- 5 years ago
My partner and I have been together for 5 years now and lived together for 4. When I first met him, he was living with roommates 4 hours away from his parents, and appeared to be an independant, put-together young man. We were both in our early twenties when we met, and fell in love hard in fast. We moved in together before we even hit the year mark. I moved across the country to move in with him, and thought it would be beneficial for both of us to live near his family since neither of us had any family around. So, we packed up his stuff and we both moved back to his home town.
His mother has always been a very emotional person. She is a recovering alcoholic, and I think she feels guilty for having put her kids through that, so she compensates by being EXTREMELY doting and over-involved in their lives. Her daughter lives 5 houses down the strees, her youngest son lives 10 minutes away, and we live just about 10 minutes away now too. At first, they were extremely welcoming and kind. They seemed enthusiastic about spend time with me and getting to know me, and having moved away from my family, I was very enthusiastic about making quick connections and integrating into their world.
Well, it was only a couple months before his mother and sister would come over and make little digs at me. About the house, about me, about my dogs, about the laundry — anything. His sister would come in, and patrol around the house (alone) looking in the rooms to see if they were clean. It struck me as odd, and obviously the little rude, underhanded comments rubbed me the wrong way. When I brought this up to my partner, he said I was imagining things and they were just quirky and meant no harm.
Well, it only got worse as time went on. As they became more comfortable with me, the insults became less masked and more blatant. They had no reservations with embarrassing me at family gatherings, outwardly putting me down, and laughing at my expense. His Grandmother was the worst of them all and would tell me I wasn’t good enough, and that she wouldn’t come to the wedding if my partner and I got married. At this point, we were spending a lot of time with his family – going over multiple times a week and them stopping over whenever they felt like… So, naturally, I started to pull away. I had no interest in spending time with people who thought so little of me and were so verbal about it. I began to limit my visits, and insisted that my partner have his family call or make plans before coming over. However; Knowing that him and his family were so close, I told him I would not interfere with his time with them, and I encouraged him to see them whenever he wanted to, most times at the expense of our time together.
Well, they did not like me not coming over as much (I suspect because they had nobody to pick on.) When my partner would go over alone, they would badmouth me to him, and then he would come home angry at me, or in a bad mood. Our relationship hit a really bad point where he would break up with me constantly because ‘I wasn’t meshing with his family’, even though I wasn’t doing anything to them except resigning to not willingly go over to be bullied.
Well, long story short… We somehow managed to get through it (stronger than ever). He finally started to realize that his family was the focal point for all of our fights and agreed that maybe me having some time away from them was the best for now. We had a couple of REALLY good months together where everything seemed to settle down and our lives came back to a healthy flow.
Well, it seems his family has gotten bored and now have come back to constantly texting him and asking him to break up with me, that he’s choosing me over them (he sees them 3-4 times a week), that I’ve been bad for him and I’m awful and terrible and that I’m pulling their family apart by not coming over to visit (laughable, right?). They’ve even gone so far as to convince him not to have children with me because I’ll ‘leave him and take the kids across the country with me’. They drive by the house multiple times a day to see what we’re up to, AND! If he doesn’t call at least once a week, she calls crying and flipping out saying that he doesn’t pay enough attention to her.
I guess I just need some advice. I love this man with my entire soul, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him… But with him being so close to his family, that means me spending my entire life with his family. The prospect of having them in my life FOREVER is giving me cold feet and making me want to call of the engagement. The fact that they think so horribly of me when I convinced him to move here, went to dinners multiple times a week, helped them out, remained pleasant and kind when they were not to me, and did not fuss when their son spent more time with them than me… It just makes me really nervous of what’s to come. His past vacation, he refused to come to my brother’s wedding to, instead, spend time with his family who he had just been out camping with for 2 weeks. In our 5 years together, he has come with me to see my family only TWICE. Two times in 5 years.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Has anyone’s marriage survived it? I really need some help here, I’m drowning.