(Closed) His brother confessed his love… a week before the wedding

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am sorry, but you need to tell your husband. If this were to come out down the road or not from you, that damage would be irreversible. Can you really image feeling so awkward knowing you kept this secret at evey family get together for the rest of your life?

Post # 4
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

the worst thing that you can do is let this situation put doubt into your mind about what you have with your husband. you made those vows to each other and you guys care for each other. ever heard about the 5 languages of love? for fun you guys should take the little quiz they have – it’ll show the different ways you communicate your love and then you can bring up how much you appreciate being complimented. i’m sure it’ll show that he shows his love by doing tasks for you. people are different and just because his brother showed his affection for you in a way that you respond to doesn’t mean he’s a better match or is attracted to you more than your husband.

as for your situation, try to forgive yourself. you were in shock, but you DID shut it down – end of story. how have you been interacting in the meantime? i would block him from the chat feature on FB so that he can’t engage you on there again and if he starts coming on to you again – stop it immediately and threaten to tell his brother that he is harrassing you. make it clear that you are not interested and will not put up with that shit. eventually you’ll both move past it and familial relations will go back to normal… it just takes time and both people letting go. good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@aka:

You know what? You handled that exactly right.

At the end of the convo, he said he was ready to have an affair with me. End of convo.

If I were in your place, I would have assumed that the whole list of things the BIL admired about me was a (weird) compliment intended to let me know that he was happy for his brother, and that he was happy to welcome me into the family.

You are not to blame for this man’s completely inappropriate behavior.

When you realized that your Future Brother-In-Law was hitting on you, you ended the discussion. Part of me thinks that your husband should know what a skeeze his brother is, but it’s your call–you know the situation. I don’t think you need to tell your husband that this happened if you think it will cause undue hurt, or if you think that it would backfire on you. The whole situation is a potential minefield. If it were me, I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up. It would just be too completely unbelievable.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You were the victim of inappropriate unwanted advances. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Post # 6
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t think you need to tell your husband.  But, I’m also not quite sure why you are beating youself up unless you have some deep, hidden feelings for his brother.

I see it as a flirtatous conversation with someone other than your husband.  Someone paid you a compliment (ok, tons of compliments) you accepted them and engaged in a converation.

Start pouring your energy into your husband and hopefully you can make this a distant memory.

And, when you see/interact with his brother in the future – be polite, say hello, but don’t entertain any in depth conversations with him.  It doesn’t take you to a good place, as evidenced in your history.

 

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My husband is a lot like yours, and my ex is a lot like your BIL. Do I sometimes wish my husband was more romantic? Of course. Every once in a while he will do things that makes my heart skip a beat, and I treasure it more because its so fleeting and few between.  I don’t think that you should beat yourself up about it, you were clear to the brother that you love your husband and that you couldn’t entertain something like this. I would just try to act as best you can like this never happend, and not speak to the brother alone again. I agree, telling your husband would cause a huge rift, and not something that you should do, but I strongly urge you to never speak to the brother about something like this again. He doesn’t need to know anything about your life with your husband besides what he sees for himself, and again, do not do anything alone with him

Post # 9
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m in the don’t tell your husband mentality. If his brother continues this behavior after you’ve told him you’re not interested then I would consider it, but what good could come of it? You have nothing to “confess”, and you didn’t do anything wrong. Just keep your conversation with you BIL to a minimum, and pour a bit more energy into your relationship with your husband.

Post # 10
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Elvis: Agreed.

OP- Don’t place so much blame on yourself.  You are complete correct in your thinking:

I have my guard up against the rest of the men in the world, but I was so shocked by those words from someone I trusted .


That is exactly how I view my relationship with my Future Brother-In-Law.  There is a trust that they would never go there.  And, he gave you some nice compliments and you said thank you.  Your thinking is correct – you shouldn’t have your guard up with a BIL, and he should’ve never put you in that position and vocalized the word “affair” to you. You did the right thing and ended the convo.

Men show how they care for their SO’s in so many different ways.  Your hubby sounds like he would give you the world if you asked for it – that’s romantic.

Post # 11
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You seem to feel so guilty about this, I feel like there is more to the story we are not hearing.  I could be way off base here, but that’s the sense I get from your post.

Post # 12
Member
46329 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The question that came to mind is ” Why after all this time, are you still saving this message?” You quoted it word for word.

Time to delete all this and move on. If you need to talk with someone, see a professional.

Post # 13
Member
6512 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Agree with PPs that said you didn’t do anything wrong – as soon as it was clear that he wasn’t just taking a compliment uncomfortably far, you shut down the convo.  Don’t feel guilty about it, just keep some distance between you and BIL. 

Post # 14
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree, I think that telling your husband may cause a lot of damage both to his relationship with BIL but also to your marriage. You’ve stopped the conversation. Maybe a bit late, but still you stopped it.

You haven’t cheated on your husband, not even emotionally (from what you’ve told us), so don’t feel so bad about it.

Post # 15
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@aka: I don’t think you should tell him because you did something wrong, I think you should tell him because if you don’t and he finds out, that would cause way more damange then what it is worth.

Would you want to know if the situation was reversed?

Post # 16
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@julies1949: good point. Message should have been deleted the same day, why save it unless you enjoy reading it?

The topic ‘His brother confessed his love… a week before the wedding’ is closed to new replies.

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