(Closed) his ex wife is not over him

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Does he talk about his ex alot?  Does he ever talk about her.. ever?

Some people do still remain friends after a marriage, not all people have horrible exes..

Has he given you any reason to not trust him?  Because honestly… it seems like you don’t… considering youre demanding a very expensive ring and jewelry to prove how much he loves you instead of just believing his word.

May I ask how old are you and your fiance?  I do not mean to sound mean, but demanding such things is childish in my eyes

Buying someone’s love (which is what youre basically asking him to do) is a clear sign that there are other issues here than the ex

Post # 4
Member
3101 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This guy should run far and fast. Demanding a huge ring? First I wonder how you know about the things he bought her???? I have no heavenly idea what my SO ever bought his exes. 

If you are planning to marry this person you have to accept that he had other women in his life but now he’s chosen you. Honestly tho I would say keep hounding him– so he leaves your immaturity behind. 

Post # 5
Member
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

can you see what his replies were? that might help you understand what their friendship is like now.

i agree expecting a 3 carat diamond or bigger is materialistic and immature, what are you going to do if he can’t afford that? love is about more than material objects

Post # 6
Member
3964 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@chrissss:  I think you should listen to your mum.

So long as he isn’t making her think she has a chance, don’t worry about it.

ETA: I don’t believe you can measure love, and certainly not in carat size.

Post # 7
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I think you should listen to your mum. It is very childish to demand that he purchase you a ring the same size or bigger than his ex’s. It seems that your relationship isn’t free from his ex not only because he communicates with her, but also because of you. If you’re always comparing yourself to his ex, then you’re constantly bringing her into the picture. You may end up pushing him back into her arms. 

He purchased her a 3 carat ring. But you brought her back into the picture when you demanded that he purchase you something the same size or bigger to prove that he loves you. You made sure that his choice would be influenced by her, instead of letting him pick a different ring that symbolizes your relationship.

If you don’t put your insecurities about his past marriage away, the person it will end up hurting the most is you. This is your relationship, it’s just you and him in it. He and his ex may communicate as good friends, but he is your fiance now. Focus on your relationship with him, and less on his past relationships, otherwise you’ll always be living with the ghost of his ex in your relationship. 

Post # 11
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with all the PP’s. I don’t mean to offend, but you sound like you are being quite childish. While I understand that it is upsetting to see he is talking to his ex, and perhaps not appropriate (not sure all of the surrounding circumstances), demanding a bigger ring, snooping his email (accident is once, not multiple times) is not adult behaviour.

My Fiance has been married before and was also friends with his ex when we met. They ended up breaking off their friendship because his ex was saying things about me (we’d never met) and he didn’t like it. She wouldn’t stop, so that was that. I have never, not once, demanded anything that is “more” than what his ex had. I know his last wedding was huge, but I wanted a small one, his ex likely had a bigger ring (we are on a tight budget to buy a house), but for me, it isn’t competing with the ex, rather just moving on.

You need to seriously think about your behaviour, perhaps go into couples councilling to see why you are so competitive with someone, who you even said, is not a threat to your relationship and re-evaluate the situation you are in.

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Hmmm… “accidentally” snooping through his e-mail and telling him “unless you buy me a 3 carat ring or bigger or it means you don’t love me as much compared to your ex”?

Yeah, I’d say that fits the criteria for childish. Certainly no way to treat someone you love and supposedly trust. I don’t really think you’re ready to be getting married until you grow up.

Post # 13
Member
3101 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You said it’s about the size of the ring. There is nothing but jealousy & pettiness tied to someone demanding a certain size diamond & equating it to how much you are loved. I stand behind my original thoughts & if I thought there was any use I would hope you wise up.

Life is not about things. Not at all. 

Post # 14
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@KatyElle:  I agree 100%.

If you think the size of the ring is what deems how much someone loves you, then celebrity marriages should be the most long lasting marriages out there (and we know that’s not true).

I think you need to do some soul searching and work on yourself. You are sounding very petty and childish right now.

ETA: His ex may not be over him, or his ex may just want to keep the friendship they had. The bigger issue here is that you can’t deal with his ex and you are demanding he show you how much he loves you by buying more stuff then he bought here. A loving and healthy relationship is in no way dependent on the number and size of expensive trinkets your SO gets you.

Post # 15
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Ring aside,  I agree with yOur mom and previous poster. Your lack of trust and competitiveness with an ex  WILL damage your relationship . Unless his replys say anything about how much he miSses her and still loves her… I would let. It be.   

Sent from my iPhone

Post # 16
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

The title of your post reads “ex is not over him”- but what is she saying that makes you think she’s not? Is she writing “I want you to dump your Fiance and get back together with me?” “Love, Kate” doesn’t mean that.

@PoeticDoveInLA:  Well said.

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