(Closed) His ex, keeps contacting, i keep finding stuff of hers, am i overreacting?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

He needs to set a firm deadline for her to have the loan in her name or paid off–like within the next sixty days. Have her sign a contract saying that, and that if it doesn’t happen, he will reposess the car and she will owe him the amount left on the loan. Can he get a new title to the car (saying that it’s in his name) and a set of spare keys?

And by repossess, I mean a tow truck driver will show up, tow the car to your FI’s house and he will sell it and take her to court to get payment. I have a feeling that’s the only thing that’s going to clear this up.

As for the pics, how’d you find them a second time? Were they in a similar, nearby folder that you didn’t see before? Was the folder new?

I just think he’s holding on to his past a LOT and that’s soooo unhealthy. 🙁

Post # 48
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am so sorry you’re going through this *hugs* to you.

I agree with the other posters, he needs to get rid of this “joint” car situation.  Either he needs to just take it back (it’s in his name), or he needs to sell the car to her, so that she can take out a loan in her own name for the remainder of the balance.

As for the rest… I don’t understand why he is keeping all of that stuff.  Pictures, shampoo(???) He needs to know that keeping things of his ex’s for sentimental purposes isn’t appropriate in this case, especially when he’s in a committed relationship.

Post # 49
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

@FutureMrs.HarlessI wasn’t necessarily trying to defend him, but just offer another perspective.  I’ve been with my current BF for over 4 years now, but there was a year that we broke up.  When we were together he had co-signed a student loan for me and had opened a credit account for me so I could get a laptop for school.  I had bad credit and couldn’t do this on my own.  The card was technically in his name, but I still had access because I made all payments.  After we broke up this didn’t change.  I do want to point out though that he did not get seriously involved with anyone while we were apart.  As far as the car, in a way I think its smart that he kept the shared account because this way he could be sure she was making payments.  She could seriously screw his credit if she wanted to.  Was it smart to help her in the first place? Nope probably not.  My boyfriend trusted that if we did break up that I would be mature enough to be responsible with the accounts.  Doesn’t sound like there is any sort of maturity when it comes to the ex.  As I mentioned before I also never delete emails so I probably have a crapload from exes. 

My point is that you admit to having trust issues so you aren’t able to look at all the individual pieces of this with a clear head.  Of course I totally get why all this at once is extremely overwhelming.  I was just trying to point out that deleting the pics, emails, etc won’t help anything in the long run.  I won’t get into the details, but I dealt with jealousy and trust issues when my BF and I got back together.  It had to do with the past and the year we were apart.  I realized I was still trying to punish him for the breakup and decided I just needed to finally let go and give him my full trust.  It never would have worked if I didn’t.  You need to figure out how he can make this right and then let it go or let him go. 

Post # 50
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I am always suspitious of people who trash talk their ex.  The very first thought in my mind is, I bet you’ll say the same about me eventually…

I’ve had a lot of exes and I have a lot of nice things to say about all of them, some negatives sure but I’m respectful and don’t paint them as crazy.  Few people are crazy and those that are usually always were so if someone didn’t notice… during 2 years… it’s a warning for me.

That’s all purely IMO.

From what you’ve said it sounds like he has a very casual attitude towards this stuff, which isn’t right or wrong necessarily… but is going to lead to unhappiness if you have a different attitude.  Either he needs to reasses and realize that he’s going to have to act in non intutive ways to make you happy or you will be miserable. 

Good luck and try not to be hurt over it, I doubt it’s on a very deep level for him.

Post # 51
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

wow. I’m really sorry about this and I don’t think you are being crazy, at all. I would be freaking out!

First, i don’t think that he should have a car loan for her and insurance or an account together still. He can get off all that stuff easily.

Second, I think he needs to stop contact with her.

I would sit down and talk to him. tell him how all this makes you feel. How you can understand having pictures stuck somewhere that he completely forgot about or whatever. But I would tell him that all this other stuff makes you uncomfortable. I don’t tell my Fiance who he can and can’t talk to, but I think in your case, you may need to tell him that he has to chose. He can be with you and stop ALL Contact with her, except to tell her to stop talking to him. Or, he can be with her and you are gone.

I can’t really help much though becuase I only know what i read. I hope that it works out for the best and things get better with you guys. I’m so sorry.

Post # 52
27 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

I was going to say this but AnnieAAA beat me to it (great minds!): I think a lot of guys just like keeping that stuff around (dirty pictures and videos they made with exes) as more of a trophy than anything else.  I would have definitely been LIVID if I had found anything remotely like that of my FI’s, but at the same time (and I totally realize it’s a double standard), I can see myself wanting to keep stuff like that myself.  (I think I think like a guy in a lot of cases.)  Maybe he views the video, for instance, as a, err… masterpiece and is loathe to just throw it out. 

