(Closed) His anxiety and addiction… (long)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

His psychiatrist definitely needs to know that he is a heavy smoker. There is a chance that it is, in fact, the weed that is causing a lot of his problems. While it’s usually fine in moderation, there are a range of risk factors (smoking from a young age, smoking a lot, having bad mental health to start with) that can lead to serious mental problems. Unfortunately, he seems to hit all of them.

Has he ever taken a break from smoking for a few weeks to see if his anxiety gets better or worse? There is unfortunately a chance that he has permanently affected his brain development, but it is still worth a try.

If he is truly an addict, you should think long and hard before joining your life with him. He sounds like a lovely guy underneath, but being married to an addict (of any kind) can be a walk into hell. As much as you may want to help, he has to make the decision to quit himself or it’s never going to stick.


Some people experience very unpleasant psychological effects when they use cannabis, like severe anxiety, paranoia or panic. Generally, people who start smoking cannabis when they are teenagers, and smoke heavily, are more likely to experience negative effects. Heavy or frequent use of cannabis may also lead to depression in later life, particularly for women.

But some people have a greater risk of developing mental health problems than others. Cannabis use may trigger psychosis if, for example, you have a family history of mental illness/schizophrenia.

Cannabis can also make symptoms worse in people who already have depression or schizophrenia. A lot of people don’t realise that it can also increase anxiety. Some people attempt to deal with their depression or anxiety by smoking cannabis to ‘escape’. What they later discover is that their problems are made worse. If you have depression, cannabis may seem to help ease it before the effects of the drug wear off. But after that, using cannabis can make the depression worse. Cannabis can also reduce your chances of recovery from a psychotic episode.

Post # 4
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@anonabee201403:  It sounds like he needs a caretaker (can’t make dinner? can’t even pick a TV show?), and it sounds like he’s not ready for a mature, adult partnership. If you can’t see yourself living with him, as he is, long-term, then I think you know what you need to do.

That said, it sounds like there is something you find appealing about his dysfunction. You wouldn’t be staying in this relationship (and you wouldn’t have chosen him as a partner) if you were truly unsatisfied. Maybe seeing him still living with his parents makes you feel better about your situation? Maybe you want to save him, and get an emotional charge out of helping him? Maybe you are attracted to the drama? Maybe you don’t think you deserve an emotionally healthy, stable man?

If I were you, I’d consider counseling to try to figure out why you’re choosing this relationship. If you heal the parts of yourself that are keeping you in this situation, then your relationship woes will heal, too – either you’ll realize that you deserve better than this man, and you’ll feel comfortable leaving him (most likely outcome), or perhaps your own self-growth will inspire him.

I don’t believe that you can change other people – only yourself. Good luck to you!

Post # 6
435 posts
Helper bee

@anonabee201403:  He needs to be honest with his psychiatrist. My SO has been a chronic smoker, and his lack of motivation plus weed has caused a ton of problems that he’s dealing with now and trying to put his life together. It sucks. He’s finally at the point where he hit rock bottom and is planning on getting help for his depression and making real plans for life.

His schedule right now is just part-time work so he’s still smoking a few days a week but not when he has things to do. He knows that if it gets to the point where it’s interfering with his life again, I will not be ok with it. I would never marry him if he didn’t have a handle on it, and I don’t think you should either. It sounds like your SO has a long way to go before he is capable of being a functioning adult and in a healthy relationship. If he does not feel the need to change, he will not. I’ve tried to change my SO for so long and it wasn’t until he really felt the necessity himself that he decided to change.

Post # 8
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

There are many different strains of cannabis and if it is not medicinally legal in your state/country he should not be buying it from a dealer – he should be purchasing it from a dispensary with a written note from his doctor. There ARE strains that help with anxiety/depression but it’s not a one size fits all.

Post # 9
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Ugh. Ok……let me get mentally prepared for this…

My Fiance and I are everyday tokers. And for the record are very productive members of society. 2 jobs + Grad school kind of productive…so I feel a very specific way when people link being unmotivated to pot smoking.  I feel if you are a person who is generally unproductive, the weed isn’t MAKING you unproductive. ..so there is that.

That being said I want echo some of the PP’s and say that if his psychiatrist isn’t aware of ALL of his habits he can’t help him.  So maybe the first step in helping your SO is to get him to come clean with his doctor to make sure his meds account for his “Alternative Medication”. 

Letting your partner know what you can and can’t deal with is so incredibly important before getting engaged.

And really if the Pot is a dealbreaker for you, you have to be very clear with him about it.


