(Closed) his ex wife is not over him

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I get feeling uncomfortable about his ex….she shouldn’t be e mailing him asking for romantic advice. But surely all you need to do is be honest with him and tell him you’re uncomfortable with the content of her  e mails and because of that, you’d be grateful to meet her to see what the story is / for him to e mail but not meet up with her alone.

Please also go back and tell your Fiance you do not need a 3 carat ring.  Do you have any idea how much that costs??!! It’s such a slap in the face to imply his proposal will be meaningless unless the ring is bigger than the first one he bought!


Post # 48
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@ticatica:  that’s what i’m saying…because it seems like everyone here is like Oh You shouldn’t worry, or is childish so stop it…i agree with you 🙂

Post # 49
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@ticatica:  I think there’s legitimate things going on here that aren’t right, so I agree with ticatica. Yes, they broke up. He is with you now…. I really don’t understand why he is emailing her in the first place??! :/ That confuses me. And that’s what would bug me, the fact that she hasn’t let him go but that he hasn’t seemed to close off communication with her either. 

 I would make what is making you uncomfortable clear to him…. I think that’s probably the communication behind your back, not the fact of the ring size… personally, the ring means nothing compared to the fact this chicky is on ‘family’ terms with him. 

Post # 50
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah I think it’s a bad idea to meet the ex for those reasons stated, would make her look petty and childish. The issue here is the op seems to grasping at straws and drawing conclusions which don’t match to what she saw in the emails. Quite frankly I think my Fi is a human and not my property, if it gets to the point where you have to be public “marking” him then there is an issue. Either because that would lead to think he is being untruthful and isn’t fully committed to the relationship if he isn’t making it known that he is taken.

If she really is not over him it doesn’t matter, the question should be is he over her?

Post # 51
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think I need some more background information here.

Were do you live, in Singapore? And the ex is in the U.S.? And she emails him about helping her to find a job where he lives? Why would she want to move there now, if she didn’t while they were married?

Where does he want to live in the future, and is that where you want to be, too?

Have you met his family and friends? If his ex and him are “like family” then why did she not know about you until recently? Are you sure she knows about you?

Your profile says your wedding date is April 2012, but you talk about him buying you a ring. Are you engaged? Will you get married next month? 

Post # 52
802 posts
Busy bee

What I’m hearing is that his ex does not seem to be over him. However, I haven’t heard anything from you on what his responses seem to be. If his responses also seem like he has lingering romantic attachment to his ex-wife, then that may be a problem. If it seems like he’s just friendly with her, then have faith in your fiance. 

You can’t really not allow him to go visit his ex. He’s his own person, and he’ll do things anyways. In any case view it as this: should your fiance still have lingering feelings for his ex, this visit may be some sort of closure for the both of them. If the worst happens, and they decide to get back together, that may also end up being good for you. Would you have wanted to have gotten married, and perhaps then divorced because he still had lingering feelings for her? If he really has feelings for her and chooses her, then good riddance to him anyways. You will move on and find someone better. And if they see each other, and just remain friends and he chooses you, then you will feel better after that because you can be secure that the person he has chosen to be with now is you. 

Many people don’t remain friends with their exes. But we can’t hold everyone to that. People have different personalities. I don’t talk to any of my exes any more. Its not really that I don’t want to. It’s merely a, well so much time has passed, and after we stopped dating it was awkward, so now what could we possibly have to talk about? 

But my brother is the opposite. He is friends with probably 80% of his exes. That’s just who he is. He’s a very social person, and his wife accepts that and is fine with it. Ultimately, she’s the one he chose to marry. 

I would also suggest that you refrain from snooping again, no matter how great the temptation may be. You may have stumbled across the first e-mail, but you searched for the rest of them. In my experience, it generally does not work out well for women who snoop. My brother’s 2nd fiance had a very bad habit of snooping into my brother’s stuff. She would go into his e-mail, phone records, bank account to track what he was doing. She also had a really big problem with the fact that he did talk to a lot of his exes. She would threaten him all the time, and eventually he couldn’t put up with her juvenile, paranoid behavior. A few years later, they got back together for a few months. He ended it again because she hadn’t learned her lesson. She just went ahead and did it again. 

When you go snooping through your SO’s stuff, you’re breaking the trust between the two of you. Even if he gives you permission to look through them, and read the e-mails, it’s not necessarily something you should do. Knowledge is powerful, and valuable; but ignorance is also bliss. It may break your trust in him completely; and your relationship, even if he chooses you, will be damaged forever because trust is not something readily given the second time around.  

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