(Closed) His ex-girlfriend is literally in the picture

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

I don’t understand why displaying pictures of a group of friends is inappropriate, or why people should remove certain pictures just because certain people are visiting. I could see wanting the FH to remove pictures of ex-girlfriends from being displayed, but expecting everyone associated with the ex in his social circle to eliminate all evidence that he had a girlfriend is a little too much.

I can, however, understand not feeling included in the group. That would hurt. Have you talked to your FH about this?  Is he bringing you around the group when they’re all together?  Is there anyone else in the group who you feel close enough to talk about this with?  Is it possible that because you feel uncomfortable that you are putting off a vibe that they’re reading as uninterested? 

Post # 33
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand why you would feel that way. If I were the homeowner I would probably take the picture down or swap it out for another before you came over, just to be nice. I know it’s not mandatory but it’s just a nice gesture.

Regardless though you shouldn’t be offended. It’s not the cliques fault that your FH used to date the ex, I would just appreciate that your FH has a past because it brought him to you and try not to look at the picture.

Post # 36
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

@stacycats:  That’s not cool at all.  I’m sorry they’re doing that to you.  I don’t have any advice, but I am sorry you’re experiencing that.

Your first post was mainly about the picture, and only your EDIT really mentions anything about not being included, so I’m sure that’s why people are responding the way they are.

Post # 37
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Miss BooBoo: Also, I’d like to add that I find it very odd that they are still displaying a wedding picture of a couple who are divorcing. Sounds to me like they are just completely oblivious.

They’re not.  The OP said it’s a group picture of everyone, it’s not of her Fiance and his ex’s wedding.  I don’t even think her Fiance was married to the ex.

OP, you keep saying you’re not offended, but you wouldn’t have started a whole thread about it if you honestly weren’t bothered by it.  It’s an old group photo.  I think I’d be more offended if one of my old friend’s new girlfriends demanded I take down a group shot because it had my friend’s ex in it than if I was at my FI’s friends house and saw the pic.   So with respect to the picture, I think you’re honestly out of bounds.

With respect to your FI’s friends not including you, I totally feel you.  My ex had a core group of friends he had in his life since high school.  Whenever he would bring me to group outings I felt so excluded.  It wasn’t that they outright excluded me, it was more that they made no effort whatsoever to include me.  Every outing was so uncomfortable, I was pretty much always waiting to leave beginning about 5 minutes after we arrived. It sucked.  How often do you all hang out together? Maybe you could suggest having coffee or shopping or something just with the girls to try to get to know them better? 

Post # 39
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

View original reply
@lezlers: I think what MissBooBoo  was referring to was thispost by stacycats that said: “They also have a wedding pic of friends of theirs that are in the process of getting a divorce.”

Post # 40
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@stacycats: honestly?  I avoided going out with them in a group atmosphere.  Kind of a wussy way out, but I was at a loss.  If it was only us and one other couple it was usually ok, so I always went along in those situations.  Whenever it came time for a party or larger gathering, though, I’d make some excuse not to go.  So long as I didn’t get mad when my ex didn’t come home (he tended to get hammered with his buddies and crash out at one of their houses) he didn’t get pissy at me for not coming.  Eventually we  broke up so it became a non-issue.  I’m really sorry I don’t have a better response. 🙁  It did suck, though, and I totally know how you’re feeling. 

Maybe try only getting together in very small groups for awhile, so you can get to know the others a little easier?  I’ve noticed that exclusive type people tend to get a lot friendlier when they don’t have a host of other people to ignore you for.  A little social manipulation can go a long way. 😉 

Post # 42
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@stacycats:  This situation sucks.   I’m sorry you’re feeling left out.

I’ve been both part of the exclusive-type group and have been the person who has felt left out of the exclusive-group so I kind of know both sides.  I have one large extended group of friends from university and it can be very difficult to bring new people into the group…mainly because we all have had the same memories and stories.  My husband is from the group, so that makes it easy, but before we started dating, it was very difficult for me to bring my exes around.  My friends like to discuss politics, current events, books…and are generally pretty brainy.  At many parties, the conversation isn’t “light”.  It can be difficult to just mingle or participate in small talk.

For me, what worked is that I refused to allow my friends to be exclusive.  Any time I was invited somewhere where it would be a no-brainer for my ex to to come, I invited him.  At parties, I would stay with him until he felt more comfortable mingling alone.  I also enlisted the help of some of my closer friends in the larger group to kind of take him under their wing as well.  Basically, I think that your fiancé needs to do a better job of integrating you into the group.  I get that they aren’t being welcoming (which is crappy) but he really needs to sort of stand up and just refuse to let them do that.  

 

Post # 43
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Personally don’t see how anyone can be offended by someone else’s pictures. BF’s parents still have prom pictures and other pictures with his ex girlfriends up in the house.  Doesn’t bother me in the least.

And I wouldn’t have enough time to go around and take down all pictures that might have an ex in them.  Too bad so sad, this is my house, my pictures, my memories..if you don’t like it..there’s an Ansel Adams picture hanging on the wall..go look at that.  It would take me a day to move all the pictures around, hide them, put up other stuff in the place and then have to replace everything when people left. Blahh…too time consuming.  

 

Post # 45
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@stacycats:  Do you think that there’s a reason that they are overlooking you?  You’re right; it really does seem passive aggressive of the friend group to just pretend that you aren’t a part of the social scene.  I’m more of a talk it out kind of person as well.  Are they like this with all “outsiders”?

This must be rough for your guy too.  

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