(Closed) His friends who he calls “family”

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m in the reverse situation.  I have a very close male friend who has really been there for me and he calls me his little sister and he really is like family.  My Fiance hates it but I don’t understand why.

Post # 4
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know how old you are, but in my experience, people tend to grow out of those friendships. 

I’ve always gotten along better with guys, but as Fiance and I get closer, I feel the need for male friendship less and less.  Sounds cheesy, but he’s all the man I need, lol.

 

Seriously though, I’m not a big supporter of opposite sex close friendships when you’re getting married. I’d be a bit peeved too, unless these girls were genuinely making an effort to be friends with me.  They need to find their own guys.  If he’s talking to them about things that he is uncomfortable talking to you about, that’s a problem.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do without looking like the jealous Fiance, aside from communicating with him often and making sure he’s getting what he needs from you.

Post # 5
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Alright personally my SO is not the same.. however I have several friends who are in the same situation, have a close knit group of friends of both boys and girls they’ve known since grade school and view as family.  When I see the way they act, there’s no trace of flirting or sexual tension or anythign.. they genuinely treat each other like brother and sister.  Maybe it will help you to think of it that way?  You have grown up with your brother or sister and known them so well, but there is no way there could be a sexual relationship there (i mean, hypothetically if you have siblings).

Post # 6
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Do you genuinely not trust your FI? Or are you just uncomfortable on principle?

I’ve always been more comfortable with men then women, in general. I’m an engineer with a lot of “guy” geek interests. The close friends I have who are women are really special, but pretty rare in my life. 

Fiance is the opposite, he tends to click more with women than with men, but he maintains fewer friendships overall. 

Between the two of us, I know that it is possible to maintain opposite sex realtionship that are completely platonic. Totally doable. I would never do anything to hurt my Fiance and I trust him to do the same. 

If you trust your Fiance, you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t trust him, then his friends are not the problem.

Post # 7
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@TheLadyK:  If you trust your Fiance, you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t trust him, then his friends are not the problem.

I think that was really well-said.  I may not be much help since I’m not in this situation (FI does not have any very close girl friends), so I can’t relate.  I don’t think I would have a problem with it, though.  I think the fact that he talks to you about them is a good thing.  If he were being top secret about a friendship, then you might have more reason to feel jealous.

No one can tell you your feelings aren’t valid, because they are your feelings.  Have you ever thought about mentioning your discomfort to him?  It might be better to just trust that they’re just friends and let it go. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I completely believe that men and women can be just friends. I have mostly guy friends who are like brothers to me and they always say I am like a sister. I love them to death but just as friends who are like family.

In the main group of friends we have had since high school there is one other girl and my SO hung out with her all the time in college because they went to the same one and I was at a different one. I never once cared, she is like a sister to him and they were friends before we started dating.

My point is, from my experience it is very easy for men and women to be just friends and I have no problem with my SO’s female friends.

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Ugh – the female friend harem.  I cannot stand them myself and in my experience (thought not 100% of the time but about 75% of the time) it was a majorly, future-prooved-to-show, red flag

I would start to have a problem if anything like this came up (and it has in my past):

  • We live together and they call him at all odd hours of the night (unacceptable IMO)

 

  • He does stuff with them and does not tell me or only includes me with the group less than half of the time

 

  • I notice any kind of flirting on either end.

I know it sounds horrible, conceited and the rantings of a jealous woman but I have found that when I’ve dated a guy who has casual female friends, girls that friend-zoned his ass years ago but now they see him with a girl they suddenly perk up and start to think they’re missing something.  I’m not saying this is what is happening to you but…I don’t really know your situation.

It goes back to that argument: Can a guy and girl just be friends?  In some cases YES! of course…in many cases, no.

I know it’s such an outdated way to think, I consider myself a rational, mature, forward-thinking woman but I’ve seen a lot and from what I’ve seen…..guy/girl friendships, mostly, don’t work as smoothly as everyone likes to think.

 

Post # 10
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I used to be very uncomfortable witht  he close female friends that my SO had. Im naturally a jealous person by nature. I do well keeping it in check but those feelings really are strong in me lol. I think for me there were multiple reasons why it bothered me so much. first, I dont trust many women in general, its very hard for me to anyway, and I was always paranoid that they had feelings for him other than just as a friend and even though I trusted him very much I just didnt like the idea of these girls having any kind of intimate conversations or anything with him. I felt those should be reserved for me. Assuming its going to be a female he talks to about something I would want it to be me and only me first. I also did not like the idea of him talking about our relationship or anything to do with me to his girlfriends. The biggest reason I was so bothered and had these feelings like they were after more from him is that they didnt really try and get to know me. I think I only met each of them like once or twice. Now this was a problem before though in general. not just with his female friends. His activities with his friends and things with me were two separate things. On occasion I would tag along but I just never meshed well with his crowd of people and they made it obvious that I didnt quite fit in. it caused lots of problems and was one of many reasons we broke up.

