(Closed) His Ex Girlfriend = My Problem Now

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1776 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

no ones telling you NOT to get married or that your fiance is a horrible individual. It seems like everyone is just suggesting that its kind of a red flag to have such STRONG feelings AGAINST an individual from your FH’s past. If she was harassing you, or constantly calling FH than thats one thing, but if she’s not doing anything then let it alone.

Post # 33
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be judgemental, but this isn’t a forum where you say anything you want and people blindly agree with you. You asked if you should send one of his ex-girlfriends a threatening letter and the overall response is no and to seek counseling. It isn’t normal to want to send any of your FI’s ex’s threatening letters and because you have such strong emotions and fears about his and her relationship, you really need to talk it out. A counselor will be able to get to the root of why you are having fears and will also be able to steer you into the right direction. The path you are going down now is toxic in a marriage (jealously, hatred, fear, whatever emotion it is), but if you work through those emotions then you can start off strong with a good chance at the future.

Post # 34
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The main issue that I see isn’t so much that he got involved with a married woman (that is an issue, but if you’ve talked it through and dealt with it, then like you said, everyone makes mistakes, and none of us know the whole situation …)  The issue to me is that when you say she’s “your problem now” and that _you_ need to reach out and contact her to say “stay away, he’s mine now” it doesn’t sound like you’re confident that your Fiance would tell her to bugger off, as lilybay said, if she came sniffing around.  There’s always the risk of an ex trying to get back into the picture, or a new woman trying to flirt with him, and you can’t write letters to all of them, or be at his side the whole time telling women to back off.  You deserve to be in a relationship where you don’t worry about other women because no matter who threw herself at your Fiance, you know he’d shut her down and come laugh with you about the fact that some other chick thought she had a chance.  Do you feel that with your FI?   If you do, then put this other woman out of your head, and don’t do anything.  If you don’t, then you need to figure out why, and that’s something you and he should talk about.

Post # 35
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

If the ex is not in contact with you right now, then I would not seek her out. Preemptive action of this nature seems unwarranted and could actually create a problem where there isn’t one yet. If she does get in contact with you, then a letter telling her to stay away would be appropriate. In the meantime, I would actually expend all my energies into making sure that contact doesn’t happen, so that you never have to deal with her again.

I would just talk over with your fiance what you would do if anything ever happened. It sounds like you are confident in your relationship with him, but this ex just really makes you worried and upset. I hope you feel better soon.

Post # 36
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

beachbrideamy, i’m sorry this past relationship is bothering you. it would bother me too, especially if their break-up was less than amicable.

maybe you *should* write the letter, but only for yourself? it might help to get all those feelings out on paper.

Post # 37
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

I guess I just don’t see how she’s your problem.  Has she done anything recently or is it just a fear of the future? 

 

Post # 38
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with serasvictoria.  I think there are deeper issues here.  It’s not normal to feel such hatred/anger/whatever towards an ex-girlfriend, especially when it’s unprovoked.  Please seek counseling. 

Post # 39
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

I understand your need to vent . . . Sometimes we get tunnel vision when we are looking at things in our personal lives.  The reactions to your post should clearly demonstrate, at least to an objective group of people with no vested interest in the outcome (or with any additional details),  that you have lost perspective on this issue (tunnel vision) and really need to take a step back and reassess same.

As an aside, why would it matter if anyone’s fiance was divorced?  I was previously married for 8 years (I married young, which is a story for another time) and left for reasons completely UNrelated to infidelity.  Cheating is not the only reason couples divorce. 

Post # 41
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

The fact that this married woman thought your Fiance was her ‘true love’ many years ago, does not mean she still feels that way. Unless she has actually tried to contact your Fiance, I don’t see what you worry so much about.

This, in my opinion, is a sign of more deep-rooted insecurities. I went through a period where I was worried that my BF could never love me as much as his ex-FI and that I could not “live up to her” and that he deep down inside wished that he was still with her. Needless to say, this caused me a great deal of unhappiness with myself. I therefore did a lot of soul-searching and realised that my insecurities regarding his ex were simply a manifestation of my fear of not being good enough, something which has roots in my childhood and really nothing to do with her at all. After I realised that, I was finally able to really believe all the wonderful things my BF tells me (like I am the love of his life and the woman he wants to share his life with etc.) I am now so much happier and confident in my relationship, and I KNOW that my BF would never ever go back to his ex.

It is likely that you too have similar feelings of not being good enough, and your FI’s ex is an outlet for those feelings. I recommend that you try to sort out these issues, through councelling if necessary, because in the long term they will only make you unhappy.

Post # 42
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think the responses come off as judgmental because we are concerned that you are so concerned. If the woman did come back, why would it matter anyways if you trust your man? I used to get a gut, nauseous feeling about my FI’s ex but I had specific reasons that boiled down to the fact that (despite not admitting it) I didn’t trust him. To get that gut reaction, it might be more than the other woman.

I sympathize with the anger toward her – I TRULY TRULY do, but when you think about it, there really is no reason to be angry with her. She didn’t do anything to hurt YOU. It was the hardest thing overcoming that feeling and stop getting angry about small things with my Fiance. I would talk it out with him as much as you can and get to the root of your fear and frustration.

 

Post # 43
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Amy,

you said two things that caught my attention. One is that the woman messed up with him badly. The second is that you’ve never before felt that a person was your true love. 

So my questions are:

1) how badly did she mess up with him? How hurt did he get and why? Are you by any chance afraid he hasn’t healed?

2) has HE ever felt that she was his true love? Are you scared about THAT?

You sound fearful… and I am just trying to help you out. I’m sure you can make sense of your fears and figure out what course of action to take.

I hope you’ll reply to these questions… maybe I can help. I’ve been right were you are.

Post # 44
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know we don’t have the whole story since there is only so much you can post about, but from what you wrote, I really don’t think you have to worry. Not everyone views the term ‘true love’ as being special, some people say it all the time. Alot of the time, infidelity is about fantasy, not reality. When she said that he was her true love, that was part of the fantasy. Most likely, it doesn’t mean anything at all.

Does she contact him at all? Is she giving you a reason to feel threatened? Writing her a letter is a bad idea. Either she has completely moved on (which is by far the most likely scenario) and will think you are crazy; or she will assume that you are upset and writting this for a reason such as your fiance still mentions her which could give her hope (very unlikely).

I think you should just make it so that she fades into the past where she belongs unless something comes up like she contacts you.

Post # 45
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe I read past it but did you answer if your Fiance and the woman are still in contact?

Post # 46
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hang in there, Amy!  My Fiance had to have a strong chat with his crazy ex right before we got engaged.  He was pretty harsh, but she got the message. She has stopped bothering us.

I think a letter will have to come from him- coming from you makes you seem jealous/insecure 🙁 I’m sure if he knows how much it upsets you and he knows this woman as well as you say he does, he’ll find a way to take care of it for you.

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