(Closed) His Ex Girlfriend = My Problem Now

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

How about looking at his behaviors? Behaviors do say more than words… for example, people may say “I love you” but then not act like they love you for real OR they might not say “I love you” all the time but then they show you with their behavior.

It’s the only way that I know to understand whether things are real or not. Sometimes people don’t even know what’s in their head but usually the behavior gives away what’s REALLY going on inside.

How does he treat you?

Post # 49
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“… even though he says that isn’t true and he loves me more, how am I supposed to know that?”

“…if he thought she was “the one”, and she dumped him…I have no way of knowing for 100% sure that I’m not like his “second choice” consolation prize”

This is not a reflection on your Fiance. I second the rest of the Bees that have suggested you get counseling. This is a self-esteem issue and if you do not get it under control you will not only make yourself miserable, but also your Fiance and anyone else who truly cares about you. Your insecurities will only succeed in chasing people away from you.

Post # 50
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Marriage is scary, isn’t it?!! People don’t really talk about that but it involves a seriously massive amount of trust: trust in your partner that they are not going to just walk out on you for someone else. I think that’s what this is about. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s about this other woman, I think it’s about you being ready to trust your Fiance in the relationship 100 percent. This can be really hard, I know! But I would talk to him and also, really spend some time thinking about what you need to do to get to the place where you can trust him. I know everything will be ok, don’t worry! I think this is just your mind finding a way to freak out about the trust thing. I’m sure this woman has moved on and I wouldn’t waste another second thinking about her. 

Post # 51
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Why this woman? Your fiance has more than one ex but why the focus on this one? Has she came to you with some drama or even at all? If she hasn’t, then you have nothing to worry about. Don’t send her a letter because believe me, you will look nuts. Imagine going through your mail and finding a letter from some woman you havn’t met before threatening you. If there is nothing to worry about, there is nothing to worry about.

Post # 52
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Nobody never knows 100% if their fi/hubs/bf is truly honest, however, it is up to you and your faith and trust in him or her that they are. You can’t live your life fearing that he will return to her, at some point you have to trust him to not break your heart. I really hope you don’t take this as judgment but as advice; you really should evaluate the reasons why you believe he would leave you for her (because she can want him all day long but as long as he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings you’re still ok) girly you are the one he wants otherwise he wouldn’t be around

Post # 53
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If she hasn’t contacted him at all, you’d be extremely out of line in sending a nasty message, IMO. She has committed her sins and maybe she is trying to build past it and move forward with her family. Unless she is doing something to harm you or your fiance, I think it’s a very bad idea. 

I also agree that it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues. It’s fine, and you’re not alone. I think many of us would be lying if we said we were never ever concerned about an ex.

My fiance’s ex did not want to leave the picture when she found out that he had a new girlfriend (they dated for 6 months and had been broken up for 2 months when I met him). She would randomly show up at his work or his apartment (she lived over an hour away), threaten to kill herself in text messages (to him and to his mother) etc. She finally stopped contacting him and his family a few months ago (when the police got involved), but has recently started to send an email here or there again (two in the last two months) because she found out about our engagement and upcoming wedding.

I trust him completely, and we’ve obviously discussed it at length because she was an issue at the start.. I needed to know if my safety was going to become an issue.  Anyway, when she does send something, he will show it to me and delete it without responding. You have to trust your fiance.

Post # 54
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

SHE is not the problem. If you can trust him, then you have nothing to worry about from her.

Women will try to steal your man, that is why you have to pick one that you can trust.

 

Post # 55
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to talk to  him about it.  So that you’re confident if she ever does decide to leave her husband you won’t have any fear that there’s something to worry about.  My husband and I both came out of very long term relationships and had had other crushe.  It definately gave me insecurities of well….maybe, I’m just a consolation prize or he’s settling or …… so, we’ve had so many talks and it did lead to some uncomfortable discussions as we learned about each other, but that all happened when we first started dating so life was a lot more up in the air.  But I think they were necessary conversations for us to grow as a couple and be secure that the other was faithful and happily in the relationship and not just kinda hanging in there like we were in other relationships.

Post # 56
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Hmmm I think she may be just as ready to move past this as him. I suggest you do the same. I think you may be feeling a little insecure about the situation, especially as she’s older. But I think you should have a serious talk with him with the idea of letting everything go. The past is the past.

I feel I recently went through something similar ( although not nearly to that extent). After thinking about it I realized that I’ve never been in love with anyone besides my BF, even though I swore at the time I was. So I told him this and he didnt reciprocated the same sentiment. And deep inside I was so mad, I wanted him to come out right and say he never felt the same about anyone.

