a designated “date night” that you agree is distraction free (no cells/tv). Then finish off that date night with some hot sexy time.
Have you asked for something like this before? If you have and your SO isn’t interested, you have a bigger problem than differentiating sex drives. Marriages take even more effort as time goes on.
Also want to say that “date nights” don’t need to be expensive, elaborate plans. Go for a picnic, go ice skating/rollerblading/biking, play a board game, cook and have supper at home, etc.
Post # 6
APancakePrincess : What have you done to get yourself in the mood?
This is where I need help. I reach out for conversation, friendly touches, alone time, a night out, but if it’s been a couple days (we go about once a week), he will be very distant and won’t acknowledge that these are my attempts to satisfy both of our needs.
To all, I am very aware of how this is making him feel and it is damaging our relationship. He is angry at the rejection and I have to try to “get my act together” in time to avoid being snapped at. I don’t enjoy having sex as a means to avoid anger. It’s a Catch-22 and it is not enjoyable.
ETA his attempts can be subtle and I reject him without realizing it. We cuddled for an hour one morning and then I wanted to get up to get ready for a meeting at work, but apparently that just ruined his attitude for the whole week. It was time that I very much enjoyed spending with him, but it just wasn’t enough for him.
Post # 7
Hubby and I are pretty well matched, but we go through phases where I definitely have the higher drive. If I go for too long without hubby trying to initiate, I will stew in my frustration until it eventually boils over. I’ve also unintentionally turned him down a few times without realizing it. We’ve talked it out several times, and it just boils down to the fact that both of us are pretty subtle in hinting when we’re in the mood and not mind readers. If I want sex, I literally have to spell it out so there’s no question, and vice versa. Haha, very romantic I know… But still, there’s no misunderstanding or hurt feelings.
You may just need to explain to your fiance that you sometimes miss hints when he’s trying to be subtle. As for your own sex drive, you need to have a calm, rational, sit-down conversation with him outside the bedroom about both of your needs and how to find some compromise. Try to establish a standing date night or two for that connection you need, but also try to understand his point of view on the issue too. Hopefully you can both come to some agreement that meets both of your needs for pleasurable, consensual sex.
If that doesn’t work, there may be other issues in the relationship (e.g., communication) besides mismatched libidos. I hope things get better, Bee.
Post # 8
I recommend the book Come As You Are about female sexuality. Needing to feel loved in order to be turned on is totally normal. Also stress can naturally decrease sex drive. Second the advice of making sure he knows you need to de-stress and feel connected before you will be in the mood sex.
Post # 9
We had some misunderstandings regarding subtle come-ons, so now we have a wall calendar where either of us can put up a heart sticker on days we want it. Not a solution for the mood issue for you, but we’ve found it to be a great solution to clarify the question of “are we cuddling just to cuddle, or cuddling leading to something”.
Post # 10
Maybe I am misreading, but it seems like the reason your sex drive is low is because you aren’t getting your emotional needs met by him. I really think he needs to work on giving you what you need emotionally, not just for sex – but for your relationship in general. If he isn’t willing or able to do that, I would question whether he is a good fit for you.
Post # 11
sadie15 : Thank You for the book recommendation. I downloaded it on my phone and I’m about 40 pages in. Learning a lot! I loved the illumiation on the role of the sexually responsive rather than the expectation that I have to be equally driven to initiate in order to be a good match.
peachybee88 : I would hate for this to be the case, because I know we can work this out once we are able to see (and agree on) the cause of the problem. What I am finding is that a low sex drive is the product on many symptoms and yes, some of them are his failure to meet my needs, which I’ve made known.
He asks what I am doing to address those needs of mine (am I starting the conversations, am I suggesting dates, etc) as if there is also a simple solution to my half of the deal. He is thinking simply and with a narrow idea of what sex is and it’s purpose. If he’s getting some, we don’t have a problem in his eyes. If he’s not than he is hurt and frustrated and it’s not the same hurt and frustration that I am experiencing (but yet, it is…).
Im going to continue this book and see if he is interested in reading it too.
He is a great guy. I am the only person he has ever been in a serious or sexual relationship with and these are difficult things to bring up if you don’t know what you want or how to ask for them. He has done many things to show that he is going to be a great husband for a lifelong marriage. We just need to get better about raising these concerns and solving them.
Post # 12
He ordered a paperback copy of Come As You Are and he is willing to try a calendar to remove the mysteries in our subtle hints. I’m sad that it took four nasty blow ups to get to this point but I’m really proud of us for humbling our stubbornness. I’m happy that there is now a willingness to try new things to solve the problem(s).
thank you Bees!!!
Post # 13
I wouldn’t say my husband and I have mismatched sex drives. More that our work schedules are so different, sometimes I’m in the mood but he’s tired/stressed from work or vice versa. As a joke when I first moved in, we made a cohabitation agreement to have sex at least 3 times a week. Sometimes, one of us invokes this clause as a reminder that our needs have not been met. Try to have sex with him whenever he initiates even if you’re not in the mood.
Post # 14
I read something once that said men tend to want sex in order to feel connected to their partners, whereas women tend to want sex when they feel connected to their partners. Obviously that may not always be the case but I’ve found it to be true in my relationship. I.e. when we feel distant, he wants sex to fix that whereas it’s the last thing I want! Maybe if you explain something similar to him he will feel less like it’s a personal rejection of him? I do think if you make it clear you need more connection and give concrete examples like cuddles, turning off the TV half an hour earlier, regular dates etc. then he needs to be making efforts to do that. And obviously if you see him making that effort then you make an effort for sex. It’s a really tricky one. Perhaps you could also try to commit to sex, say 3x a week for a while and see if he starts responding to that emotionally. Maybe it’s a case of someone has to start first?
Post # 15
We just had dinner together without the TV and I am over the moon happy 🙂 We talked about dumb things we did in college that the other didn’t know about, we talked about his sex drive and how it’s timed and what intensifies it and we talked about our wedding next week and he was able to voice some things that were making him anxious. We worked through it and I think he’s finally showing some excitement 🙂
I know that’s a lot of gibberish, but I am so happy at how well things are turning around.