(Closed) His brother confessed his love… a week before the wedding

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok I don’t think you should tell your husband. However, and this is a big however, I think you are in the wrong too.

If the tables were turned, and my sister did this to my fiance, and my fiance still had an HOUR long conversation with her, and then called HER the next day to say he felt bad, I would be royally pissed at BOTH of them. At my sister for ever doing that to me, and my fiance for even entertaining that conversation.

But like I said, telling your husband will only hurt him. And if you truly want this to work out, think about this no longer, out it in the past, and move on.

Post # 36
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Tell him! Especially if you plan on keeping the message. I agree with @Elvis’s last post..if he finds the note and he doesn’t know your story, it will definitely blow up in your face. Honestly, your husband’s reaction might be a whole lot different than what you expect. What if his brother has done this before with other girls he’s dated? You never know. I don’t see why you won’t tell him unless you’re hiding something else..no offense. If you honestly didn’t reciprocate feelings or compliments to his brother, you should have nothing to feel guilty about and you shouldn’t be too worried about telling your husband. If you hold onto this secret, it can blow up into something that it’s not..and it’s really hard to fix that!

Post # 37
47256 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@aka: Months later this is still bothering you. I recommend you see a professional counsellor who will help you work through the decision making process on whether or not to tell your husband.

Post # 38
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How about this — would it be possible to frame the conversation with your husband as concern about his brother? In the sense of “I talked to [FI bro] the other day, and I think the wedding stuff is making him a little sad/broody about his own life. He was talking about how much he wanted to have the kind of relationship that we have, and how much he wished he could meet a girl like me. Do you get the sense that he’s doing OK?”

And go from there. In that case, you will have started a conversation with your husband about your brother’s behavior in a way that doesn’t make him OR you look bad, and doesn’t screw up the relationship between your fiance and his brother — let alone between you and your fiance! Starting the conversation now would be helpful in case his brother’s behavior becomes an issue later: “So, honey — remember before the wedding when I said your brother was acting a little weird?” But it does it in a low-key way, so that hopefully you can all just end up forgetting this as pre-wedding craziness. FINALLY, if the two brothers cooked up some bizarre scheme to test your loyalty, this would show your fiance that you trust him enough to bring stuff to him. That’s the point, after all — you love your husband-to-be, and so you guys deal with weird stuff as a united front.

Just an idea. Hope this all works out and that it really *is* just your fiance’s brother getting wigged out about his own life as his brother approaches this major milestone.

Post # 42
219 posts
Helper bee

I would personally tell my husband, I couldn’t keep something like that from him. And if say, he found out about it one day.. he would be more upset that I kept it from him then telling him right away.. not to mention it seems more suspicious that way. 
Another reason why I would tell him is because well, I love him.. and I would want him to tell me if something like that happened. Yeah, it could cause damage… but I rather not keep secrets from him. If he loves me then everything would work out in the end.

You did nothing wrong, but he still deserves to know. MHO

Post # 43
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree somewhat with everyone saying to share it with her husband, but I also wonder if thoroughly trashing the brothers’ relationship is worth it over a conversation.  If it were an affair, obviously, he’d have to know.  But if it was just a conversation, I’m not sure it’s necessary.  Is the point then, to show what a snake his brother is, b/c that’s what it would accomplish and how does that heal the marriage?  I think this is more about learning how to get her needs met through her husband, from her last posts.  Causing a family fued doesn’t really accomplish much, IMO.

Post # 44
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@aka: I think most women who have experienced betrayal struggle with this.  I know I do.  Honestly, I think you’d feel better talking to your Fiance about this.  This isn’t going to be the worst thing you face for the rest of your lives.  If you can’t be honest now, it won’t get better later.  And a lie of ommission is still a lie…

Post # 46
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think some people think affairs start because the other person isn’t (as you said it) “____”-enough. Be it romantic enough, or smart enough, or whatever.

I call BS and say that relationships are a two-way street. If you are finding that you need something from the other person, it’s your responsiblity to speak up and tell them. My Fiance is not romantic, he hardly ever compliments me on what I wear or how I look unless we are specifically dressed up for something. In that case, all he says is “Oh, you look nice.” NICE. That’s as complimentary as it gets. Whereas my friends and many guys will elaborate, blah blah blah. But I tell myself that it’s not because he doesn’t love me or because he doesn’t think I’m attractive. It’s just not his personality. I remember all the ways he shows me that he DOES love me. He cooks for me, he holds the doors for me, he picks up my dry cleaning when I don’t have time, he massages my feet! Sometimes he just looks at me in that way and you can’t even describe the look on his face–he’s just so happy.

But, I completely understand your sentiment about wanting to be swept off your feet. Most men don’t think of themselves as unromantic.

I don’t know if you should tell your husband. If he is close to his brother, then I would hate to taint their relationship in any way. I think if his brother ever tried anything or said anything else, it would be worth bringing up to your husband. I think you should just keep your distance from his brother. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think good friends pay each other compliments all the time and it’s normal…it’s just that his brother paid a few too many.

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