That said, I COMPLETELY agree that it is inappropriate behavior and should be checked NOW.  Although I have a suggestion that may be an unpopular one.  Assuming that all it is is a guy being a guy and liking that kind of stuff, I suggest that you, if you aren’t offended by it, pull out a camera or a videocam to make sexytime memories of the TWO OF YOU.  He’d probably be surprised and overjoyed (if he enjoys that kind of thing).  And it would probably make it much, much easier for him to throw all that crap with his ex out, since he has better ones now with you!

(Just my opinion, please don’t skewer me.  Yes, I agree she shouldn’t HAVE to do it just to keep her man, but at the same time, maybe the whole dirty photos thing is not that big a deal and she can direct his sexual focus onto herself.  And, as I’ve mentioned many times, this is all assuming that there is nothing else really wrong with the relationship.)

Post # 54
27 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

I really admire you for everything you said you did for him.  I think you should actually tell him EXACTLY what you just wrote. 

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if someone views something as completely innocuous (like him and the shampoo, the lingerie, the phone calls, the texts); what matters is that it makes the OTHER person uncomfortable, and that other person should have the right to be utterly and completely comfortable, especially in the trust area.  Believe me, some guys (and probably gals!) just do NOT get that.  My Fiance was like that about something entirely different, but I simply could not (and still don’t think I was successful) in banging it into his head that, just because he didn’t think it was a big deal, it still IS a big deal because *I* think it’s a big deal.  If you want to make the person who is your wife-to-be happy, you should just shut up and do what she says if you don’t really care one way or another! 

Best of luck to you.  I really hope you resolve things amicably!!

Post # 55
36 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

The only thing I’d really be upset about is him restoring the pictures back. That implies that he actively looks at them to notice them gone. That’s NOT cool. Even if he throws all this stuff out only he can cut the emotional tie he has with her. I’d really get into couples therapy so he can sort out his reluctance to let go of the past

Post # 56
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you are going through all this.

The only advice I have is that you might want to consider destroying any risque pics or video he has of you.  Think about how careless he has been with his ex’s intimate photos/video.  If your relationship ends, he will be the same way with any such photos/videos of you.

Post # 57
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I apologize as I haven’t thoroughly read through all the other posts… but all I know is I would not marry someone who still had financial ties to an ex girlfriend. That is a HUGE red flag… and yeah, he should have deleted all the risque pictures of his former flames as soon as the two of you became an item.

Post # 58
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

WOW. He seems to have a LOT of baggage from other girls that he continually CHOOSES to keep in his life. In My Humble Opinion, get. out. now.

Post # 59
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m just going to play Devil’s Advocate for a second…

When I read between the lines, it sounds like you have two basic problems.  First, Misty is blackmailing him.  If he’s not nice, she doesn’t pay the car.  Then his credit takes a hit.  On the other hand, since the car is in his name he can “reposess” it at any moment.  He can tell her to drop it off or he’ll report it stolen (or he can do all that without contacting her at all).  So they both have each other by the tail on the car situation.  Also, he most likely HAS to pay for insurance because most lendors will add a penalty if they find out the car is not insured.  So if he doesn’t, he’s relying on her to do that, and it doesn’t sound like she’s very reliable.  He’s yet again paying for the mistake of getting the Jeep in the first place.

The second problem you have is that your Fiance has not gone through EVERY file or DVD that he has, and so probably has no idea that any of that is on there.  Since he makes videos and takes pictures of you, you know he’s kind of kinky and into that sort of thing.  It makes sense he would have done that with his exes and he probably doesn’t want to go looking at them now that he’s found someone good.  He probably really does think there’s nothing else, but only because he probably never really looked.

To me, it doesn’t sound like your Fiance is a bad guy.  He’s stuck between bad choices from the past and a desire to start a future with you.  I think you should have him call his ex, tell her that she needs to pay the Jeep IN FULL within the month, or he will have it reposessed.  She is not entitled to any of the money she put down on it anyway.  (How much does she owe?  Is it even possible for her to pay it all off?  Will the lendor allow her to take over the loan?)  Bottom line, that’s what’s keeping him talking to her at all.  Make that go away, and I think you’d feel a lot better.

Post # 60
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

if she hasnt missed any payments on her car and she’s had it since 2007 (sorry I havent read all other posts, hope im not repeating anyone) he can have his name removed from her loan (they should be able to look at her credit and see if they can remove your FI’s name…shouldnt be a big deal, esp if she has consistently made paymens….)…shouldnt be a problem.  also tell him to remove his name off that account.

sorry you are going through this!

Post # 61
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you’ve got a lot of great advice here.

My Advice:

1.) Go with your Gut. It’s usually always Right. We Woman have that Gut Power.

2.) Actions Speak Louder than Words.

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