(Closed) His Family Is Becoming a Game Changer

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I understand how you feel and I can tell you that be prepared for this to continue for the duration of your marriage. If you feel this way now, imagine how you’ll feel in 10 years. It doesn’t sound like your Fiance is willing to compromise on his family. The fact that you’ve only been to see your family twice in the five years would be a deal breaker for me. 

If he were more willing to put in the effort with your family too, I would have a different stand point. It doesn’t sound like Fiance is interested in keeping it fair. All take and no give. 

Post # 4
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

They’re treating you that way because he’s letting them. Crazy families are only a real problem if your SO doesn’t step in and play referee or defense. Your SO is clearly not doing his job – when his family oversteps and hurts your feelings, he should be talking to them about it. If they continue to do so, it’s his job to communicate to them that he will not allow them to treat you that way even if it means cutting off communication. I know it’s easy for someone on the outside to say but, if it were me, I would end things with him. He sounds very immature and completely incapable or unwilling to be a true partner.

Post # 6
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
laynneiris:  

I’m sorry to not be very helpful or encouraging, because I pretty much would end the relationship that you’ve described.

Loving someone so greatly does not a marriage make. Too many other things must mesh well and be compatible, and, what you’ve described would not be an acceptable quality of life for me. I would discuss my intentions to leave this situation and the status quo, make it clear that I’d love for him to come with me to a life better suited to my sensibilities, but if he chose to stay that I would grieve his loss, miss him greatly, and manage an amicable split.

Again, I’m sorry if that’s not the advice you wanted to hear.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

It is NEVER a good idea to live that close to family. there should be a good amount of distance, enough to make it difficult to see each other every week, but close enough to where visits once a month and holidays are easy. But especially for the begining of your marriage, you should go faaaar, like several states away or out of country. You guys need to move out, find whatever career excuse to tell them, and have your own space. This is not healthy

Post # 8
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry, but I would end it as well 🙁 Not because of his family, but because of him: choosing to spend so much time with his family who are mean to you, listening to them say those things about you, not going to visit your family (not going to your brothers wedding!). It doesn’t sound like anything will change and you’ll be stuck in that town with them. Not going around when he does is going to become unsustainable, especially if you have kids. 

ETA: I do feel like there is often a very quick response to ‘dump him’ on these boards, and just wanted to clarify that I wouldn’t usually jump to that advice. But in this situation with what you’ve described, I can’t see a happy future for you together 🙁

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  flossy.lou.
Post # 9
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. When you marry somebody, that person is your number one. If he’s not willing to stand up to his family, he’s not worth your time. 

Also, seeing them 3-4 times a week seems a bit excessive. I’m all for being close with your family, but from what you’ve told us, you are second in his life. 

Post # 10
Member
3535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
laynneiris:  he obviously doesn’t have your back. That wouldn’t just be a game changer for me, the game would be over. 

Post # 11
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would run for my life. 

Unless there is any possible way you think he could change with therapy, moving away, and putting in effort to see your family. I doubt that will happen though. 

Im really sorry! I married into a crazy family that I unfortunately loathe. They would probably throw a party if I died. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.. Spare yourself!! At least I can say my husband 100% stands up for me And shuts them out when they are out of control!

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t honestly understand why you would love a man like this, or want to marry him, other than the fact that you think breaking up would be too hard.  I have a feeling this is the case.  You quickly gave up your life for someone who didn’t mesh with you at all.

As a PP said, he doesn’t have your back.  He hasn’t in 4 years.  I highly, highly doubt there is anything you could ever do for his family to suddenly love you.  You have allowed them to walk on you (and him), and I doubt there is any going back.  You ignored the red flags.  

Let’s say you had a kid with this guy.  Would you want his family around them?  Because you would have to deal with that for the rest of your life.  Even if you elected not to bring them around your child (which, I wouldn’t) your boyfriend would probably resent you for it, destroying the marriage anyways.

The problem isn’t your boyfriends family – it’s your boyfriend.  Adults have the option of embracing their family or not.  Your boyfriend has chosen to continue to embrace his family even though they are treating you like dirt.  If this man valued you with the amount you supposedly value him (again, I think you’re just afraid to be alone at this point), he would have told his family to eat dirt until they can respect you.

 

Post # 13
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

End the relationship. 

His family simply isn’t healthy. They’re all messed up, including him. That might sound mean, but it’s true. Your fiancé’s actions suggest that he’ll put his family first and let them continue to treat you poorly. If he was serious about being with you and not standing for their mistreatment of you, you would not be writing this post. You would not be having doubts. This simply would not be an issue, because he would have handled it already. 

End it. Move on. You may love him, but he doesn’t love you enough to put you before his family. If you marry him, that will become the theme of the relationship: his family comes before me. 

ETA: you said you loved him a lot, but I think you’ll realize some things about your feelings for him if you leave him. I think you’ll gain some insight into why you loved him, why he was not right for you, and what qualities you require in a spouse in order to have the life you desire. 

Post # 14
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

View original reply
laynneiris:  I agree with PP. But I don’t think you should end it yet. I would have a talk with him and consider going to counseling. PP are right in that it is his responsibility to stand up for you and mediate between you and his family. There must be an underlying reason why he’s afraid to confront them but still so attached. Its obviously not healthy for you or him but if you love him that much, it’s worth exploring why he’s not behaving appropriately in this situation. If he refuses to address the issues at hand, at that point I would consider leaving him. Have you ever had a talk with him about what his role is in this drama? If not, then now is the time and tell him that you expect him to stand up for you in front of them and to defend you when you’re not around. He also needs a talk about boundaries. It is hard and a huge weight to deal with these issues but if you’ve been together this long and you love him as much as you do, then it’s worth bringing up and finding out if he would indeed do what he is supposed to. If not, then it’s time for goodbye. This has the tendency to end up in a situation where they are all emotionally abusing you and that is a situation you don’t wanna be stuck in. 

Post # 15
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This IS how it’s going to be for the rest of your life if you stay with your SO.  He’s done nothing to change things, despite knowing how you feel.  He has made his choice.  I’m sorry, Bee.  He is standing idly by as you are emotionally abused.

If he’s willing to try counseling, you certainly could look into that option.  

I just think his behavior is telling you loud & clear what his priorities are.

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