(Closed) His 4 member family vs. my 58 member family

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: FI is concerned that his 4 member family will be drowned out at our wedding.
    FI's concerns are legitimate. Here's a suggestion: : (6 votes)
    10 %
    FI's concerns are legitimate, but what you're doing already is enough. : (31 votes)
    53 %
    FI is worrying over nothing! : (21 votes)
    36 %
  • Post # 3
    7219 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @castaway83:  Oh geez. I have no suggestions, but want to follow along. My SO has a grand total of 30 people to invite (including friends, most of which are now “our” friends, but started as his). Meanwhile, my family alone is 190. 

    Post # 4
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’m the person with less family attending–maybe a whopping 20% of our guest list is people for me. I’m fine with it. My family sucks–just being honest–and his is wonderful and supportive. So it doesn’t bother me. 

    Post # 5
    1710 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

    We invited 190 people and 76 are coming to the wedding…only 10 of those are on FI’s side. They are his parents and sister (who is a BM) and his GMs, with their spouses. Not much you can do…we had to pay for his family to come to the wedding too. I know he wishes more ppl would come but it’s not going to ruin his day!

    Post # 6
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I am worried about something similar…more people were invited from my side just because there ARE more — family friends, relatives, etc.  His parents had no one they wanted to invite besides family, and four of his family members sent their decline today.  I’m worried it’ll seem like more a party for ME than for US…=(


    On the other hand, the day is about the both of us, and we will have a rocking good time!

    Post # 7
    1514 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @castaway83:  I’m actually in the opposite situation.  We’re getting married in my fiance’s hometown (only because we happen to live here and it was just easier to plan something where we live).  Most of his family lives in the area (or within 1-2 hours), and his family is huge.  His mom is one of 10 kids, and his dad is one of 3.  For the most part, his aunts and uncles have married, had kids, and some of those kids have had kids.  

    My family, on the other hand, is tiny.  My parents are divorced, and I don’t speak to my dad or his side of the family.  My uncle is divorced and has never remarried.  My grandmother passed away a few years ago, and my grandfather is too ill to travel 1000+ miles to attend a wedding.  (He likely won’t even be able to attend my cousin’s wedding in my hometown [where he lives] that will take place a couple of months before mine.)  My cousin’s fiance (who will be her husband by the time my wedding rolls around) may not be able to travel for the wedding either because he’s still finishing out school and may be unable to take the time away.  So my family guest list is: mom, uncle, cousin (who will be a bridesmaid), cousin’s fiance, and grandfather.  Of those 5 people, it’s very likely that only 3 will be able to attend.

    When we were making our guest list, I made a joke about the fact that my fiance’s list makes up at least 75% of the invites.  But … It actually does make up about 75% of the invites (if not more).  

    Sometimes it makes me a little sad, but then he points out the fact that I have a lot more friends than he does and that if he didn’t have a gigantic family, his guest list would be smaller than mine.  I don’t think it will really matter who has more guests in the end.  Hopefully he’ll realize that as long as the people you love and care about are there to celebrate with you, you’ll have an amazing time (whether that means 2 people or 200 people). 

    Post # 8
    1150 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    @castaway83:  we have pretty much the EXACT same situation.. I have a huge family and he grew up in a different state and isn’t close to any of the extended family so they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. He comments all the time that our wedding will look hileriously one sided but to be honest, i’ve never noticed the difference between each side of the family at any wedding i’ve been to.

    As long as you don’t have ‘his’ and ‘hers’ sides at the ceremony, everyone will mingle and it should be fine πŸ™‚ have you maybe considered one of those signs they always have on pinterest along the lines of ‘as two families become one, we ask that you choose a seat and not a side’ – could be a nice way to affirm that everyone is celebrating as one big family πŸ™‚

    Post # 9
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    You plan sounds great.

    My first Wedding (circa 1980) was a similar… not a lot of folks came from my Hubby’s side.

    It was mostly my relatives and our University Friends.

