His ex doesn't want to see me – what do I do?

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

duchessgummybunns :  Totally agree! I was with my ex 7 years and it ended much like OP, I have no desire to ever see him again. I especially don’t want to meet up once a year for coffee. Like, why? 


Post # 62
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I re-read this thread and I have to wonder… Could it be that your partner still harbors some feelings for Lisa? It’s just so strange that he still cares so much about their friendship after hurting her that much; and that you both want her involved in your lives (kids? weddings? really? -what are you planning on telling your kids? “Hey, Jimmy, this is the woman who used to be married to your dad until he met me”).

I am calling BS on their friendship and planting the idea that perhaps they still have feelings for each other. Bob still cares for Lisa more than just a friend, and viceversa (could be guilt, could be love, who knows). The grass is always greener on the other side, right? So maybe now he realizes how fun and exciting she is.

Otherwise, it just doesn’t make sense to me AT ALL. Think about it:

– He left her for you, probably breaking her heart and hurting her deep.

– He moved out of town (or she did…the point is that there is distance now), yet, everytime he travles back home he goes out with her (who cares who invites whom!). 

– He knows you feel uncomfortable knowing he is still hanging out with an ex who doesn’t care for you (I agree with Lisa on this), yet, he kept doing it for a long time.

– So long, that you are both going with a conselour…which means that you are probably facing a problem or hoping to solve some issues (could they be related to Lisa and his past with her?)

– I have to wonder…is his idea of sending that message to Lisa is to make her go all “nooooo, please, let’s meet, I don’t want you to leave meeee”; or just to finally be able to choose between you two? I fear that he hopes to threaten her enough so she will meet you, which again..it’s just weird. Why does he want that?

– Also, will he follow thro? Like, if she goes “Sorry, No, End of friendship”, is he willing to end the relationship with her? Will he avoid hanging out with her next time? Will he be okay ignoring her at the wedding?

– Finally…I am sorry, but I just can’t understand why he remains friends with her. I just can’t. If there isn’t anything that ties them together (kids, family, etc.), why remain friends with an ex you so easily trade for someone else and why insist on having her in your life unless you still have feelings of love for her/him?

Post # 63
1527 posts
Bumble bee

What’s normal is that his ex doesn’t want to see you, what’s not normal is your BF needing to talk to a therapist about his need for you and her to be friends, when you never see her. 

Post # 64
8762 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper


MrsMeowton :  It did come across as forced, but only because of the assumption that this relationship has to exist under any and all circumstances.

The fact remains though that Lisa is encouraging an inappropriately exclusive friendship. Regardless of how hurt she has been in the past, that is still not OK. It only goes to show that she is not ready for a real friendship with Bob and might never be. 

Now SO is saying if Lisa can’t accept them as a package deal when they are in town, he simply won’t see her at all. He’s prioritizing his SO, as he should be doing. If the two goals, avoiding hurting his ex and respecting his current SO are incompatible, current SO should be his first consideration. 

The issue I see is that OP and the therapist seem to think that a compatible friendship should be oh so easy to accomplish. 

Post # 65
3916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

weddingmaven :  Is she encouraging anything, though? I think she’s well within her right to opt out of seeing OP. Just as OP’s SO is well within his right to say “It’s both of us or nothing.” But, really, it seems odd that OP wants to go, have a brief interaction with this woman, and then leave them alone. It comes off more like, “Don’t forget that I’m here.” She, and her therapist, seem hell-bent on forcing Lisa to acknowledge that OP is now with Lisa’s ex. Like I said, Lisa is well aware and seeing as she is not calling him constantly, emailing him constantly, seeing him constantly, I can understand where she would want to just catch up with him and not have to sit through fifteen-twenty minutes of awkwardness just to appease OP and her therapist. 

She’s asking for “normalcy” in a bizarre situation that doesn’t call for it. I stand with the ex. She can be over the relationship and still not want to see OP because OP’s therapist thinks she needs to. OP saying that she and the ex need to “understand that we are both in Bob’s life, but at differing levels” is just ridiculous. The only one attempting to throw their weight around is OP and if it were Lisa trying to throw in the “we were together for nine years” aspect, I’d be siding with OP that this woman needs to cool it. But she’s not. She just doesn’t want to see OP and I totally get that. And OP’s SO is reacting accordingly. I’m not implying he needs to side with Lisa, but if he could acknowledge that the interaction doesn’t need to happen, especially the first time he throws it out there, that’d be great. 

Also, to a PP, it is absolutely entirely possible that Lisa can forgive her ex and still not want to see OP. It really just comes off more like OP is either feeling guilty or is feeling as if she needs to prove something to this ex. But either way, congrats, OP, your SO sided with you and probably effectively ended his friendship with Lisa. It’s a win-win for you, ya?

