- 4 years ago
Going anon because I love my SO and desperately don’t want anyone I know to chance finding this, but I need advice. I’m frustrated. I work a fifty hour week. My SO and I don’t live together; he doesn’t drive and only works part-time but it’s enough. We each still live with our parents though we’re at the age we should move out. I don’t want to live together unless we’re engaged. I plan to move out myself by the end of the year.
We’ve been together two years and sometimes we have the potential to have a long happy life together. Other times I know I couldn’t deal with his addiction ten years from now. In short, my heart would like to marry this man, but my head is too sensible to do it while he’s still smokes pot because I would make us both miserable.
He suffers from anxiety/depression, which he is on meds for. When he sees his doc it’s just a quick in and out appointment and he’s usually done in fifteen minutes after confirming “everything’s good”. Except I see my SO and he doesn’t sleep well, he doesn’t function as well as he should (/as I think he can, even with the anxiety, I’ve known him to be better), and often if I don’t just lead everything (like figuring out what to eat/do) he’ll break down. Often to him just the idea of deciding on a tv show and watching it seems overwhelming, but on the days I manage to persuade him to he does enjoy himself.
Yesterday I was just too tired to make dinner so we didn’t eat and he got upset that I was upset/hungry and it snowballed into a big anxiety-ridden cryfest.
Yesterday afternoon he was having a bad day and he got some more weed from one of his dealers. I think this contributed to his being unable to either help me or to calm himself in the evening. He has cut down on his use considerably, in part because I hate it, and in part he says for his health. He was a “wake & bake” chronic stoner. Now he still smokes (pretty much daily), but he’s smoked since college (a decade). I can’t marry him if he smokes, which I’ve told him, because I hate it and find it too hard worrying about his health and everything surrounding the drug (cost, smell, taste, if we had kids, his health issues, his sketchy & annoying contacts).
His psychiatrist doesn’t know he smokes weed. I feel it’s half the problem. He stays with his parents in their messy (boarding on hoarderish) home by himself, and he has taken comfort in weed in the past and for a long time to escape. His parents have turned a blind eye to too much and have probably hindered his growth as an adult, and his psychiatrist just doesn’t have all the facts to be able to help.
I love him so much, and he loves me “more than anything”. I wish he had more self-love. He’s kind and funny, handsome, and can be so sweet. He’s genuinely good-hearted. I don’t want to break up with him, I don’t want to end what we have, but I can’t live like this forever. I need a number of small changes: more help, him to quit- is it possible?
Part of his lack of motivation? is surely weed-induced, part must be anxiety. I am unsure how much is anxiety so I find myself getting upset that it might be weed, which isn’t fair.
I know they say you can’t change a person… but surely you can help? At what point is it changing someone and at what point is it helping them? He is a good man.
My SO and I both need a better life. I think if he gets his own place it would go ages to help, but I don’t know if he’s mentally ready to make the decisions necessary to actually do it.
I don’t know how to help. Or how to cope. Or something. Advice of any sort?
Do any of you have experience/advice for dealing with partners with anxiety/depression or addiction?