Post # 10
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

@anonabee201403:  People who have issues such as your SO…can change (I’ve seen it). But only if they want to. I think you know that though. My Fiance went through a rough patch of addiction during our relationship a long time ago. He became someone very different than who I fell in love with. I almost left him. But he did change and our relationship is stronger than ever (I know sounds cheesy but it’s true). I know what you mean by saying you know there’s another side of him..the side that made you want to be in a relationship with him in the first place. 

Hopefully he will see this behavior is wearing on you, and will start to make changes in his life. Whatever you choose to do with this situation, I hope it works out for you in the end.




Post # 12
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@anonabee201403:  you know, I can’t wait until it is legalized federally and I can just go to the sti re to purchase it like any other purchase ( or better yet, be allowed to have a personal plant in my home garden) because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the “criminal element”.  The longer the plant is categorized as illegal, the more crime will be connected to it. Please, I don’t like the character of my “guy”…hell, he doesn’t even like what he does, he’d rather be in school.

 I understand the shame he could be feeling, admitting to an athority figure you participate a vice (a lot of people do not admit they have drinking or cigarette problems) can feel shameful. But, if your SO’s problems are as bad as you state, he HAS, to be honest with his doctors, especially if the strand of budd you man smokes is conterintuitive to his meds. Otherwise you are lying about your history and could open youraelf up to complications later on. People feel shame, and thats normal, but the measure of a good person is to move past that shame. To own it. YOU DO IT. SO OWN IT.

As for my Fiance and I’s personal experience, weed is our only vice. We don’t drink or smoke cigarettes, which in my opinion is worse. I mean, if I bought a big ass bottle of vodka a week, no one would bat an eye, but I would be consuming a ton of alcohol! But if my Fiance and I purchase an quarter ounce of  budd and we become nare-do-wells. We do it because when you are as busy as we are, we don’t get inurance (thank goodness for obamacare), have to work 2 jobs and I don’t get paid vacation. Each toke is like a mini-vacation for us. It is how I wash away the workday and get my head right to do my homework (which I’ve always struggled with).  So, yeah we like doing it, but for us, there are more benefits.

Post # 13
2291 posts
Buzzing bee

One thing you can do is encourage him to tell his psychiatrist, and any other Doctors he sees, about his drug use. He might not do it, but at least you’ll have suggested it to him. 

Other than that, I think you should consider not being in a romantic relationship with him. If you truly want a better life for yourself, and for him, you may have to leave him.  

I know that’s not what you want to do, but sometimes the change we want comes from doing things we don’t want to. 

It may be in your best interest, and his, to not be together. 

Post # 14
2291 posts
Buzzing bee

@Penang1885:  This is great information.

Unfortunately, not enough people know this information or heed the warnings. 

Post # 15
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@anonabee201403:  Make him deal with his addiction first and foremost before planning a future with him. Anxiety can be treated but not if he’s choosing to medicate with marijuana. Give him 30 days to find and start substance abuse treatment or walk. Then make him complete it and be sober for at least a year before moving in together. Otherwise you’re wasting your time because he will never change. Don’t move in together before ensuring he’s not using because you would be opening yourself up to his sketchy weed buddies and potential arrest if he is buying and storing enough at home.

Post # 16
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@anonabee201403:  now if your SO is expressing to you tjat he doesn’t ENJOY the experience anymore and he NEEDS it, that sounds like a self-control thing, which is a personal problem. I am very strict when it comes to our household budget and so i know how much we were spending a month on it, and just like any other expense, it was time to pull back, like anything else. But, its helpful to the us that since it is something we both do, budd has moved from a personal expense to a household expense. But….we both do it, so there is that. I am sure you already feel this way, but you shouldn’t feel bad or like a party pooper because you don’t partake. Don’t feel that way at all.

Here is how I feel about it, and please bare with me… 

You know how people say it’s a gateway drug? I feel that, if you were a person who was going to be OK with doing harder drugs then you were going to that regardless of if you’ve ever smoked pot. I feel very passionately about personal responcibility. The same can be said for motivation. If a person has a disposition to be lazy (for lack of a better word) then weed will make them believe its ok to be lazy. I like to think I’m motivated. Of course weed doesn’t make me more motivated, salad and protein makes me more motivated, but I have problems relaxing, so for my personal situation (insomnia, low appetite and anxiety before I started smoking) it is beneficial.but your boyfriend is not me. He is also not my fiance. He is his own person with his own backstory, so if he is having these axiety, depression and motivational problems, also if isn’t even enjoying the activity, then maybe he should go to rehab. I say rehab because then he can leave his living situation ( if that is also causing him stress) and have access to doctors and therapists in a facility for a full 30 days, and he can get past the hard first week






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