(Closed) his bachelor party—disappointed…

posted 11 years ago in Parties
Post # 17
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh wow.  Yikes.  Honestly, if the wedding were further out, I’d say call it off or postpone.  He lied to you, completely disrespected you in multiple ways, ditched you, and, knowing how badly he hurt you, refuses to apologize.  That’s bad.  That’s real bad.  Being so close to the wedding I don’t know what I would do, but DO NOT let this slide.  I disagree that it’s small potatoes… he knowingly massively disrespected you, and refuses to apologize for it.

Post # 18
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I really don’t think you are being immature.  You got blindsided by this.  You have a right to feel upset.  I’m concerned:

1. That he wants to just blow this off and not talk.  Why?  Is he awful at communicating when you argue?  Does he know he really messed up and can’t face it yet….."It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry."

2.  That he seemed to agree with you for a long time.  Why didn’t he express his own feelings?  I don’t know if your guessing or if he admitted it, but it seems he went along with you just to keep from fighting.  But what did he think would happen once he actually went?  I would be concerned about his unwillingess to communicate.  It’s not like you never told him your feelings or originally said it was OK.  He tricked you, and won’t talk to you or apologize.  I’d be upset.

You’ve admitted it’s not like you are just goin to cancel the wedding.  You need to have it out.  (And go ahead and let him have his say about you being controlling.)  You’ve been together for awhile.  And you are planning to marry.  I would think it would be worth it to both of you to try to start your marriage off right. 

If he refuses, I think that gives you a lot to think about how married life will be for the two of you. 

Post # 19
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I do think the two of you need to have a very serious discussion about this. I’m not really in agreement with the other girls that this is a small potatoes deal. Setting aside the fact that he went to a strip joint, he lied to you and ditched you, doing something he agreed he wouldn’t do when he knew it bothered you. His attitude of agreeing with what you wanted and then doing whatever he wanted to do because you couldn’t do anything about it is dangerous thinking. He needs to understand that you don’t want to control him, and agreeing with you to your face and then doing the opposite behind your back is unacceptable – doing something like that completely ruins the trust you have built. Let him know you want to know his feelings and are completely open to compromise – he just needs to be upfront with you about what he wants rather than simply telling you what you want to hear.

Since this is so out of character for him, it could be that he’s nervous about the wedding. Especially if his friends have been saying anything negative (referring to you as the "ball and chain," etc.), it could be that he’s worried that married life will be different and you’ll try to "be in charge" all the time once you’re husband and wife. Perhaps you can approach your conversation that way – ask him if he thinks things will change when you’re married, openly discuss each other’s fears. Tell him you think the bachelor party was completely out of character for him, you never meant to control the situation, you wanted him to tell you what he wanted rather than just going along with what you wanted. You don’t want trust to be destroyed between you two and you don’t want resentment to build if he feels he has to "obey" you all the time.

Post # 21
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I want to clarify that my "small potatoes" comment was made before it became clear that he was plotting to have "this" bachelor party all along and lied about it.

I think the issue with the strip club is not a big deal but the lying/refusing to apologize when he knows he hurt you is a bigger deal and you should definitely discuss it tonight/tomorrow night. 

I am really annoyed at your guy and feel sorry that the week before your wedding is dampered in any way…..chin up!

Post # 22
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Please keep us updated. You are not being whiny or immature *at all.* You have every right to be seriously upset by this, especially by his refusal to apologize for upsetting you by lying about his plans and sneaking out.

Post # 23
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Frankly it kind of sounds like he knows he was wrong and doesn’t want to own up to it, so he’s placing the blame on you.   You are absolutely right to be angry in this situation!!!  You’re not being immature or selfish.  Maybe instead of bringing up the bachelor party as the reason for your anger- make the point that the lying and deceit are what are upsetting you, and see how he reacts to that.

Post # 24
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I can definitely understand your disappointment, as it seems that your grand plan didn’t turn out flawless and in part to your future husband.  It seems like you are the most upset with the communication loop that you were not in, but in the grand scheme of things both parties had fun.  Sure you ended up taking care of your future husband (but for better or for worse right)?

I am going to go against the grain and say that the week before the wedding is not the time or place to have a lengthy discussion about this especially if it is out of character for him; unless of course it is a "deal breaker".  It was likely a one incident event.  The week before the wedding is one of the most trying and emotional weeks you will experience, so surround yourself with love and support.  Your wedding will be beautiful and the bachelor party will one day become a story of entertainment.  Remember why you are marrying him the first place and that this will not be the hardest event you will have to overcome in your marriage.

Good Luck!

Post # 25
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree that, since you’ve said you don’t mind strip clubs, the most concerning part of this is that he went along with what you said, then did what he wanted behind your back.

If he thinks it’s a good strategy to agree with you to your face and then go behind your back about a bachelor party, what about agreeing to move for a job? What about buying a car or a house? If you’re planning on having kids, what about parenting decisions you two might make in the future? (I know more than a few dads who dispense candy like a machine and forget all about bedtime when they’re in charge – it doesn’t work well for the mom.)

The issue isn’t about strippers – it’s about communication, honesty, making decisions together and sticking to them. And if he can’t do that, he isn’t ready for marriage. I’m not saying he can’t – but he’s definitely  raised some suspicions, and you need to show him the bigger picture and ask if this is what your life is going to be like. Keep us informed, and best of luck!

Post # 26
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Absolutely WorcesterBride!  The issue that needs to be resolved is whether it’s okay (and I hope that you agree that it is not) for him to lie to you in order to get his way – because that’s basically what he did.  He "agreed" to a set of plans, basically to avoid any chance of you disagreeing with his actual plans, and then did whatever he wanted.  The part where he tried to justify it by texting you that you would have more fun this way anyway just makes it worse.  This is a really bad strategy in a marriage, and you should be asking yourself whether you can really count on him in regards to any agreement you make.

I also think, by the way, that giving up the rest of your evening to clean him up was probably a mistake.  I’m sure that he’s managed to avoid drowning in the toilet before.  It’s not like he had the flu or something – he purposely went out and got sh*t-faced drunk.  It’s not your job to clean up after him, especially after a stunt like that.  It might have taught him a lesson if you had tossed your stuff in your suitcase, walked out of the hotel room, and let him wake up in the morning wondering where the heck you were.  As it is, I’m afraid that what he has learned is that he can really get away with whatever he likes.  I would try really hard to correct that impression, as soon as possible.

Post # 27
Member
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Too add my two cents, I agree with what many others stated, that is isn’t so much about a strip club, but rather his actions of lying to your face, leaving you, etc.

Make sure that at your dinner tonight, you stay focused on those actions, and try not to make this a discussion about stip clubs. The most important lesson for your Fiance to learn is to be honest at all times & not be deceptive.

Good Luck!!

Post # 29
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I completely agree with WorcesterBride and Suzanno!  You need to make this conversation about the bigger things.  If he does something like this now, how will he handle the major issues that come up in a marriage?  Please make sure he understands your concern, apologizes for his dishonesty and promises not to carry this behavior into your marriage.  Don’t let him bring the conversation down to you being upset about a strip club, because that is SO not the point, and it won’t go anywhere.  Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Awwww @lic- try to regain control and calm down.  Set aside time to discuss this with him rather than talking to him about it piece meal.  He probably won’t react well to little snippets of questioning and instead you should just sit down with him and discuss all at once. 

Post # 31
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Lilc — did you talk on the phone, or face to face? Did the conversation focus on his deception, or just on the strip club (which isn’t the larger issue, even if it’s upsetting?)

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