(Closed) His daughter first?!?!? Really?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I :
    a baby? : (32 votes)
    20 %
    justifies in my angst? : (43 votes)
    26 %
    Shut up and wait your turn!!! : (89 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Honestly, I wouldn’t be jealous.  Remember back to when you were 21.  How many people really know what it takes to make a relationship work at that age.  Not very many.  I know there are a few, but honestly, I’ve never met one.  Let your engagement happen when it’s supposed to. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    @Megan316: Well that’s a charming take on the situation.  “Don’t be jealous!  She’s young and her impending marriage will probably fail!  Yay!”  Really?

    OP: I understand why you’re frustrated.  When you’re waiting it feels like literally EVERYONE and their mom (in this case, daughter) is getting engaged except for you.  And the closer that person is to you or your SO the more frustrating it is.  It’s hard.  You’re in the right place.  Weddingbee has a really supportive waiting community, and I only wish I’d known about it when I was waiting.  Come and vent here so that you don’t take out your frustration on the people in your life–we’re happy to listen!  Make sure that you focus on yourself and your life while you’re waiting so that you don’t become consumed with the waiting process.  You’ll make yourself miserable that way.  Good luck!  And welcome to the Hive!

    Post # 5
    Member
    2262 posts
    Buzzing bee

    You are justified in feeling the way you do, waiting is hard. Especially when marriage is constantly in the talks, but nothing seems to be happening. Maybe you could have a talk with your SO, and see if you can work out a timeline, especially since time seems to be a factor to him? Anyways, I hope you don’t have to wait much longer & welcome to the boards!

    @mrsmdphd: Couldn’t say it any better than that! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3166 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @mrsmdphd: Well that’s a charming take on the situation. “Don’t be jealous! She’s young and her impending marriage will probably fail! Yay!” Really?

    AGREED.

    @BermyChick: I’m sorry that it hasn’t happened yet, but maybe that will get his gears turning! good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    785 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @Megan316:  Bitter, are we?  I’m happy to say that my cousin was married at 19 and 8 years later is STILL happily married with a beautiful baby girl.  My father was married to my mom at 23–and 25 years later they are still happily married! My Fiance is 21 and I am 22.  Do you think we are going to fail?  I would be a little more tactful about your choice of words–particularly since there are quite a few brides on here in the young 20’s age range.

    OP–I understand where you’re coming from.  My FI’s best friend got engaged about a year before we did–and he and his girlfriend had barely been together for a year.  It is so incredibly frustrating, especially when you KNOW that your boyfriend is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Just be patient.  Be happy for your future step daughter (or at least pretend!).  Be everything that a good step mother should be.  Forming these bonds now is so important to your future with your boyfriend–because it’s not just him that you will be marrying, it’s his family and his children too (so to speak!).

    I’m hoping things turn out wonderfully for you!

    Post # 8
    Member
    46376 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Of course you are justified in your feelings. Our feelings are what they are- we can’t help how we feel. How we act is another matter. Be happy for her as I hope she will be happy for you when the time comes.

    To come to megan 316’s  defense, she never said anything about the marraiges of young people failing. What I think she was saying was that young people tend to act faster, make decisions faster than older people, especially those who have been married before.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9029 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I dont know why everyone is jumping at @Megan316: she was stating her opinion which is often times the case. When I was 21 I thought I knew what I wanted but looking back now I realize how wrong I was. Theres nothing bitter about saying that older is wiser and that rushing into a marrage after only knowing someone for 5months is not exactly wise.

    @Oribel013690: Just because you were married at 19 doesnt mean its the ideal age for everyone to get married. So i really do not see your point at all.

     

    @BermyChick: I do understand that its frustrating but at the same time there is really nothing you can do about it except try not to let it show that you’re secretly jealous. Clearly your relationship isnt moving as fast as you want it to, you need to talk to him about it seriously and see if he even has a timeline at all.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3522 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @bells: I know a hell of a lot of older people who are definitely not wise, which is why the “older is wiser” generalization is offensive to young people who are mature and wise. It’s not like old = wise automatically. You can be wise at any age.

    OP – I feel for you! That must be really tough…but as much as I hate to say it, you can’t force these things. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen (groan, right?).

    Post # 11
    Member
    4521 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I don’t think @Megan316 said anything about hoping the daughter’s marriage will fail, guys. She’s just offering a reason why the OP shouldn’t be jealous. 

    Anyway, OP, don’t worry too much. You’ve only been dating less than a year, right? Everyone has different timelines. If he’s been in a serious relationship before and had it go badly (not sure if that’s the case), then he might feel extra-cautious. It sounds like everything’s pointing in the right direction for you 2. I’d wait it out a bit longer (but not forever, of course).

    Post # 12
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m not bitter at all.  And I didn’t mean to imply that the daughter’s marriage will fail.  Honestly, I’ve been engaged a couple of times, all when I was much younger and never ended up getting married because I rushed into things.  Luckily I was able to figure out that I was making a bad decision before hand and got out of the situation.  I’m not knocking young engagements at all.  As I said earlier there are some who are mature enough to handle adult life.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

    Honestly, I’d start dropping hints, and if he doesn’t propose by his daughter’s wedding (do you know when the date is yet?), stop hinting and start telling him you want him to propose (or do it yourself).

    Post # 14
    Member
    258 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @Everyone Flaming Megan316:  But remember that his daughter’s only been dating her bf for 5 months…At 21, I don’t think that’s quite enough time.  I mean…I think at least a year dating is prudent before getting married.  No?  I dunno, this is all In My Humble Opinion, so dont kill me over it. 

    When you (the OP) have put in as much time/effort as you have and someone else younger, whose put in even LESS time gets engaged while you’re still waiting for your bf to figure his 42-yr old self out.  It can be frustrating. 

     

    Idea:  MAYBE your bf KNEW about his daughter getting engaged and didn’t want to steal her thunder??  Maybe he’s wanted to do it, but of course as a father, he should put his daughter’s happiness first.  So maybe when things die down, you’ll be up next?!?! 

    Post # 15
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldn’t drop a single hint in relation to his daughter’s relationship or wedding. It’s his daughter, and quite frankly, blood is thicker than water. The only thing you should say to either of them is “congratulations!” I hate to sound totally harsh here but if you are going to be this girl’s step mother sometime in the future my best advice is to act your age on this one, focus on your own relationship and just drop it.

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