His 2nd my first.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I personally tend to have reservations about 10+ year age gaps, but I’m going to try to answer your question under the assumption that your relationship is healthy. The key thing to remember here is that while you may not be his “first”, you are his “last” and that is arguably much more special.

He’s had a life before you, he’s dated before you and loved before you, but after all of that he’s chosen YOU to be the person he commits to going forward and he is entering this union having been with the wrong person before and hopefully having learned a lot from that process. He’s entering it with eyes wide open. That should make you feel pretty darn special.

Post # 3
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn

His first marriage was when he was very young and so was she. It turned out to be a disaster. I don’t really think much about it to be honest and it doesn’t bother me. I’m 38 and he’s 35 so at our age it’s not an uncommon thing unfortunately  He makes me feel special and like I’m his first one 😁

Post # 4
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee

I am engaged to someone and I will be his second wife (we also have a 15 year age gap, I am 37 and he is 52).  It honestly doesn’t even cross my mind or bother me that he’s done this before.  He also has 2 older children with her, which is something that we won’t ever have together, but it’s a non issue.

Everything we do is new and exciting.  We don’t have the same relationship and our wedding will be different and our adventures and time together are special even if he’s done it before.  For instance, we are going to Maui in a few weeks and they had their 10 year anniversary trip there.  Doesn’t make our trip any less special because he’s been there before with her.  

Your life with your fiance is ALL new.  You aren’t her and you should actually be happy that things ended with her so that you can now be together.  

Post # 5
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
sboom :  I’m very interested in what your reservations are about 10+ year age gaps.  No snark, just an honest question.

Post # 6
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I am engaged and my Fiance will be my second husband. I know it sometimes bothers him that we’re not experiencing this new phase of life for the first time together, but just because I’ve done this before doesn’t diminish how damn excited I am to be his wife. I got it wrong the first time. But you can bet your bootie I got it right this time and I am SO incredibly excited about a future with this man, knowing he will be by my side for a really long time. Besides, my relationship with Fiance is so different than my relationship with my ex. Our wedding and more importantly, our marriage will be very different and that’s what matters.

Does going to a travel destination with someone who’s been there before make it less exciting? For me, it makes it even more exciting because they know the do’s and don’ts, they know where the good places to eat are and the best views. I would have loved to experience this for the first time with Fiance but I learned a hell of a lot in my first marriage and I’ll be bringing those lessons with me to help me build the healthiest marriage I possibly can. That’s not necessarily a bad thing!

Post # 7
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
sharpshooter :  I just find that a lot of times when there is a large age gap there tends to be some particular power dynamics that I don’t find healthy. I find it less of an issue as the age of the younger one increases, so I’m certainly less concerned about a 26 year old with a 36+ year old than I am about a 20 year old with a 30+ year old. It just seems that because the older partner has more life experience, the younger tends to be more deferential than they perhaps would be with a partner closer to their age, and sometimes the older partner takes advantage of and encourages that. The younger has less confidence in their opinions and the older one then takes control and has the final say on joint decision, etc. Again, this is definitely more of an issue the lower the age of the younger partner.

Post # 8
Member
10351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Did you happen to post this the other day? There was another now deleted post about the same thing and there was the same age difference. 

Post # 9
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
sboom :  thank you for explaining.

Post # 11
Member
7333 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Not a first marriage for me or my Fiance — those marriages ended for a reason (or a lot of reasons). We are together because we make each other happy. I’m excited to be his second (and last) wife. 

Post # 12
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Second for him, first for me. Frankly, not really anything I thought about. His first marriage was short lived, they were separated longer than they cohabited, and they had no kids. There was nothing to navigate in terms of being a step-mom or having an ex still in the picture. I’m happy in our healthy relationship. Exes are exes for a reason. 

Post # 13
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

My DH is my second husband. But in every way that matters, he is the only husband that matters. Our marriage and our relationship is everything I have ever wanted. I would hate for him to EVER be sad that he wasn’t my only husband. I am sure your fiance feels the same way. 

Post # 14
Member
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sure he’s not your first boyfriend, does that make him or your relationship less special? That’s the way I’d look at it. 

Post # 15
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

This will be my first wedding and his second. I always forget he was previously married. And it doesn’t matter. It ended because of how toxic it was. Luckily no stepchildren to worry about as well. Like a previous poster said, “exes are exes for a reason.”

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