After a while I realize I just cant let that type of thinking hinder the relationship. At the end of the day he’s making a choice every day to be with me. And every day is a new experience we have together that no one can compare to.

So my advice, is let it go. Concentrate on you relationship now. And most importantly don’t belittle your self or risk your relationship by harassing that woman. I’m sure she has enough demons to deal with without you adding to them.

Post # 57
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

@coffeekitty said it best. “Other women will try to steal your man, that’s why you have to pick one you can trust.” So right and so true.

Maybe you are having a little bit of the pre-wedding jitters or maybe you have trust issues. I’m gonna be honest here and say I think most of us, myself included, have had worries, at one point or another, about a past or present SO’s ex before!!
I think it is perfectly normal to worry about these sort of things from time to time. We are only human, we are entitled to the odd, wrong reaction. I don’t think you “need” counseling. It might not hurt, but I don’t it’s imperative. Poor girl- it looks like you got railroaded on here in the beginning, but I think most bees have reposted their intended message.

 I think you just need a little reassurance from hubby that you’re the one. Getting married is nerve racking and sometimes daunting.. it’s just a little pre-wedding paranoia! I wouldn’t worry about her, he is marrying YOU after all. Right?!

Good luck to you!! HUGS

Post # 58
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@ Beachybrideamy, I think you just got to the root of your problem when you stated:

I mean, if he thought she was “the one”, and she dumped him…I have no way of knowing for 100% sure that I’m not like his “second choice” consolation prize

You need to sit down with your Fiance and express your feelings in a calm way and allow him to reassure you that you are the only one for him. On the other issue of writting her a letter rememeber that they have not been in conntact since the breakup and that he has told you everything about the relationshp in an open and honest way.  You are projecting your fears in a way that will destroy the relationship if you go out of your way to contact her.  Good luck, but I really think you need to sit down and think about why you are really wanting to send her a letter and then talk to your Fiance about your feelings.

Post # 59
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you may be concentrating blame on the wrong people, here.  We all have pasts. Most of us have been in love before.  Those relationships ended for various reasons.  Some of them because we wanted to end them and some of them because our partners wanted to end them.   You need to accept the fact that the past is the past and you cannot change it. 

I noticed that you seem to be refusing to allow your Fiance to accept any blame for his past situation.  Absent random acts of violence, there are seldom any true victims in this world.  Your Fiance had an affair with a married woman.  He DOES have to bear some responsibility for that.  I think you may be trying to rationalize their affair because you’re nervous about marrying someone who is capable of having an affair with a married person.  In trying to rationalize that fear, you’re projecting all of the blame onto one party to that affair.  That is not fair. Remember, you’re getting ONE side of the story.  You’re going to need to accept his part in their affair and trust that he learned from his mistake and is a better man for it.  If you’re not able to do that, you’re entire marriage is going to be rife with paranoid accusations.   

Remember, HE is in charge of his own behavior.  HE is the one with a responsibility towards you, not her.  She is not in a relationship with you, HE is.  You have to trust that he is a grown man that has his own free will and cannot be forced into an extramariatal affair against his will.  If you can’t trust him to be able to NOT cheat on you if the opportunity presents himself, than you have no business marrying him. If he’s adult enough to marry, he’s adult enough to accept responsibility for his own actions, future or present. She owes you nothing, he owes you everything.  

Put yourself in her shoes.   Like another poster said, how would you feel if you were looking through your mail one day and opened up a letter from some woman you never met saying “STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN, HE’S MINE NOW!!!!!!”  You would think she was a total nutjob and would probably would feel sorry for your ex. That’s likely the reaction you’d get if you pull such a stunt.

I second all the posters who are advising you go to counseling.  I think you could benefit from both solo and couples counseling.  This issue needs to be dealt with before starting off in a marriage. 

Post # 60
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why in God’s name would you want to start up anythign? Unless you want to “Test” him…which is just foolish and dangerous.

Post # 61
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The past is the past, you can’t change anything and bringing it up will only be scratching at Almost) healed wounds. I don’t see how writing a letter would help anything at all. Yep, you’re right, your Fi was young and stupid. Yep, you’re right, not all of our Fi’s are 100% innocent.

My Fi cheated on his one ex gf when he was a senior in HS. And I’ve met the “other woman”. Did I care? No. It was before I met Fi, sure I don’t like her, I mean what kind of person goes after someone in a relationship? But it’s in the past, and no letter is going to change anything. Sure I feel uncomfortable hearing about it. But Fi knew he was wrong, admitted his mistake and got over it.  Like PP’s have said, you must have trust issues with your Fi to even want to write her a letter. 

 

Not all of us are chummy with our Fi’s exes, but I bet very few of us feel the need to threaten any of them either.

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