(Closed) His first love, THE ex

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This would have been a deal breaker for me a long time ago. You are a saint for putting up with it as long as you did. There is no reason to have her at your wedding, ridiculous……..

Post # 4
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

This is probably a great case for counseling.  Even if he’s “heard” your feelings and you’ve “heard” his reasons, it sounds like you both may need an independent third party who can help you both process everything.

It sounds like you gave him quite a bit of room to have a healthy relationship with his ex, and he may have abused that – whether he realizes it or not.

I’m not at all the jealous type, but I forbid my other half’s ex from our house soon after I moved in.  It wasn’t because of their continued friendship, but because she walked in one day while I still had boxes in the formal living room and started going through them asking if she could have the stuff.  He pointed her to the Goodwill box and told her to go for it.  I was fuming.  Even though I was ultimately giving the stuff away to charity, the fact that she felt it was remotely appropriate to walk into what is now my shared house, go through my things, and ask him if she can them – no, there are no polite words for what I think describes that kind of attitude.

The point was that I drew a line because of a behavior, too.  Fault fell with both of them, but I pointed out that if this is the type of pushover he turned into with her around, I didn’t want her in my home where it would have a direct impact on my life.  If they want to see each other, he would have to go out.  Fortunately, she decided that once he was no longer useful for getting free stuff, she didn’t ever ask to see him again.

Asking him to agree to a line in the sand for their relationship isn’t a default negative thing.  I would say the biggest reasons you guys should look at talking to a neutral third party is to get help on your communication.  It seems clear by the fact that he still wants her to come up to your wedding that he doesn’t really understand how much this hurts you.  Maybe there’s a way that you could better communicate that to him in a way he’ll really understand.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

sounds like there is 3 people in this relationship and im with you, i would feel pissed (uncomfortable is the pc word im sure) about this

even if he has a gf, nothing would change between them.

im calling this as bullshit.  when people fall in love and develop relationships everything changes because priorities change.

do you think he likes the attention he gets from her?

Post # 6
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I dont think you are crazy at all and you went about it a lot better then what I would have!! I know how you feel. When me and my bf started to date he also had this girl that he could not get over. She left him because she changed religions and she wasn’t able to see him anymore. When I first would go over to his apartment he would show my pics of her and just always talk about her. This really bothered me and he would tell me all the things he would do for her and then I compared it to our relationship. It was a big mess and we would always get into fights about it. He did tell me I was the first girl to truely make him get over her. After a year of us being together he found out she got married and it bothered him. He didn’t know that I knew I found out from a mutual friend. Its been over 3 years and it still sometimes gets to me but I try my very best to just ignore and forget. I know you went through a lot more then I did and I couldn’t imagine what you went through or how you felt but I give you major props dear. 🙂 whenever you start to feel down just remember that your happy now and it’s in the past. As for her coming to the wedding I would not allow it either. Good luck to you!! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
9653 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

ban him from speaking to her, he seems to be still hung up on her, if he doesn’t agree, leave him

Post # 8
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@Missloveknot:  I agree. I dont think I would of or could of stayed with him.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@Jacqui90:  the problem with “banning” an adult from speaking to someone is… well they are adults and to be honest going by OPs description, can you trust him not to contact the ex behind OPs back? 

the Fiance needs to understand why its hurtful and possibly damaging to their relationship and so far he seems to be more upset about not having contact with is EX than the fact the contacts upset OP/the woman he is going to marry.  you dont put your EX before your person you say you love

Post # 10
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Many years ago a counselor told my boyfriend and I that it’s his job to make sure he is not doing things to cause me to feel insecure about our relationship.  He maintained an inappropriate relationship with his ex and refused to stop communicating with her in a secretive manner. 

Looking back at the relationship, it’s night and day compared to how my husband treats me and his exes. 

I don’t think your insecure feelings are crazy and she should absolutely not be welcome at your wedding.  I wonder if her husband is aware of this ongoing relationship??

Post # 11
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

This makes me feel so bad for you! No woman should have to feel like she’s second to someone else!

You are not being crazy for wanting him to stop all communication. He’s the one who’s crazy for still allowing this person in his life when it obviously affects you! Someone who’s completely “in it” would have cut that tie a long time ago. 

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So you’re wondering if you’re wrong to be upset that he wants to invite her to the wedding? That’s the question here? Because I think the question should be whether or not you should marry someone who has made it so crystal clear that he has no plans to stop acting so innappropriately with his ex. PLEASE get premarital counseling before your wedding. If her marriage and your engagement wasn’t enough to get them to stop having lovey dovey chats and phone calls and picture sending, what makes you think your wedding will be? I think it is appalling that he thinks this woman should be at your wedding when he has made it so obvious that he still has feelings for her.

Post # 14
Member
9653 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@eloping:  exactly why i think OP should leave the guy, but give him a chance first to show that he is over the ex and doesn’t want her in their lives

Post # 15
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Missloveknot:  <—-I agree with her 100%. THis is completely unacceptable behavior. I am really sorry that he is making you feel this way. its awful 🙁 I am sorry but it sounds like he still wants to be wiith her…

Post # 16
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

i agree with you i wouldnt want my bf ex at my wedding, he wouldnt like it if you maintained a relationship with your ex 

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