With alllll that said, since we have gotten back together after a two year break, I made it clear from day one I would not tolerate that whole double life thing with his friends ever again. This time I really have gotten to know them all, guys and girls alike. Now that the mysterious veil has been lifted off of all of them I feel ten times better about those friendships. They all are genuinely nice girls and have guys of their own and really seem to just be truly good friends to my SO. They are trying to put in the effort to form a friendship with me as well now, completely separate from my SO which really has helped.

Each scenario like this is different but I would talk to your FI about this and just let him in on how you are feeling. Getting it out there is the first step to maybe figuring out where these feelings come from. I know that being honest about how I felt about things is what changed things and helped us to get on the same page and find a way to keep us both happy in regards to his female friends. its such a hard thing to navigate thoughb ecause there is almost no way to not come off as an insecure or jealous beast. 🙁

Post # 11
Member
23 posts
Newbee

@stardustintheeyes:  “its such a hard thing to navigate though because there is almost no way to not come off as an insecure or jealous beast. :(“

YES.  I can’t stand that aspect either. 

Post # 12
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It is totally possible to have opposite gender firends and not have any romantic feelings for them and vice versa. Since they have been around for SOOOOO long, it’s not really right or fair of you to go ( in an extreme situtation) I don’t want you to see  or talk to them anymore.

while we all get jelouse pangs here and there, what it comes down to is WHY do these girls being in his life bother you?  Is it because they have a bond with him? is it because you suspect something? Or do you just not like other females around your man?

Post # 13
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I’m the one with opposite gender friends in our relationship. The friends that I do still keep in touch with and hang out with are 90% male, and I have known each of them for a significant amount of time (I’m 24, most of these friends I’ve known since ages 2-5). It really is like a family. However, I understand the trickiness of the situation, as the female reaching out to males to hang out (though almost always in a group setting, trying to get everyone together), if I’m close enough with their girlfriends, I’ll call the girlfriend instead of my friend, just so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to go behind their backs. I also don’t think my boyfriend really cares, he’s met all of them, and he works nights and weekends so he understands that I have free nights and don’t want to spend them at home by myself.

Post # 14
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Fiance has both male and female friends. If they go on holiday together, or spend a lot of time together, it doesn’t bother me. I’m not naive when I say that he wouldn’t cheat… I know plenty of people who would, but not him. He just wouldn’t want to deal with the emotional strain of it all…. the mess and the fuss. He likes life to be uncomplicated. So I know that he would leave me before starting someting new. I feel the same.

The question for you is this: is your Fiance like that? Do you think that he would say no if he was offered it on a platter? I’m no saying you should demonise people, or put them on a pedestal, but plenty of people have reasons that are logical and sometimes even selfish why they would never be unfaithful. If you think he’s one of them… you must realilse that your fears are illogical. That doesn’t mean that they are necessarily invalid, but…

Then there’s the reverse. What if he’s not one of them? Plenty of people would rob banks if they thought they could get away with it 100%. In that case, what’s stopping him is his fear of getting caught, and his love for you. You’re getting married. You shouldn’t doubt that love… if you do, then maybe you need to reassess a few things.

Or… @TheLadyK:  If you trust your Fiance, you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t trust him, then his friends are not the problem.

That sums it up in fewer words, I think!

Post # 15
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can understand the situation you’re in, however I’m speaking from the other side of it. In highschool, I hung out with a very close group…which was myself and about 5 other guys- other girls would come and go, but the main group was really just me and the boys. And yes, we referred to ourselves as ‘the family.’ However, I understood how it could be difficult for girlfriends to deal with me…so I truly made an effort to be friends with the girls- nto just when they were hanging out around us with their significant others, but outside of that.

now- most of them are married, and I’m very close to many of their wives.

As for how my Fiance feels about it, he is pretty indifferent. He knows that I have known most of these guys for 10+ years. He is always invited when I spend time with them- he just doesn’t have much in common with them. And honestly- we don’t all hang out that much any more due to distance, and families.

Post # 16
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

As a girl with close, platonic male friends, I knew it was hypocritical of me to get even slightly jealous/insecure about my FI’s female friends, but that didn’t always stop me from feeling insecure. What really worked for me was getting to know his girl friends – once I knew them and saw them together, I was fine with it.  Maybe your Fiance can make an effort for all of you to hang out more often, you will feel better about it?  You might also be more interested in their lives then, which would make the conversations easier.

 

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