(Closed) His Family Takes Over Everything..

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1795 posts
Buzzing bee

@AnonymousCupcake:  How about alternating holidays (or prime hours)between families?  This year they get Mother’s Day brunch and your family gets Mother’s Day afternoon – next year the opposite.

And I would try VERY hard not to travel to the vacation house on a holiday. I’d also make a ‘rule’ that if they want to have the holiday at a location 5 hrs away, then you’ll just see them the day before and wish them well.   

Post # 5
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

you dont have to go for *every* holiday. discuss it with FI and say you want to divide them up a bit better

there are no dibs. simply reply to her “this year we are going to visit my parents”, smile and change subject

Post # 6
Member
1795 posts
Buzzing bee

@AnonymousCupcake:  Talk with your husband first it sounds like he knows it’s kind of an issue.  Next time text back and say, sorry we already made arrangements with my family.  We’ll see you afterward. Or some such (better yet have your husband send the text)  A time or two of that and she should get the message that she can’t assume your time is her time.

Post # 8
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Agree with the other Bees…

There is NO RULE that says you have to divide your time on any “Holiday Occassion” between the two.

You can do that sort of thing… ie Christmas Eve at one then Christmas Day at the other

OR you can alternate.  Be that by the day or the holiday itself.

So Mothers Day with one family… Fathers Day with the other.

Or Thanksgiving this year with his family… next year with yours.

Sounds like two things are going on here… your MIL is being passive aggressive in monopolizing you guys as a couple (and probably using Guilt as an element as well… not very mature on her part). 

PLUS you haven’t found the inner strength yet as a couple to tell her WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO.

“That sounds great Mom, unfortunately we won’t be able to make this one… as we are already have plans to spend the day with the Cupcake:  Family”

You really need to sit down with Hubby and work out a plan for yourselves… cause trust me it will only get WORSE once there are any Grand Kiddies !!

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
45651 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AnonymousCupcake:  You and your SO need to come up with a joint plan, instead of being put in a position of making last minute decisions each holiday.

It’s not like you don’t know by now what her idea will be re how to celebrate.

Whatever works for the two of you then needs to be comunicated to family on both sides.

Post # 10
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AnonymousCupcake:  I’d let Fi go to his parents, and I’d go to mine. It’s easy enough for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, since it is too inconvenient for you both to visit both sets of family.

Post # 15
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Well Honey, here is one way to get across the message LOUD & CLEAR

Tell him you ain’t going… that YOU HAVE MADE OTHER PLANS

If he’s an @ss he’ll go alone to Mom & Dads (highly unlikely).  Especially if his Mom is as “in your face as you implied”… he’d never be able to live down all the Quetions / Interogration.

(Besides Mom being “manipulative” of all these events… it does sound like she baby’s her grown son too much… altho it could be just a case of her being sooo enamoured by your marriage)

Truth is…

If he is a really great guy… he’ll get it… Your Parents are important to you… and NOW they are his family too (you may have to sit him down and REINFORCE that last idea in his mind… he’s being disrespectful to his other “Mom & Dad”)

HE NEEDS TO MAKE TIME FOR BOTH

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 16
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AnonymousCupcake:  I feel your pain.  FI and I have tried the past two years to equitably distribute holidays…but his mom gets really pouty if she doesn’t see him on the actual day, regardless of our plan.  For example, our first holiday season, she had us for Thanksgiving, and we planned to spend Christmas Day with my family.  Fast forward to the week before Christmas and she basically demanded that FI come to their house for Christmas dinner.  It leaves me in an uncomfortable position because I don’t want to be the one who says ‘no’, but at the same time it feels really unfair to my family that she can’t spare a full day.  Our parents live about an hour apart, so it’s possible to squeeze everyone in, but it’s stressful…I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when there’s a grandkid in the picture, ooooof…

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