(Closed) His ex as bridesmaid instead of current girlfriend

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

I wouldn’t take it as a message that she doesn’t want you at the wedding. But I do see why you would be upset. It’s strange that the bride would ask someone she isn’t close to, to be in the wedding.

What does your boyfriend think about this? Is it possible the bride and the ex are actually good friends? I’d probably ask your boyfriend to talk to his sister, and figure out what’s going on.

Post # 4
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really don’t think it is a message that she doesn’t want you at the wedding..especially if you all have been dating 3 years. I’m sure there’s a reason she chose her that may not be personal towards you

Post # 5
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Have your Fiance talk to his sister.

Post # 6
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t take it personally as it may have nothing to do with you. Is your boyfriend’s child in her wedding party as a flower girl / ring bearer? If so, his sister might have chosen the ex to make the child feel more comfortable. Given that you are not yet engaged she may have thought that it was not appropriate to ask you. It might not be a situation where she is chosing this woman over you directly. I can see where the situation would cause you to be hurt but I would just make sure that she knows you are willing to help in any way you can. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable with the situation he should speak with his sister.

Post # 7
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I disagree with PPs that say that you should have your SO ask his sister.  She gets to ask who ever she wants without pressure from family. I wouldn’t look at it as her asking his ex instead of you. She just asked who she needed to ask. My SO and I have been together for 3 years, too and I certainly wouldn’t expect his sister (who is engaged, too) to have me in her bridal party. But I know she loves me and I will be honored to be a guest at her wedding!  Dont doubt your relationship just because she asked someone else to be in the wedding that you don’t think she should have asked. 

Post # 8
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I just wanted to add – the ex is the mother of the bride’s nephew/niece. Could they have a closer relationship than you think? Don’t take it personally, I’m sure your relationship with the bride is fine.

Post # 9
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Are you sure they’re not close? Perhaps they have maintained a friendship without you or your boyfriend knowing about it.

Post # 10
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Personally, I wouldn’t invite anyone who wasn’t related by marriage or engagement to be in my wedding… no matter how many years I’ve known them or how close they are to getting engaged. It’s not a slight on the girl, it’s more of that things do happen, and I’d rather have my wedding party solidified as girls who are active and permanent parts of my life (hence the small number).

Is this girl friends with the ex at all?

Post # 11
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think this has something to do with the fact that there is a child involved that the family is still in close relation with. Sometimes adding children to the mix complicates relationships. I wouldn’t take it personally. Sometimes people have a different relationship than we expect, you know?

Post # 12
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wouldnt make it a big deal but I do understand why you would feel sad/bad about it. I wouldnt suggest  your Boyfriend or Best Friend to talk to the sister either so no problems start. She probably just asked her to be a bridesmaid because of the child being involved… it practiccally makes them family if you think about it-

 

Are you guys pretty close though?

Post # 13
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’ve asked my brother’s ex to be in my wedding party because we are still really close (and they are still on good terms so no one minds).  Is it possible they are actually closer than you think?  Maybe they email/IM/text a lot and keep in close touch?

I wouldn’t have anyone mention this to her at all, by the way, I would just attend and try to have a good time.  Be happy that you’re saving money by not being a BM!

Post # 14
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There is still the unanswered question of the is the child in the wedding. 

Interesting situation here. 

You’re in a real sticky situation.  Cause unfortunately you’re a girlfriend living like a wife. Which impacts your state of mind on this issue.  Cause you feel like family, and they mostly treat you like family.  You know, until it really matters…like a weddings.  

Either way, given how YOU feel about being Part of the family, then wouldn’t you have the right to ask these questions directly to your BF’s sister?  It may be just me, but I’m direct in that fashion.  If I have a problem with someone, then it’s my responsibility to resolve MY problem with THAT person.  Not pawn it off on aother person. 

I had a converstaion with my brother’s gf (who I did ask to be a bm) about a very similar situation. 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also would not take this personally.  It’s really hard to know what a relationship between two people is like, and you’re obviously just not close enough to understand what’s going on. 

Personally, I would let it go.  But if you can’t-find a way for your fiance to to casually ask what is going on.

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@edub:  To clarify, I’m not suggesting that the family pressure the sister into changing.  My suggestion that Fiance talk to the sister is to learn why the ex was chosen.  I also think that if *FI* is uncomfortable with this situation, it is reasonable for him to express this feeling to his sister (after which she may do as she likes with this information).

While I think you should chose whom you like for your attendants, if it will make a close relative feel uncomfortable to have that person there, it is something a polite person would consider before making that decision.  For example, Fiance would not ask his father to be his best man, knowing that his father abused his mom.  (Note: I am not suggesting this is equivalent situation – I am giving an example from my personal situation to illustrate my point.)

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