    It all worked out in the end…

    I do think tho that a lot of that success can be attributed to the two sets of Parents themselves.

    My folks and his were in touch some before the Wedding (despite having never met before)

    They did exchange a letter when we got engaged… his Mother writing to mine (traditonal etiquette) to say how happy they were at the Engagement, and to have me soon be part of the family “You have a lovely daughter… yada, yada, yada”

    My Mom called his Mom after she had chosen her gown (traditional etiquette) so as to inform the MOG as to the style, colour, formality etc.

    Leading up to the wedding they talked on the phone a few times… about details.

    His Mom phoning my folks…

    “Is there anything we can do to help”

    “Would it be helpful if the Invites were couriered to us for our side of the family… then we can mail them from here… and save on postage… quicker turn around etc”

    And working out the details for Registry Notes

    “Do you know what they’ve received so far… I’m trying to coordinate our side of the family who has a lot of Questions as we are all so far away”

    Advice on Flights, Transportation and Hotel Accommodations

    And also info on where in town they might hold the Rehearsal Dinner, and to double check that their Guest List hadn’t left anyone important out of the mix from our side of the family (such as an older relative, honoured guest etc)

    Like yourself we incorporated those our own age who did come, into our Wedding Party

    And we had both Wedding Pictures done… as well as some family shots to on the Big Day

    His family flew in a few days ahead… and got a grasp for the lay of the land, and who all the key players were

    And at the Wedding they were of course honoured Guests (last seated before the MOB as per traditional Etiquette)

    And we too had a Parent’s Table… Mine, His, the Officiant & his Wife.  Seemed to work well.

    It all went off without a hitch.  Everyone warmed up to everyone else.

    And before we zipped off for our Honeymoon, we snuck back to my Parent’s home the next morning for a late bite (and open a few presents)… and not long after were greeted by His Parents who had arrived to say their fond good-byes for the great hospitality (classy)

    It was all very nice, and cordial, and at least looked like the two families had gotten off to a good start (friendly enough)

    And I think all the concerned parties… Us, My Parents, His Parents, and our Siblings all did great.  Wedding turned out as hoped (or even more)

    Hope this helps,


    Post # 10
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    What if someone from his family reads out messages from those who can’t come?  Or puts together a video of their well-wishes to play at the reception after the speeches? You could even talk to his parents about it and see if they can organise it as a nice suprise for your Fiance on the day πŸ™‚

    Post # 12
    8679 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @castaway83:  i have a very small family, (mom, brother, great aunt, great uncle, and 5 cousins plus spouses)  who are invited to the wedding.  i am also inviting friends and my mom’s friends.  my Fiance has a huge family and a lot of friends. 

    we have 130 people invited (45 of them are my invites).  i’m not worried about his side taking over.  this is a wedding celebrating the marriage of my Fiance and me and everyone is there for us.



    Post # 13
    18 posts
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Yeah, we’re definitely in the same kind of situation. My half of the guest list is twice the size of my fiance’s. I’m super close to my family, but I had to cut my cousins off at age 21+ (since I’m one of 60 grandchildren on my mom’s side), and even with that, my family makes up over 100 people invited.

    I think my Fiance was a little uncomfortable with it initially, but realized that my family is about to become his and his mine, so I think he’s come to terms with it. I doubt we’ll have a bride’s side and groom’s side for the ceremony, which I think will also help balance things a bit.

    Post # 14
    944 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I only have two family members coming to my wedding – my older sisters. My mother and her entire family (aunts/uncles/cousins) are deceased and I don’t keep in touch with my dad or his side of the family. Fiance has aunts, uncles, tons of cousins, nephews, nieces. Sigh. I ended up inviting former work buddies and friends on my side.

    Post # 15
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Incorporate traditions from his family, foods, dances, etc into the wedding and tell him that his family is no less important than yours.

    Post # 16
    11272 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @castaway83:  my dh only had 3 of his family members at our wedding.  the rest are in england.  we didn’t have “sides” at the ceremony and they blended just fine with the rest of the guests.

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