Post # 66
76 posts
Worker bee

I think it is very weird that your boyfriend meets up with his ex girlfriend for lunches and to hang out at all.  This is not the same as just being on good terms when they encounter each other by chance.  The fact that she does not want to see you means that she is not over breaking up with him and the fact that you were ‘the other woman’ (so to speak) who led to the demise of their relationship.  Why would you want someone like that around your boyfriend? Then, it’s weird that he cares at all about what she thinks about you, or that he wants you guys to meet or be on good terms.  This is all very, very strange.  I think things are not really over between them.  I am not saying that he’s cheating on you.  But I do think that both of them have unresolved feelings towards each other. 

Post # 67
8762 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

MrsMeowton :  “The only one attempting to throw their weight around is OP and if it were Lisa trying to throw in the “we were together for nine years” aspect, I’d be siding with OP that this woman needs to cool it. But she’s not. She just doesn’t want to see OP and I totally get that.” 

We have a difference of perspective and opinion. Regardless of Lisa’s reasons, her history, her triggers when it comes to OP or her emotional state, it’s simply not OK to exclude the OP.

Yes, OP shouldn’t naively force it, and I agree with you there, but likewise Bob shouldn’t allow it. Where we seem to part ways is that I feel if Lisa is this uncomfortable she’s not ready for the friendship at all. 

Post # 68
6163 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t understand why Bob needs to continue to see this woman. She’s an ex for a reason, and while I get that sometimes things are so far in the past it’s not an issue, that isn’t the case here. He broke up with her, for you. This isn’t a case of “oh we dated 15 years ago in high school and stayed friends”. I find it inappropriate, and can totally see why she wouldn’t want to meet up with you.

Post # 69
10 posts

I get why she wouldn’t want to meet you… but what I do NOT get is why she still is still okay with seeing him if she isn’t comfortable seeing you? Does that make sense? Like this seems like one of those classic examples of a woman forgiving the man for cheating on her (I know he didn’t cheat this is just an example) and forever blaming the woman. It takes two to tango and HE was the one in a 9 year relationship with her. Seems to me like she should be a lot more upset with him than you and that if she doesn’t want to see you she should definitely not want to see him. 

Post # 70
266 posts
Helper bee

I’m failing to see why Lisa has absolutely no problem with seeing Bob, but she doesn’t even want to say “hi” to you. You may have been the other woman, but both you AND Bob are the reason things ended between him and Lisa. He played a role in it the same way you did, so it’s unfair of her to put the blame only on you. 

That being said, this seems like an awful lot of energy to be put into maintaining a “friendship” in which they only see each other once a year. I’m not sure why it’s so worth it to him to keep this going. The fact that this even had to be brought up to the therapist in the first place would just tell me “ok, time to focus my time and energy elsewhere. If Lisa can’t bear to be civil, it’s not worth the effort.” I’m glad Bob told her that he would have to meet with her next time since she was uncomfortable with seeing you instead of telling you to go off on your own. This should be how it is, always. It’s also not right that she was going to be bringing her boyfriend, but wasn’t ok with Bob bringing you. What the heck? 

Ex or not, I wouldn’t want to maintain a friendship with someone who didn’t accept or want to be civil with my FI. He and I are a package deal, 2 halves of a whole team. I wouldn’t be comfortable being friends with someone who couldn’t even bear to see him for 5 minutes. 

I think you need to talk more to Bob about why he cares so much about keeping this friendship going, especially now that she refuses to even be within 5 feet of you. 

Post # 71
719 posts
Busy bee

“but also said he needs her to understand that if she wants to be his friend then she has to accept me as Bob’s partner.”

This. It’s really good that he understands this. I think that until she is ready to accept you as his partner then she can’t have him in her life. . I don’t blame her for not being excited about it, but it’s very innapropriate to essentially deny your existence and expect to maintain a relationship with him. You don’t have to be best friends, but your therapist is right that in order to normalize the situation she needs to accept that you are a big part of his life.

Post # 72
7074 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Why is anyone in this situation trying to hold onto this friendship? It just boggles my mind and doesn’t make any sense to me. Sounds like the perfect time to just let this friendship fade away.

Post # 74
2795 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

jennifergentle :  You dont need to force this woman to endure an awkward meeting with you to get her to make her aware of your existence. You were the catalyst for her 9 year relationship ending- I’m pretty sure she knows who you are!

The little dig you made about her being “boring” really rubbed me the wrong way and made me question your motives. “Nope again, I don’t want to be friends with her and I even told him and he said it’s fair enough. I’ve met her a few times when Bob and I were friends, she’s nice but quite boring and not really my type”

Yeah, she’s soooo boring that you are fixated on meeting her and discussing her with your therapist. 🙄


ETA- I just looked at your previous thread out of curiosity. Are you a man (your username made me assume you were a woman named Jennifer)? If you are male, the dynamics of the situation may be different from Lisa’s perspective. 

Post # 75
666 posts
Busy bee

jennifergentle :  What I can’t understand is why your therapist would even suggest this.

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